DONE.

remember when i posted that blog about being DONE with it && the revelation ?

well, i think it's time that it comes to life.

the BULLSHIT is unecessary && it can really LEAVE.
i'm tired tired TIRED of trying && yet recieving nothing in return - no respect, no thanks, no NOTIHN. sick of it.

if you have sumthin that you deem necessary to say, then i'm all ears.
but don't try to say it on sum sly shiii like over myspace, through text, to sumbody else - NO.
say it to ME.

all i kno is that if i find you're not worth my time anymore, i probably won't give you the attention that i used to.
i've tried && TRIED . . && even after the whole revelation, STILL tried. obviously, it's just not gonna work.


SORRY.
actually, i'm not.




(:
that felt good.

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart2.

YOU
have always been there. i just kinda never noticed you until now. it's funny how appearance can really throw sumone off . . not saying that i'm induced by your looks or anything . . but boy, have you grown ! now, looking back at things, i regret not being close to you from the beginning and for not seeing what i see in you now. you're so much fun to be around, like seriously. there's really never a dull moment with you. you're constantly making me laugh with your senseless, yet amusing, jokes && school would probably be boring without you ! (:

YOU
are not as bad as i first thought you were. i'm gonna admit it, at first, i was not very fond of you. but you have grown on me . . i can now see that you are very capable of being a really good friend and sumone that i can laugh with and be around with good spirits. i hope you dont hold my instinct of disliking you against me . . i mean, we all have changing opinions, dont we ? hopefully, our future friendship will grow into that of a stronger one ! (:

YOU
confuse me. you seem to act one way today then another tomorrow; i just don't know what to think anymore. not caring seems like the best option right now && im subconciously starting to do that.

YOU
are one of the greatest people i know. i know that i can count on you. no matter what, i know you'll be there. it saddens me so much to see you go through this, but i will help you through it. when your time on this earth is suspended, i will miss you dearly. hopefully, that won't be for a very long time tho. (: ILY.

YOU
have changed so much. but not really for the better.

&& there's more where this came from !

question;

am i REALLY that untrustworthy ?

i'm really not understanding why certain people feel like if they tell me sumthin, i'm gonna go && tell the ppl that are closest to me.
like seriously ? i barely tell her anything cuz i think she's gonna go && tell her && maybe her. so why even waste my secrets && breath?


so what, it happened ONE time ?
give me a BREAK.
i'm so done with this bullshit - not stressin it anymore because really ? i don't think it's worth it. thought we were gettin sumwhere, but NO. i thought wrong.

i honestly think that i'm gonna end up marrying myself, having sex with myself, && just loving MYSELF because ppl annoy me THAT much.
i feel misunderstood . . TO THE FULLEST.
i feel as tho i can't be trusted && i can trust NO-ONE.
&& i have every reason to feel that way too.
so you can't tell me that i'm blowing this outta proportion.

if you really can't trust me THAT MUCH, then that's fine.
i'm not gonna beg for your loyalty.

then there's the chick that thinks she's just ALL THAT.
it's like she walks around singin to herself, like, "aint i, aint i, aint i, AINT I?"
NO. you aren't. but it's all good.
not even gonna call you out on that one, cuz it's not worth it.
just 'laughing my ass off' bc all of the things you assure yourself are probably FAR from the truth.

i'm just sayin;
certain things && people are slowly starting to lose my interest && attention because it's obvious that they just aren't in my range anymore.
not tryna make any decisions too qucikly tho . . . just kno that it's been on my mind.

sojada, how'slifetreatinya ?

i don't appreciate people ignorin my phone calls. nor do i like it when stupid whores try to act sum type of way, like they're all superior && whatnot.
ughh, whatever - dumb bitches.
this is why i blog - people in their actuality piss the heck outta me !

anyway;
i feel a headache coming along. && i really need to start on this reading for english so i can watch MAKING THE BAND 4 tonight ! this should be good. i already know danity kane is gonna get back together . . yadda yadda ya.

