ivedecided.[new year's resolutions done a different way.]

that i don't care anymore.
your mood swings are something that i choose not to deal with.
a bitch one minute, a saint the next. - you are.
&oh yes, boys can be bitches too.

to focus on what makes jada happy.
and that's him. and sometimes them.
you're no longer a worry of mine if you're just gonna bring me up and down.

to see what you see in me.
sure, it will be hard. but i'm gonna try like there's no tomorrow. because like you said,
i'm missing out.

to not be afraid.
MJP, we WILL be within five feet of each other as soon as 2010 rolls around.

to better myself.
i'm gonna do it. i will try. i make no promises.

to have a great year !
this year i'll turn sixteen, get my permit, and all of that crazy stuff.
can't wait. (:

lovelost.

WHY

are we saying goodbye before we say hi
dying without trying
falling without reason

i'm stalling.
but that's only because this fear in my heart
is too strong to let me move on
to that next step.

and i'm scared.
that we are crashing and burning
and i'm slowly learning
that nothing is ever easy in
love.

i'm nervous.
to find what's behind
the you that i have always known.

the you that i love.
that i've always put above . . .

until now.

i blame this on myself
and nobody else
will ever replace you.

but i should have been thinking when i was wishfully making
that decision.
i should have been trying before we started dying,
but i wasn't.

and it hurts me to say
that the day that we may
end is approaching . . .

or maybe not the end
but just the "begin"
of a very sad process.

and i don't know what to do.
i love you . .
i love you . .
i do.

and it hurts.

not even the tears . . .
not even the people around me . . .
not even myself . . .
understands any of this.

and i hate to say
that i'm slowly starting to
accept this.

but i can't.
and i won't.
because you're my hope,
my joy,
my love.

and i can't lose you.

thewayYOUmakemefeel*special.

the style of your hair,
shape of your eyes and your nose.
the way you stare-
as if you see right through to my soul.
it's your left hand
and the way . . that it's not quite as big as your right.
the way you stand -
in the mirror -
before we go out at night.

our quiet time,

your beautiful mind . . .

everybody's telling me to wait for you to call back.
but i don't ever want another girl to come and get that.
my train of thought is gone and now you're running on the same track.
and now you're leaving me to have to find out where you've been at.

can you tell me where did he go ? . . .

they're all part of the list
of things that i miss,
things like your funny little laugh
or the way you smile -
or the way we kiss.
what i notice is this:
i come up with
something new every single time
that i sit and reminisce.

i'm a mess right now:
out of order,
i'm torn up,
i'm going down.
won't you hold me together:
i'm pouring out.
i need you,

that's . . .

how i feel.



the way your sweet smell
lingers when you leave the room.
stories you tell -
as we lay -
in bed all afternoon.
i dreamed you now,
every night,
and my mind is where we meet.
and when i'm awake
staring at pictures of you asleep.

touching your face

invading your space . . .

i refuse to believe you do
not think of me like i do you.
if i'm right then show me, come through;

cause i've been needing you lately.

people always asking why it's got me wearing all black.
stress done got the best of me - i really need to fall back.
wish i never said that you and me could never go back.
but i just wasn't thinking - can't you see i didn't mean that ?

can you tell where did he go ?

and you live in my memories
forever more,

i swear.

*partofthelist;ne-yo and *wheredidhego;kerihilson.

thepointofitall. - - thewayYOUmakemefeel.

DAMN.

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong . . .

i miss you.

like hell. and i don't see the fault, the loophole, the crack . . in the foundation that made us. I just don't get it. And it pains me so much because even though you're still there, you're not here: and that's where i need you the most: here.

I can think back to those years ago when it was just me and you, chillin in our little on virtual world. ha. those were the days . . . i miss them. when it wasn't confusing or complicated because it was not even in our restricted vocabulary to express the feelings that you claim to have always had and the feelings that i soon came to develop.

And that day . . . i remember it. when you told me about your problem. never will it leave my memory . . . i've been there by your side ever since, and never will i leave. i promise you that.

I Love You. yes, yes; i know my actions may not support that statement, but i promise you that i will never hurt you like that again. i want to say that i regret it, but i don't. it was a struggle that i went through to learn and a choice that i made because i wanted to. i just regret and hate that you got hurt as a result of it.

you are AMAZING. please don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. because, even if only to me, you are amazing. and i love you. i can't say that enough. you make me smile without even knowing you do. i don't even know where to begin, because there is no beginning or ending to what you mean to me. you're just everything . . . and you probably don't even know i feel this way. but you are my bestfriend. the one that i can talk to about anything and everything, that makes me smile in the saddest of times . . . but lately, i feel like that's been slipping. and i want it back so badly . . . but i dont know if it's just me, going through this depressed "fuck the world" stage, or if this is truly us . . . dying.

i can't stay away from you too long.

even if i do, i'll always call.

checking on you, make sure you're okay,

be the one to brighten up your day.

and the point of it all . . .

is i love you.

i admit:
sometimes this song makes me cry.
and it always makes me think of you.
i love you;
always&forever . . .

fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.

mymaleexcellence.

He is everything. He is courage where there is fear and smiles where there are frowns. His wisdom outweighs the oldest of the old, and his knowledge is equally the same. He is it, that, and everything for me . . . he is. Understanding comes easily to him and he's never too busy to listen. A friend he was at the start, but with effort that became more. Always on call when I need him: my superman. He's my sun through the storm and joy through the pain. To say that I love him would be an understatement. He is . . . my soultwin. The differences between us are plentiful, but the male version of me . . . he is. He gives . . . me reason to smile. Each day, each hour, each minute, every second. I love him . . . and everything that makes him what he is. The good, the bad, even the ugly: I appreciate it all. He tells me his dreams and the inspiration he gives me to pursue my own is amazing. He is . . a lover, but he will fight for what's his until his territory is won. Brilliant, dedicated, committed, in love . . he is.

He is perfection.

He . . . does not exist.

change.

" . . . But i kinda feel as though you have changed-

for the worst. The person i met in *month of *year is not the person i currently see . . . and the person i really miss is the old one. It's weird that i compare you to yourself . . . but when i look at you i see two people - and as crazy as that sounds, it's the truth.

i miss you.

and i want the person that . . . was always there and almost still is . . . back.

but i'm afraid that's damn near impossible."

randomthoughts.

1. "and the award for the best lie goes to you . . for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. let's hear your speech."

2. do i have to spell it out to you ? i'm saying GOODBYE.

3. i WANT you. but wanting you and needing you are two different things. i NEED you. but needing you is a feeling a can't seem to feel the fullness of right now.

4. i don't want you to leave like the others. please don't.

5. i miss you . . so much. so much has changed. i miss the old you.

6. i need a manicure.

7. "he's still. still the man of my dreams. he's still. still the man for me. and i'm still in love with him deep, deeply." he . . is.

8. IBcuhleave. so can homework and freaking projects.

9. yeahhhhbuddie. i can't wait (: till that moment . . when we'll get to do all the things that we promised we would.

10. love has become so common in my brain.

11. the best way to be beautiful is to be beautiful and unaware.

12. i am convinced that you are a joke and i'm just now taking the time to really laugh.

13. missing you is an everyday thing.

14. "such a mystery, when he's here with me . . it's hard to believe i'm still lonely."

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart8.

YOU
are the fucking best ! Seriously, we have gotten SOOOO much closer from last year to this year - more specifically sine the 1st two weeks of school. I LOVE YOU. You have been SOOOO MUCHHH help lately . . . you are always there when I need you and I thank you so much for that. i love you. (:

YOU
have been great to me as well. I thank you for being there when I needed you to talk to, vent, listen, whatever ! You're always there and I know that I can count on you.

YOU
are just . . . amazing. I can honestly say that talking to you is like the best part of my day. I LOVE YOU. Don't you ever think that i don't. Sometimes I wish you weren't so down all the time, but i understand that you honestly cannot help it. The fact that you have been through so much and still endure certain things bothers and saddens me. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I really wish that you could be here so that I could give you everything that nobody ever has. I grow sadder and sadder with everyday that I can't be next to you. I long for the day when you are ready to be by my side in heartbeat . . . I can't wait . . . but i must admit that I am very nervous. We will see how it all plays out when that time comes. I hope it's great . . (:

YOU
make me smile. It seems that we are growing to trust each other more than we ever have. If ever you need a friend, i'm here. Don't hesitate to come to me, because I care. I really do. You have changed so much since I first met you, but at heart, I know you are the same ol' person. (: ily.

YOU
annoy me. Well really, people in general annoy me . . . . but you especially. Your attitude is disgusting and quite frankly, i'm sick of it. I'm just about done.

YOU
have changed me. I can't say that I hate you; it's really hard to explain. I want so badly to be your friend, but it's so hard. I still don't understand a lot of things about us; like why certain things happened, and why others are the way they are now and i will admit that i'm not over it, but i don't think that i will ever be or that i will ever understand. Sometimes I look at you and see something that I've never seen in anybody else. And others I just wish to not look at you. Complicated and confusing, i know. Congratulations, you are the first person to make me feel like i'm not good enough . . I feel like the friendship that we once had is gone . . ruined, to never come back again. I want it to be there . . but i don't think that I can force it. The old days are the ones I miss the most, honestly. I just want the old you back, the old us back. But all I can say is that I hate that I love you. And I will try my best to leave that at that. But I don't think I can.

YOU
are a hoish type of person. You should learn what's yours and stick to it. I don't want what's your's, so i'd appreciate it if you'd stop referring to us as "one." I warned you about certain things, yet you chose not to listen to me. UCUHLEAVE for the moment. Plain and simple.

cry.

dear -,
today, i cried.
as soon as my bag dropped from my shoulder and hit the floor, the door creaked shut, and the shoes came off, the first tear left my face.

it wasn't because of school, or even the stress from practice . .

today, i listened to the full song for the first time in a long time.

it was not easy . . the words, as always made so much sense to me; the situation is the same, never changed: how can one song tell the story of many chapters in a more than eventful book ?

i haven't figured out the answer to that question. it will always be a mystery, but i'm glad that somebody, even if it's just the writer of that particular song, knows how i feel.

i wish you cared.

i wish so badly that it mattered to you enough that you would actually say, "hey, i was wrong. i'm a jerk. i feel like shit." i know it sounds stupid, but i want you to feel the same way i feel.

so i was crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and bitching, and talking to friends, and crying.

but then a girl said: we will get through this together.

and i believe her.

itsbeenaminute.

since i've really blogged.
i have more stuff coming.
promise.
lot's of drafts typed up that i never felt like i needed to share with the world.
and more in the process.

shit's changing lately . . trust and believe you all will be hearing about that.
but ta ta for now . .

sorry.

FOR ANYONE

who has been put into compromising positions in either friendships, relationships, and any other personal problems. but most of all, for MYSELF.

i'm sorry that i can't be you picture perfect girl; i am not the epitome of perfection, nor will i ever be. i'm sorry that i can't be happy when you want me to be; as much as i try, my smiles will never be big enough to cover what's lying inside. im sorry that it's always my fault; try as i might, my best will never be good enough for you. i'm sorry that i'm a total bitch; my mood swings may come out of the blue, but sometimes they are necessary. i'm sorry for all of the times i seem "needy"; sometimes all i need is someone to listen to me. i'm sorry that i was never good enough; i strive to see why i can't be your everything, but i have not yet come to a conclusion. i'm sorry that i'm not like her; in my mind i will always be, but to you i NEVER WAS. i'm sorry that i can't get through to you; i really want you to see what i do, but i'm afraid it's too late.
i'm sorry for the times that i become "annoying"; i only want you to want me as much as i need you. i'm sorry for all of the things that i could never be to you; but the thing i'm sorry the most for is being sorry at all.

doingtoomuch.

haven't blogged in a minute.

the last blog i made didn't go through well from my phone, so i'll summarize that.



pretty much, i went to the America's Most Wanted Tour.
it was hype, no thanks to young jeezy *no disrespect, but i just don't bang with his music on the regular.
and uhhh, the PERSON I PAID SIXTY DOLLARS TO SEE failed to enter the building due to a torn ACl. yes, i am talking about Drake. boo hoo, i'll catch him next time i guess.


so i have come to the sad conclusion that i think way too much. i mean, thinking is good. but at times, like now, i overanalyze things . .

i came across this quote today on my friend Jessie's myspace:

Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

so i'm sitting here like . . DAMN. that's so true and applies to me right now . .

*NOTE;this applies to more than it seems.
so i've decided that all of you worthless priorities will soon become options because i realize now that that's all i am and will ever be to you.
i hate getting my hopes up, saying to myself this is the day, when really it's just like every other pointless day i spend waiting on you.
i kept my hopes up telling myself that it WOULD be sooner than later and that i didn't need no one else, but it's obvious that i was on some other shit when i said that.
don't get me wrong, i'm not saying goodbye, you are the weakest link . .
but i AM saying that i aint a doll and this aint a dollhouse. i won't ALWAYS be here like a barbie when you actually WANT to play.



so i will leave you with this. [fast forward to 1:00]

"i aint a doll; i'll never be made of plastic. so glad that my heart's elastic . . "

twitter.

soooo.
i have been using twitter more often.
i made an account a while back, but i haven't been very active.
i will try to get into it . . i have made progress and i know how to work it a little better now. lol.

so follow me if you dare;

http://twitter.com/thisbejadamayne

icantwaittohateyou.