tomorrow night i should be going to the movies with my mainss ! Obsessed would be the flick we're gonna see. idk . . but Beyonce is not that strong of an actress to me. i LUVV her, but i have to admit that. well, i guess this movie will either confirm my thoughts or prove me wrong. whatever.

i meant to do a whole separate blog on this but i never got around to it . . but;
last week, friday [i think ?] was the National Day of Silence. a LOT of my friends and i went silent for the whole SCHOOL DAY as an attempt to get people to notice the struggles of LGBT [lesbians, gays, bisexuals, && transgendered]. i'm proud to say that it was a success && i'm proud of myself for doing it !

life ? is not great but it isn't bad.
i think i'm startin to feel sum type of way again . . you kno, the type of way where i feel the need to knock down any bitch in my way . . i really can't help it && i'm not gonna hold back anymore; sumtimes people just need to hear it.
then there's the other partt where im about to say 'fck it, just let it go' to a certain sitch. because i'm really not sure if it's worth my time anymore. i mean, i kno it is && if i stick around for it i might end up in a great position but i don't know how willing i am to go that extra mile which might affect others as well. but really tho, i'd be lame && STUPID for not pursuing this . . ughh, whatever. we'll see what happens . . most likely, at this point nothing will happen.

i've noticed that one day i come home feeling on top of the world && others i feel like crap . . . it's like there's sum sort of on/off button for my happiness. i just wish i had the remote control so i could decide what button to press.

thewayYOUmakemefeel.

YOU
make me smile. i can talk to you about a LOT of things && i'm so happy that we've gotten closer. you're a GREAT friend && i'd never want to lose you. BTW; don't ever change because that would be HORRIBLE. you're a person with a BIG heart . . . out of all of the people that i know, you are one of the ones with the best character . . . i luvv you a lot ! (:

YOU
are truly thee best. you are the epitome of what a friend should be and is. i'm so happy i met you && if you ever leave me i dont kno what i'll do. i consider you to be one of the people i can rely on when things go wrong && i hope you feel the same way. i can relate to you on SOO many different levels; we seem to have a LOT in common. you really mean a lot to me, probably more than you think . . . i just have one request: don't ever forget about me because i don't think i'll forget about you. (:

YOU
annoy me at times. you don't listen to me [&& when you do, you're so eager to put in your two cents that you INTERRUPT], so i don't have an urgency to tell you things most of the time. you put yourself before others a lot && even tho you say you're sorry, i really don't think you are. but on the other side of that, you're a joy to be around. when it's needed, you can be a really good friend. && for that, i luvv you.

YOU
are really something. you CAN be fun to be around, but i'm not too sure about that lately. trust is key in ANY friendship && i really don't think we have as much of that as we used to anymore. this is because of the simple fact that you don't kno how to keep to yourself when it's needed a lot of the time. personal issues aren't meant to be discussed in the open && put out there for the public to see . . but obviously, you just can't grasp that concept. because of this && other reasons, i've thought about giving up on you . . but i don't think i ever will. PS; you are hilarious. (:

YOU
are one of the most animated people that i know. i now consider you to be a friend && even tho this conflicts with personal wants, i still call you that. if it ever comes to that, i really hope that we can maintain what we DO have as friends.

YOU
have grown into one of my good friends. it's really nice to know that you can trust me with the things that you say, && i too can trust you. hopefully, this friendship will grow even stronger with the years to come.

YOU
are very reliable. i can count on you to talk to me when i need it && you always have an opinion for me to hear && consider. you are one of the best friends that i've made this year && i wouldn't trade you for anythingg ! you are hilarious && even tho you act up sumtimes, i still luvv you.

YOU
are quite a person. sarcastic, funny, && mean . . . all that, you are. but not so much in a bad way. you have your moments where you need to hear the common phrase "UCUHLEAVE" . . but i enjoy your presence && i never wanna see you "LEAVE." LMFAO.