"i'm gonna cut your dick off and send it to her in the mail."

funniest thing i've said today - no lie. lol and i was serious too.

well, i haven't blogged in a minute but i have a lot on my mind now so . .

i just don't care anymore. and i am so serious when i say that.
i don't know if this is the right thing to do, but i'm done. i have never in life let myself be so vulnerable . . never. and the people that know me the best know that i HATE being vulnerable . . so i never put myself into vulnerable situations. but this time . . it was different.

or so i thought.

eh, it's whatever. as Kelly would say, "i refuse to be concerned." but the fact of the matter is that i am concerned, and as much as you guys tell me not to be . . i just am.
*speaking of you guys, i need to thank you. like seriously.

• torrie, firstly and foremost; you were there when i needed you . . the first one i turned to. i love you.
• hollie; wowww, i've never talked to you so deeply about anything. i realize now that you are a good friend. always there when needed (:
• shamia; you are kinda triff lol . . but still. thank you.
• alexis; omgggg. chick, you are one of the best friends i could ask for. you have helped me through a lot recently. i love you.
• jae; ahahahaha, you are too funny. but i think you were right . . about what you said today. thank you.
• jessie; you're never too far away to hear me out. i love you. (:

i have more to say, but i refuse to say it to everyone on blogger. this shit is ridiculous. i will NEVER let myself feel this again. even if that means shutting down anyone who threatens to take my heart . . i'm not the mushy lovey dovey type . . but that's some real ish from the heart.

iloveyou.

well, for the person who is constantly asking me which of the YOUs of my thewayyoumakemefeel's is them . . this is for YOU, if you ever should read it. there should be no doubt in your mind now. at all.


I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop it from hurting any less
when you break my heart into a mess,
as i watch it shatter into a million pieces ?

I LOVE YOU.
but will that make you stop the tease,
if only to please
just me ?

I LOVE YOU.
even when you neglect me,
fail to respect me,
just out of spite.

I LOVE YOU.
but will you take the time to read between
everything i mean
in what i say ?

I LOVE YOU.
still when you become obsessed
with things that should matter less
between us.

I LOVE YOU.
and your silly antics,
because i find them romantic;
they never get old.

I LOVE YOU.
because you're my best friend,
and even managed to win
the key to my heart.

I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop the pain from growing,
my feelings from showing,
what's really on my mind ?

I LOVE YOU.
more and more as the days go by,
and still you wonder why
i love you.

I LOVE YOU.
for reasons that cannot be explained
even when i strain
to decode them.

I LOVE YOU.
even when you don't see
how much you mean to me
and that this is real.

I LOVE YOU.
for who you are.
we've come this far;
there's no turning back.

if anything i want you to promise me,
that even when we disagree,
our relationship falls from the highest of trees,
and lands to our knees
that you will always believe that

I LOVE YOU.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

thoughts ?
PS; don't jock my shit. if you wanna use sumthin, please ask first. thank you.

haveyouever.

felt the need to just write but you don't know what to write ?
well, that's how i'm feeling.
right now i feel kinda crappy . . ehh. my head hurts && i can't get this damn song outta my head, although i wish so badly that i could.

if i keep myself occupied, then i won't think about it.

like hell if that will work.
whatever.

i'm about to head out to practice in a bit. the only thing to be happy about with that is that i get to see the ppl who will make me laugh no matter what . . lol, mikko. they're always sayin sumthin stupid or the other that will put a smile on my face. ooo, && the football players. most likely they will be out there . . meaning i'll see sunshine. ahaha, that reminds me . . i need to slap him when i see him. ehh, random.

dunno about after practice is over. i'll prob just sit around && write or something. maybe talk to alex if she's available, see what's up with her.

*shoutout to alex. she's been a great help to me lately. (: she's like my twin . . only a year older && she lives a few states away from me. lmfao. ahaha, ily chica.

tomorrow . . ? idk. hopefully i'll make some plans cuz i don't wanna sit in the house.

i'm happy that kelly, jessie, and torrie are coming back. right now i need someone to talk to && either of those three would do it. listen to me, i mean.

they really do seem to understand. but as of now, i'll resort to pen && paper because nobody else seems to be around.

the"L"word.

there's a HUGE difference.

between "i luv you" && "i love you."

i realize that now more than ever.

LUV is more when you see that person as your cute, boyfriend/girlfriend. the feelings are strong, but more of in a lusty way. you don't really have that deep of an emotional bond and attatchment to them . . you're in it more for the ride than anything.

LOVE is when you can't go a day without knowing what that person is doing. it's where they can hurt you so badly, but still you end up wishing they were still there && wanting them back. love is when you can tell someone everything and trust them with all of your heart. when you're in love you have the biggest emotional attatchment that you'll probably ever have with anybody. love makes you feel things that you've never felt before. love is the realest of the all of the emotions you can feel for somebody . . && it usually lasts a lifetime.


there's also a difference between loving somebody and actually being in love with somebody.
i struggle to define the two, although i know that there is indeed a difference.

i think that being in love is more emotional than just loving somebody. because when you're in love . . idk, it's just different. it really is . . i wish i knew how to put that into words.


do you guys agree that there's a huge difference between the two ?
maybe my definitions of the two words don't fit yours, so feel free to leave your own thoughts on that.

nickiminajimpression.

this girl is like . . dead on.
nicki does sound like this, acts like this [gum chewing . . arrogance, && all].
lololol. i wonder if she's seen it ? ahaha, anyway just watch it.
if you know anything about nicki minaj you will understand.

tacobell.

is the shittt.
so are these fruitista freezes or whateverr.

ummm, lmfao i look orange . . && i was bored && wanted to show you guys my love for taco bell. smh at the chris brown poster in the background. i really need to redecorate . .

i just got home.
today wasn't the day that i thought it would be, but it turned out alright nonetheless.
was supposed to go to the mall . . but ppl bailed. i hate it when ppl do dumb shit like that. but whatever. another friend asked me to go sumwhere, but by that time, i was already out with my mom, trying to get some books for my summer reading lists.
soo, we went to walmart . . no luck there.

*;speaking of walmart, do you have a walmart in your area that is just TRULY ghetto ? i do. when you walk in there it's just like . . a WHOLE different atmosphere. i hate it.

so then we tried books a million. they had all of the books i needed, however, i only got one: Catcher In The Rye. i was pissed bc the book didn't even have an overview . . so it'd better be entertaining. i saw this other book, Push, which is also a new movie called Precious that's coming out soon. i've been meaning to get that, but my mother was being cheap && wouldn't buy it, which reminds me:

I NEED A JOB.

anywhoo, so then we went to tacobell && now i'm home.

that was an overview of my day. how was yours ?

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart7.

YOU
have been a longtime friend. i've realized that it sometimes takes horrible things to make people realize who is really there for them && you have been there for me in whatever it is i need lately. our trust has spread beyond my problems to yours && i'm happy to say that i can trust you, like i never have before. for being a great friend, i love you. (:

YOU, YOU, && YOU
i miss you guys so much. people may think that i bitch a lot about not having you guys around, but they don't know that half of the shit we have been through. i miss having those three best friends that i could go to no matter what . . even when we would fight [ahaha, third grade drama], i miss that too. because that is what made us the strong friends that we once were . . . && i miss that . . i really do. with all of the uncertainty && trustless relationships i surround myself with, i need you guys back badly.

YOU
have helped me out recently. our relationship has been broken && mended, but regardless of all of that i just want to thank you. even if only for that one time, thank you. because you truly did help me. i can actually say i felt close to you again, even if only for a moment.

YOU
have become so . . fake. it's like you talk badly about somebody one second and the next you're being all buddy buddy with them . . i've been paying close attention to what people tell me && that, plus your daily dose of gossip only leads me to the conclusion that you are . . fake. i wonder how much of a "good friend" you have been to me.

YOU
are just . . UGH to me. i'm sitting here wondering why i ever liked you in the first place but the answer is unclear. you always seem to find the need to be EXTRA, putting your business out then getting mad when people are in it, && dumb shit like that. quite frankly, you're starting to piss me the fck off.

YOU
put me at a loss for words. i don't know where we're at or where we're going, but i hope that we are getting somewhere.

YOU
seem to always give me a hard time. i try, i really do . . i just hope all of the bad memories can be put aside because feeling the way i do towards you is not going to get me through life. i miss the old you. PS; typing those few sentences actually made me cry.

wordscantdescribe.

IRRELEVANCE.
when something isn't needed, it is deemed irrelevant.
i find that a lot of things around me are irrelevant now.
not needed, unnecessary, simply useless.

STRUGGLE.
when a situation is hard, it is called a struggle and those who are experiencing it struggle through it.
i struggle to see why i am still friends with some of the people i am friends with, even longtime.
hardship, battle, conflict.

ANXIETY.
when a person worries, they become anxious.
i am anxious to know why it happened like this, what's in store for the future, and what's really on your mind.
restless, desirous, troubled.

YEARN.

when one feels like they need something; a want that is too strong for one's own mind.
i yearn for that sense of security; that one simple question would mean everything to me at this point.
thirst, long, crave.

i STRUGGLE everyday, i YEARN for that one wish to come true, i am ANXIOUS for hidden reasons, but my need to make all of these problems IRRELEVANT is what holds me back.

&& just when you thought you had a support system, it shatters to a million pieces.

lessonslearned.

things i have learned as of lately.

1. don't stress what won't matter in the future because you just might miss out on something that could have been great.

- - - i've seen this happen once too many times this year . . to me && to other people. i hate that i worried so much about all of the small things because it really caused me to miss out on some things && people, && it would have been great to have had those experiences. i think that if i had just payed attention to what was happening then, things now would be much different . .

2. you have to learn to ACCEPT the flaws or just LET GO.

- - - you CANNOT change somebody, particularly somebody who does not want to be changed. it's just not gonna happen. there have been several instances where i have tried to accept people the way they were but they wouldn't accept me back. && that's when i decided, i just don't care.

3. relationships can be broken by the smallest things.

- - - this is so true. a few of my relationships this year that have been damaged are damaged, but for what reason ? it's like the smallest things build up . . && if you LET those things continue to build, they will become irreversible && you will be in a position that you never intended to be in.

4. you CANNOT help something or someone that/who does not want to be helped.

- - - this is pretty much the same as 'you cannot change something or somebody' . . you just can't. i don't wanna say that i've tried to change any of my friends this year . . but more of help them. if you're a position that i see is hurting you more than helping you, i'm gonna try to get you out of that position, but if you are reluctant to move with me, then i cannot help you. this one is hard to put into words, so i hope you all understood that.

5. you may be just plain jane in your own eyes, but i GUARANTEE you that there is somebody out there who thinks you're a pearl in a box of tainted jewlery.

- - - this one has been very true for me. it's hard for me to verbalize this . . really hard. but you know how something totally catches you offguard ? it's kinda like that . . . well, i never thought that i was like BAM! or stunning or anything like that y'kno ? but i realized that even though i don't, there is somebody out there who does . . && it's really nice to know that.

6. you can't please everybody.

- - - i'm not the type of person to go out of my way to be somebody's friend or make them happy. like, if we don't click then we just DON'T. this year i tried and tried to befriend somebody, but i realized that i just don't like this person like that. i emotionally CAN'T be friends with them because there is not a time when i am with them that this person does not get on my nerves ! . . . && don't get me wrong, i seriously TRIED . . all freakin school year, && failed each time. i still don't understand what's so great to love about this person . . && i probably never will. i mean, we can be acquaintances, but we have a long way until we are FRIENDS.

7. holding back is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make.

- - - you know why ? because when you hold back what you so desperately need to say or what you are truly feeling, you hinder what the future could possibly present you with. i've held back a lot in my recent past . . . in a certain situation, had i not held back, an event that forever ruined trust with my "best friend" could have been avoided . . had i not held back, me and you may be in a different place today . . but what's done is done. it's just another lesson learned: never hold back.

8. some people are put into your life to teach you a lesson . . && others are there to stay.

- - - kinda like in that one tyler perry play, where he compares people to trees. some people are leaves, who leave you in seasons. some people are the branches, who thin through time. && others are the stem that stick with you through everything. i think i have realized who my bark && stems are . . also, in the words of Kelly: there's a distinct line between bitches and friends.

i might add on to this later.
but right now, this is all that comes to mind.

iamdisappointed.

okay.
the other day, i saw some screenshots && an interview of Drake's new video Best I Ever Had.
he said he thought of doing something serious && romantic like, but threw that idea idea bc this song is too "fun" for that.
so i was thinking . . okayy, as long as it's still a good video.
then that mess gets released . . && im trying to like it . . but it makes absolutely no sense. i don't get it . . it's not interesting. just girls "stretching" && everything . .
it had some good points, but the majority of it was . . ehh.
i really wish he would have done something where it was him && his girl . . kinda like "Like You" by bow wow && ciara.
i dont blame it on drake . . it was kanye's idea.
that would have been hot . . but here's the vid.

Drake "Best I Ever Had" from kwest on Vimeo.

don'tyouhate.

people who only talk to you for one reason . . once they get their answer or whatever they leave like it's nothin.
or even those who talk you up just to find information . . they don't really care about you, they're doing it for their own selfish reasons.

dirtyasslookindudes that try to holla when they are NOWHERE NEAR your level.
they don't even have to be dirty . . just annoying as hell. if i said no once, i'll say no twice.

JOCKS ? i mean, DANG, can i get my personality back ?

i see a lot of people taking my YOU idea && other writing ideas i have . . ughh that really bothers me. i understand you like the idea, but really ? i just don't like being imitated in any form. writing is my only personal escape && when that's copied it just seriously bothers me. && then artist obsessions . . after one person goes crazy over an artist, usually undiscovered, i see other people adding shit to their myspaces like they've been fans for forever. seriously ? girl, BOO.

when you can't find a song on the internet or on limewire that you're DYING to add to your mp3 player ?

ughh. that's happening to me at this very moment.

when things aren't as simple as you wish they were OR when something you thought was simple turns into this big ball of confusion ?

just gotta accept the fact that life isn't like burger king; you can't ALWAYS have it how you want it, when you it, && just plain YOUR WAY.


that was my little iRant for the moment . . haven't really ranted in a while.

hewillbemissed.

he will be missed, no doubt about that.
on my short time of being on this earth, i've always known that there was an MJ.
but now that he's gone . . it's just like wow.
he was one of my favorite artists, no lie.
thriller has always been my favorite CD.
i could listen to that ALL DAY.

but what really bothers me is the ignorant people on myspace postin dumb shit like we can't mourn his death. i mean, no we don't personally know him, but really tho, it's a loss for the music industry.
that's just like saying we can't be sad that our best friend's uncle's cousin died, just because we didnt know them.
what kind of mess is that ?

all i know is that i am sad about this.

R.I.P. MICHAEL JACKSON
1958 - 2009

inherpurse.

this set is cool.
i wanna do one like this one day, even though i don't carry purses oftenn.

22 June 2009 by Andi Couture featuring JUICY COUTURE accessories

don'tyouhateitwhen

people reply with one word answers ?
like, where can a conversation get with that ?
-"my dog died today" "oh." -"and so i was like . . and she was like . . and we started laughing." "wow."

i dunno about you guys, but when somebody constantly does that, i get the feeling that they aren't interested && i just stop talking to them. i usually do the one word thing when i just don't care about what a person is saying. hmm . .

i had to get up early today *ughh* because maintenance had to be done in the apartmentt.
that's really not a good thing for me seeing that i was up until like three on the phone with deeedeee && dev dev && texting warwar till like threethirty or sumthin. ughh, i'm stupid for only getting like four or five hours of sleep. but im not sleepy anymoree.

i went to the boys && girls club a few days ago. i haven't been back there in YEARS, but it feels like i pretty much grew up there. seeing miss tee was the best. her and mr. mark && all of them remembered me *how could they forget !*. she told me to come back this summer to volunteer . . i asked if they were hiring, but they aren't ):. mann, i'm looking for a job too && how better to work than at a place where i KNOW i'll have fun && i know the employer ? ahah (: but i think i'll use volunteering there as a way to earn my CAS hours next summer for IB.

soo, last weekend i went to mik's house with shamia. we had too much funn. since none of us are legally whipping, we had to walk unless offerred a ride by her parents. but it was cool, cuz the mall was right across the street.
* somebody please tell me why older guys are always trying to hit on younger girls ?! . . okay i think we all know the answer to that . . but really tho, it's kinda sad if you're over your mid twenties tryin to get with a girl in highschool.
but we were getting looked up && down by all of em. can't say i didn't like the attention, but it was kinda annoying at the same time.

*random- mikko thinks i'm immature or childlike in a sense because i don't wanna give older guys the time of day. but i think she's a dumbass for talking to all of these creeps the way she does. i mean, if i met a cute, nice older guy who had a lot of sincerity, i might think differently, but i doubt i ever will talk to an older guy like that. that's just not me.

but here are a few pictures that i've taken recently . .

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart6.

YOU
seem to be the only one around to listen to me these days. thanks, once again.

YOU
are becoming lesser and lesser in my eyes as the days pass by. i no longer need you around me or consider you to be one of my closest friends. i'm not really concerned with this either. maybe it will get better, maybe it wont. the sad thing is, i don't really care.

YOU
made me think this:

i could fcking slap you right now. do you even know what it means to back
the hell off of somebody's potential ? no, you don't. but i bet you wouldn't
like it if i started to be all over - - - - - - -, now would you ? we'll see
about that.

you seem to only be about yourself. just because you're having a fucked up
time && seem to have trouble getting the attention that you want doesn't
mean you need to go for what I or anybody else wants. i'd advise you to keep you hands to yourself && find your own because messing with other peoples seconds is really not cool.

YOU

never cease to make me smile. i'm glad that we are talking again, because you are by far the best friend that i have made this year. even though we went through all of that mess nearing the end of the year, my feelings for you have not gone away; they have only gotten stronger. from the start, you were a great friend. i learned to trust you very early into the year && it wasn't long until i could say that you were the one i could turn to for anything, especially problems with my dad && such. losing you as a friend, or thinking that i had lost you as a friend, really bothered me. it may not have seemed like it, but it really did. i'm glad that you initiated us working things out because i really wanted to, i just didn't know how. i love that now there's no anonymity between us. everything is out there . . so i guess now, whatever happens happens. only the future can tell. P.S.; i am looking forward to this year (:

YOU
are a peice of work. words can't explain what i think of you now . . because i don't know what to think of you. he tells me to disregard all of that && they agree that it is so wrong, but i just don't know. it's like we were okay, then this hits me && i just . . DON'T KNOW. the friendship will stay in tact, but i definitely know now to never trust you.

shesamazing.

PRISCILLA RENEA IS SUCH AN AMAZING LYRICIST.

i mean, really.
i love all of her lyrics; they are so true.
but this song, i keep replaying it. it's her cover of best i ever had.
check it out.
*i'm trying to figure out how to get this on my pagee.

summersummersummertime(:

is not going to be as boring as i thought it would be !

gosh, i'm only a day into it && things are just . . great.

friend drama ?
i'm so over that. last year is last year && we can forget about everything because i'm not angry anymore, even though i kind of want to be, i'm not. there's no point, it's useless. mainly, that just taught me who i can depend on, who i can turn to, && who is really there for me. thank you to everybody who affected me - negatively or positively, because no matter how i was affected by you, at least i learned something in the process. on the other side of friend drama, i'm simply not concerned, or as kelly would say, "i refuse to be concerned." lmfao.
but, i'm gonna do a whole separate post on all of the things i've learned this year.

in other summer news . .
my bestest bestest friends are coming back to VA !
ooooohhh emmmmm geeee ! i'm excited.
alexis is only gonna be here for the summer, but i glad she's even gonna be here for that because i miss her.
taylor is moving back, which is BIGG NEWSS ! she moved away in the sixth grade && i haven't seen her in like . . four years. this is gonna be great. i miss that girl && i remember all of the fun times we had. time ot make some more memories ! (:
leah . . well it's undecided where she will be, but it'd be cool if she moved back to NN too, especially this summer.

the whole gang reunited . . . wouldn't that be a sight to see ? aha (:
i'm gladd, because i thought this summer was gonna be blahh. but this just brightened up my day.

i can't wait. (:

myspacetopeight.

so i was just on myspace, looking at stuff && i realized;

my top friends really misrepresents my relationships.
i really don't agree with it, at all. && no matter what order i put the people in, it doesn't seem to make sense.

i think myspace should change it && make it so that the people that you add to your top can be randomized.
this would prevent petty arguements over "your higher on my top than i am on yours" && ignantshit like that.
it would also take my confusion away, so i'd no longer be paranoid about my friendships.

another thing they could do is something like facebook has, where you can choose best friends or sumthin like that, then have the rest of the people on your top designated as just "top friends."
i can't explain that too much, but if you get it, then good.

but i really don't know.
maybe i'm just thinking too hard on it . . but it irks me how i can't find a good order.

maybe that's because friends shouldn't have an order.
or maybe it's because i'm not as close to a lot of the people on my top as i thought i was, but i'm too busy trying to BE close that i dont realize that . . ?

WTF.

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.

that just further proved my previous assumptions that i can no longer tell anyfuckingbody anything. going to people to just listen to my thoughts is no longer an option. your dumbass comment has just confirmed my thoughts: i can't tell anybody anything because they either;

1] only care about their own problems
2] tell me to build a fucking bridge && get over it - - - but everything is not that easy, trust me
3] are complete assholes && don't derserve to be trusted in the first place.

telling me to get over "it" is really not a good idea IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT !
like WTFFF ? did i ever tell you to fucking get over you problems when you were stuck on him && couldn't get over it ?
NO.
because i KNOW it's not that easy && even though hearing his name every other minute is quite annoying, i wouldn't say "let the past be the past && get over it" because i'm a good friend. && i'd be there for you through whatever you were going through, whether you just needed me to listen or whatever. sure, there's a certain point where you need to let go, but with you having NO knowledge of what it is that i am going through, i'd really like for you to go sit the fuck down. it'd be totally different if i had ever actually talked to you about it.

no, don't think i'm bitching, because i'm not. i'm just fed up with the ignorance that surrounds me. i was just starting to calm down about the things that are happening with && around me, but this just heated me up even more.
this summer will be very good for me for that EXACT reason.
i don't want to lose any of my friends . . && this is exactly what i was afraid of:

another ignorant comment . . another bitchy response . . another friend lost.

i knew the bomb would go off soon.
time to let the fire sizzle down.

iloveyouguys.

i just wanna say that i love my readers.

well, the ones who give me feedback, anyway.
no, i don't just mean my followers, but all of the people who have visited and frequent my blog for updates, the ones who actually give me feedback, && even the ones who don't give feedback but read and enjoy reading.


*sidenote;
one of my readers recently commented my blogs. her name is Miss Wilson. i wanna say thanx because your suggestion helped. i'm not significantly religious, but i do rely on God for some matters. && i am a frequent writer. you kinda helped me come up with this idea . .

- instead of writing publiclly for everything, i will turn to pen && paper [as you suggested]. i have a lot of things to say to a person [people], but i'd rather not share those feelings with the world. writing a letter to this person [people] will help me say the things that i could never say out loud.

Miss Wilson, thanx for pushing me towards that idea (:

P.S.;
i currently have Pleasure P's CD The Introduction To Marcus Cooper on repeat !
it's better than i thought it would be; i LOVE it !
go check it out if you haven't already (:

ijustneedtogetaway.

MY STOMACH HURTS AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS NEGATIVE THINGS.

i feel like there's a LOT of twofaced people around me;
- people who say things && stop talking about them when you come around
- just bitches who don't know a good friend from a bad one
- etc etc etc.

my back hurts, i'm aching, && my uterus is falling.
* yes, it's that time. && i'm feeling really shitty. hormones or not, nothing seems to be going right.
it feels like nothing anybody says is positive - i only look at the negative && take that to the heart.
nobody seems to care anymore, so i just won't tell them shit && let them wonder what is wrong with me. it's not like anybody notices anyway because they're too busy worrying about their damn selves.

i'm so happy the year is ending. i need a break from everything && everybody. i just need time to think.
because if i don't get myself straight, i'm gonna lose a lot of good friends. so i'll just get my mindset correct before i try to help anyone else out.

i'm in a situation.

why don't you just do it ?

because i'm not you;
i need to work at my own pace && speed, so stop fucking rushing me. obviously i can't go to anybody to talk. how come when i wanna talk about my problems it's not a big fucking deal ? that's exactly why i fucking hate people && i am going to go back to being an introvert again.
don't tell me to fucking suck it up. even though you don't say those exact things, that's what the message is.

you people [yes, i said you people] think everything is good && gravy, but you have no idea what goes on behind the scenes.
ooooo, if you knew . . if only you knew.
but you dont.
because, once again, i can't tell people shit because the whole human race is full of idiots who only seem to worry && care about themselves.

*word of advice; you should really think about the things you say before you say them.

- a lot of things people say lately bother me, but i don't say anything. we already have enough drama, so i figure, why start anymore. but i'm tired of letting the little things slide, because obviously it's built up into this huge ball && now i'm just pissed the hell off. about nothing at all.

well, it's actually something && everything, at that.

i've been trying for the longest time to shrug it off like it's nothing.
i say it doesn't bother me but it does.
i wish i didn't care but i do.
i hate that i care because it makes me feel like shit.
feeling like shit only makes things worse because i dont know what to do.
when i dont know what to do, i'd like to talk to somebody who does know what to do.
but i've lost even that option . .

so what do i turn to now ?

allofthethingsishouldhavesaidthisweek.

i saw this on some site.
thought i'd try it out; i just might end up posting one ever week or so.

*it's really hard to do this && not get it confused with my thewayYOUmakemefeel's because they are so much alike !

All Of The Things I Should Have Said This Week

1. i miss you.


2. hi, my name is jada . . but i'm pretty sure you already knew that. -smiles-


3. you are the biggest bitch i've ever met.


4. what the hell are you starin at ?


5. i really like it when you do that.


6. i really hate it when you do that.


7. you sound like a whore . . oh, and you look like one too.


8. seeing you with her disgusts me . . i think im gonna puke. excuse me for a sec.


9. are you doing this on purpose ?


10. so, umm. i heard you wanted to talk to me ?


11. you're so fake.


12. you call yourselves best friends ? ha, yeah. okay.


13. as much as you think you aren't a bad person, you really are.


14. is this really how you want things to be ?


15. so if i said [insert here], would that change things at all ?


16. even though we're kinda distant right now, i hope you have a great summer.


17. i could fcking slap you right now. do you even know what it means to back the hell off of somebody's potential ? no, you don't. but i bet you wouldn't like it if i started to be all over - - - - - - -, now would you ? we'll see about that.


18. don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe.


19. skinny bitches can't be trusted.


20. i try so hard to like you, and fail everytime.

&& there's more where that came from.

all of the things i should have said. [poem]

i wrote this poem a LONGG time ago, but it really explains how i'm feeling as of lately, ironicly.
it could use some work && editing, but it speaks my mind perfectly.

Hey, you.
I can't believe I'm really writing this right now.
I told myself you wouldn't care, but somehow
I just ended up sitting here. Only able to see your face.
And just in case you're still wondering, there's
Nobody in the world who could ever replace you.
But I doubt that you even care now.
I don't know why I care.
Because things were going great before she was there,
So is it her? Is she the reason for this all?
Is she the reason why lately you haven't returned my calls?

No? You say it's just me.
But I'm failing to see, exactly how that could be,
But it doesn't matter now.
I think now I'm wasting my time.
But just in case you're still reading, I'll just keep writing what's on my mind.

It's funny because when I think of you I'd
Rather remember how it use to be rather than how it is.
Things use to be so great.
I'm still trying to figure out what happened
To us.
To me and you.
To what we use to be
To what we could be, should be, and would be.
If only we'd done it.
Just come right out and said it.
But I guess it's too late now.
It seems like it's always too late.

You know, it's funny how all of this is just pouring out of me.
I've been holding it in for so long
So long that I could no longer go on,
Without you knowing.

Remember when I told you I hated you?
Well, I lied.
I was just mad that instead of me
You were standing by her side.
And that hurt.
It hurt like hell.
But I guess you couldn't tell
Because I tried not to show
How much I really cared.

And the thing that I've come
To realize is that
I never disliked all of those girls who were your friends.
It was always how close they seemed to you.
But in the end
It doesn't matter.

And you know all those other guys
You know, the ones you always hated?
Well I never put them before you.
You've always been number one.
But as time went on
I soon came to realize
How they affected you.
And even though I did nothing wrong
This apology is true;
I'm sorry.
For making you feel like you didn't measure up.
I'm sorry.
For making you think it was all your fault.
I'm sorry.
For all of these things and more.
But what's done is done
Though these things should have
Been said long ago.

Remember how I told you I didn't love you?
I lied
Remember when I told you I couldn't be with you?
He wasn't the reason why.
And sometimes I feel
Like we could've had something real
And when people come around
Thinking we're together
The hurt only grows.

But I guess, as I've said one too many times,
It doesn't matter anymore.
It seems that I've lost your heart for sure.
For good maybe.
I hope you know that this letter
Isn't anything to persuade you
Entertain you
Or to claim you
But just to inform you.
Because the fact still remains
That this thing has come to an end.
Wish we could start over
Go back to the beginning.
But we both know we can't
So this is my letter
To you
Of all of the things I should have said.

iminlove.

with this song !
it's so cutee. i heard it on this girl's myspace && i just think it's the cutest thingg.



her name is Priscilla Renea && here's her official myspace; http://www.myspace.com/PriscillaRenea

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart5.

YOU
are STILL on my mind, && will be in my prayers. i'm still not completely over it, but i do feel like i've regained some of what we lost with that whole ordeal. i hope everything is well with that && that you do what you need to do. as i have already said, i will pray for you.

YOU
are beginning to show your true colors. i don't know exactly what your true intentions are . . but whatever they may be, you just need to chill.

YOU
really should take that down. not only is it disrespectful that you use people's personal life situations in it, but you actually make it obvious as to who they are. seriously, it pisses me off that you portray all of us to be a certain way, because even if that's not how you REALLY see us, it makes us think that that's what you really think of us && our character, && quite frankly, it's insulting. making anything that's made out to be the people that are close to you is never a good idea, espcially without their permission. but if that's what you REALLY think of me, then so be it, because idk how else i can tell you that i don't like where this whole project is going besides telling you everything that i have just typed here. && i'm not changing for you [this i really want you to know, because you seem to be annoyed by "who i am" (your words, not mine). so if that's really the case, then you can just leave bc nobody but me is gonna determine WHO I AM]. so you continue on with what you do, but just know that i find it insulting && i am not supporting it AT ALL.

YOU
have been on my mind a lot lately. i don't wanna end this friendship, but i also don't wanna be too quick to forgive. yes, you hurt me && i never thought that you would do this, but shxt happens . . that's still no excuse, but is there really one ? but we'll get through it. afterall, i think this could have been much worse. so instead of dwelling on the bad, let's try our best to fix this. no, it won't be easy because nothing can change the fact that it DID upset me && i'm still not over it, really. but i will try, i will try.

YOU
are still playing the same game. it seems as if the only reason i can even be nice to you is because i'm still too naive to get over the fact that i actually do still have feelings for you. i keep telling myself, i'll get over you, you aren't worth it, my feelings are gone, but apparently all of that is as far from the truth as it gets. my ignorance to what is actually going on has made me more angry towards people than i actually should be because really, it was YOU all along ! you are the prime suspect while we are all the victims. what happened with the whole sitch disgusts me, seriously. like makes me wanna puke. i want so badly to forget all of this but i can't. i wish things were back to how they used to be, i wish i could press rewind && just say EXACTLY what was on my mind, but i obviously can't. all i can do is let it be && let things work themselves out. adding on to that, i don't know how strong our friendship even is anymore, considering you only talk to me when YOU feel like talking [which is fcked up btw] . . i just don't know what to believe anymore. if you really do still have feelings for me, then i just don't understand that. i can't believe anything that a lot of people say nowadays, && this falls into that category. but i really am sorry that i didn't just say everything from the beginning. really, i am.

YOU
are just wonderful. through all of the horrible things that have happened lately, you have been there to talk to me, console me, and give me advice when i needed it the most. i really want you to know how much that means to me && if you EVER need a friend to talk to, i'm here.

randomshit.

i haven't blogged in forever !
part of that is due to the fact that my laptop's charger is broken && i need a new onee.
so i only get on the PC at school or when i use the desktop at home, which i am starting to do more.

i'm currently at home, babysitting my little cousin, doing world history && health HW, and on myspacee. i'd rather be at fort fun with leah && chante, but i gotta learn to prioritizee.
later on, i'll go to my grandma's house to eat dinner, then probably do MORE HW.
ughh, i hate HW && im soo ready for the summer time.

for one, there's way too much drama going on, ESPECIALLY [of all times] at the end of the year . . like WTF ?
hopefully, all of this mess will blow over by the time the new year starts.

i made the final decision that i won't be playing volleyball this fall. instead, i'm gonna co-manage the team && do scorekeeping at the games.

this blogg is all over the place right now, but i just have a lot of things i wanna talk about . .

don't you hate when you finally get over sumthing . .
but then it just pops bac up, && you can't get that sumthing off of your mind FOR THE SECOND TIME ?
i'm going through a little bit of that right now, but i don't think i'll be paranoid about it for long. i mean, i will always wonder what if . . && maybe this . . but i'll be okay, i think.

sidenote; i think i've played Come On by Asia Cruise like fifteen times in the past hourr.
ooo, Love && Basketball is coming on soon ! [my fave movie everr]

just a final thought . .
URtriflinif..you are Consistantly lying. Always up to no good. Sneaky. Suspect. Whorish. Always scheming. Conniving. (Should never be trusted)
courtesy of shamia (:

jeremih.

is freakinn beautiful !
perfect skin, nice lips, unique voice, just heavenlyy.

substitute teachers are the bestt.

stole this from deanna. lmfao, mann i swear this dudes voice was mad annoying.
im sittin there lookin all clueless && whatnot.
but this is from a few months ago.

comments.

i figured out why i never get any comments.

the comment button was like, dysfunctional.
but i think i fixed it (:

*JiZZAoutt;

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart4.

** note; i wrote the first two a few days ago. some feelings have changed since then.

YOU
are my best friend. i realize that i only need one best friend in this fcked up world && that person is you. thanks for being there.

YOU
can leave. plain && simple. im tired of tryin. && even when i'm the ONLY one there, you still treat me like crap. so i guess it's time to move on. let's see how you feel when you realize that all of the other people never cared as much as me. P.S. ; i could've given up on you at ANY point throughout this year considering all of the times you've given me reason to . . but did i ? ; take a look around and admire the friends [or people that you think are] that you have left around you cuz now, i'm G O N E . i can't wait until the day you realize what a great friend i was to you - - i really don't mean to sound arrogant, but it is true.

YOU
confuse the shxt outta me. make up your mind; WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE ? because i'm not always gonna be there like your little ventriloquist dummy so either you do or you don't. i need to know because opportunities are hitting me like the chill of january weather, so swallow your pride and just say it. really tho, considering all of the things that have happened lately, i dont really know if i'd take your offer even if it was given to me. you have proven me wrong on so many different levels; you're not as perfect && great as i once thought you were - && no, i'm not asking you to be perfect . . i'm just asking you to be true. but it's obvious that just isn't something that you are capable of doing long term, or even short term at that.

YOU
are annoying. leave me alone, lose my number, && have a nice life. kayy ? thxx.

that'swhatyougetwhenyouletyourheartwin.

so this weekend was okay.

not boring, but not hoorah hoorah either.

FRIDAY
- - went to jae's game with kelly. i had fun, no credit due to the actual basketball game, but talking to kelly is what really made it interesting. i discovered some new things that i hadn't known before && it made me think about it pretty much all weekend. but i kinda decided that words don't mean a thing if you can't back your actions up with it, so to the person that i am referring to youcanstillleave because you say one thing but turn around and do the complete opposite. ooo yeah, two can surely play that game.

SATURDAY
- - i thought i was going to the mall, but instead i went to ruby tuesday with mi madre && then to visit my godmother's mother, my godbrother, godsister, && her baby. he is SOOOO cute ! like seriously, just adorable. i'll post pictures one day.

SUNDAY
- - went to busch with kelly, jessie, && erin. i feel like i haven't hung out with erin in ages, it was nice to be with her. sadly, we didn't make any new "friends" but we did see a couple of ppl that we would have liked to befriendd. aha. it started raining && even tho it stopped a little, we left busch garden's early && went to jessie's house. we didn't stay at her house long bc we went to jae's which was interesting bc i realized that jaelynn runs like a crackhead ! lmfao omgg you had to see herr ! but we all got tired of being eaten up by mosquitos so kelly's dad came to get us && we all went home. [that had to be the best day of my weekend]

MONDAY
- - blahhh. woke up around noon && went to my grandma's to eatt. saw the fam [aunt, grandparents, cousin] then left around fivee. now im homee typing this (:



oo yeah; my first vlogg got some good feedback ! maybe i'll make more videos (:

P.S.; it amazes me how i have 30 followers && barely any commenters. =|

first video blog.

idk how often i will do these, but here ya go.
&& my voice sounds deep . . =|

thewayyoumakemefeelpart3.

YOU
are taking me by surprise. never never NEVER in a million years would i have thought that i'd even be thinking of you the way i have been or seeing you in the light that i see you in now . . you make me laugh when i'm having a bad day && i never wanna see the day that we won't be friend's anymore.

YOU
have been my friend ever since i was a confused sixth grader. you have taught me that words are more powerful than any of us could ever imagine, because i would have never thought that my words could mean that much to someone . . especially through a medium such as the computer. boyy, i'm gonna miss you to death. why did you have to end what was so precious so soon ? i love you as if you were here with me in VA && even tho you are gone, that's never gonna change. R.I.P.

YOU
are a mystery. you could be the missing piece to the puzzle that i've been pondering over so long . . or you could just be another person to pass through my life. regardless of "what you are in my life", you are a great friend. or at least i thought so . .

YOU
are a question mark in my book. anonymous you are; still unidentified, but hopefully you will come around soon. i have a feeling it could be you, or maybe even you. you are a stranger but still everything that i want and need.

YOU
used to be one of my favorite people. but those feelings are long gone and i doubt that they will ever return. the way you treat people on certain occassions is really unnecessary and hopefully soon you will realize how rude and wrongg it really is. i dont think you know exactly what the things you do mean to people - you confuse the people who are supposed to be your friends into thinking that you feel some type of way when really, you're just blowing them off for the heck of it. I really believe that if you continue to treat people like this you will loose what could potentially be good friends, but until you
change your behavior, things will remain the same. P.S. : you can't
play a group of friends without them finding out, dumbass.

YOU
are wrong on so many levels. if i could, i would call you out on ALL of your wrong doings . . but that's something that i'm not gonna do because that would be totally unnecessary and triflin but just kno that i kno && that i will never again trust you the way i once did. i thought i had gotten rid of all the twofaced people and trash in my life . . but obviously i have some more cleaning to do. on second thought . . maybe i shouldn't even blame you; why should i ? it's not like we all haven't fallen victim to it. it's just a shame on your part that it had to happen in the way that it did.

mayfourteenth.

So today i took my AP test. That mess was long but not really hard as long as 
you kno your stuff . . . too bad i dont kno my stuff that well . . Aha. 
But yeahh, i took it but i dont think i did too well. Thats okayy bc this is my 
guinea pig year.

Soo i think im dealing with sum twofaced bitchess . . And thats sumthing that i 
genuinely dislike with a passion. But it's okayy because every once in a while 
we need to see people behaving out of character so we can decide for ourselves 
where their loyalty really lies. The friendship(s) that im referring to will 
remain the way they are, but pretty much all trust is gone. I'm not gonna go 
into detail about who or what i am talking about because that would just be 
unnecessary and triflin . . . But now i kno who i can really trust. That 
situation itself ? Well im not concerned about it; it's just really sumthin that 
you can think you have sumone figured out, but then sumthing else tells 
you another side of them is still hidding under the first layer. Well, that's 
life for ya . . .

So what else neww is going on with me ? Nothin really. Bac to the same ol same 
ol, it seems. School is almost out and im SOOO happy for that. i'm even ready 
for a new year to start, but i still have to decide if i'm gonna play volleyball 
this fall. i'm not sure what im gonna do, i may end up just not trying out and 
settling for the manager's position. That really doesn't sound like a bad idea 
right now. I dont have nuch longer to decide; tryouts are in august, but we will 
see.