[poem] fortherecord.

although i started a few days ago && just picked back up on it, i put this together sumwhat quickly. so i don't think it's the best && it doesn't represent MY feelings accurately but it means sumthin to me . . check it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

for the record . . .

i never thought i'd feel for anybody the way i felt for you;
but i did.
i never knew your words spoken could amount to anything more than just casual banter;
but they have.
you probably never thought that those talks we had were ever important to me;
but they were.

from the late nights to the early mornings,
the laughs of good times and the tears of bad,
i never noticed that from the beginning
you were always there; i just couldn't see it.

i couldn't fathom that you would ever see me
the way, i now realize, that i've always seen you
and now i ponder on the would haves, the could haves, the ifs, the buts, and the maybes;
you tell me to think in the now, so i will only ponder what i will make happen . . .

i never thought that we'd be entangled in this affair;
but we are.
i never knew that you could make me feel this way;
but you do.
you probably think your presence isn't worth more to me than just what others take it to be;
but it is.

i never thought i could be in this crazy swirl of love;
b u t i a m.

thisneedstobesaid.

JOCKS.

i hate you && everything you stand for [whatever the fck that may be . . seeing as what you *attemp to; stand for is what i actually am . . whatev].

you are getting nowhere with not BEING YOURSELF. don't impersonate sumbody else; you just look stupid && desperate. SERIOUSLY.

i don't know how many times i've said this but . .
originality is EVERYTHING.

get some . .

that's all i have to say on that (:

[short story] love is a strong word, but hate is even stronger.

SHE HATED HER.

it hadn't started when she was born or even when she became old enough to realize what filth the world actually contained. but it rather began when she had simply had enough. it started to take more of a toll on her than ever; her social life, her home life, and her innerself were all rupturing before she could put the pieces back together [or so that's what it felt]. she could no longer hold in the emotions that she'd kept locked in her for so long. it was a REVOLT.

"dumb bitch," she muttered to herself, or so she thought she had. but it came out to be louder than it was meant to.

"what the hell did you just say to me?" her mother was not one to tolerate backtalk or anything of the sort, and she defenitely would not put up with being called out of her name by her own children.

"answer me, girl. what the hell did you just say to me?"

"nothing, i said nothing." she was more scared than she had ever been. it amazed, yet frightened, her that she had even allowed her lips to utter such things in the presence of this woman.


but this was only the first of the outbreaks. the second had been the worst of the two. the second had been the time when she finally let go - all of the previous anger and hidden sadness that was built up was finally released.

"im tired of your shit." she had said it, but this time with confidence and no leftover weight on her conscience.

"what?" the middle-aged woman exclaimed.

"i said," she announced with great inflection in her voice, "i'm tired of your shit. i'm tired of you. i'm sick of the way that you treat me; you obviously don't love me so don't try to say that you do. i hate living this way, here, with you. i cant stand your bitchy attitudes and the way you talk to me like i'll just forget that this even happened. i just only wish that you could spend a day in my shoes and see how this really makes me feel. your actions don't only affect you and though i doubt you'll ever understand it, they really affect me too. "

"you think i care that you don't like me?" the woman exclaimed yet again.

"it's not enough to say that i don't like you, but i think i'm actually beginning to hate you."

she felt better than she ever had. she didn't exactly feel great for lessening her mother's worth, - but then again, her mother had done that enough herself with those late nights and early mornings - but she did feel good for standing up for herself. she felt like she'd be okay for a short period of time. but that was before it hit her . . literally.

a huge sting lingered on her brown cheek. the slap hit her so hard that she loss the proud feeling she had just had a few moments ago.

"you hate me?" her mother's expression wasn't an angry one, but more of a sad one.

the teenage girl just stared upon her mother's brown, round face. she was no longer proud, or scared. she was now regretful. what had she said? had that been the right way to word her feelings?

she hadn't meant to hurt her mother or sadden her with doubts of her child's love for her. she had only meant to make her feel the same way she felt everyday. but that's when she realized . .
that was exactly how she felt. and as much as it pained her to admit it, she had lost faith that the mother she wished for would ever come back.

***********************************
this is my first short story that has been posted on blogger.
please leave your comments; tell me how i can improve my writing && included what my strongpoints are.
&& also, just tell me if you liked it ! (:

lovers&&friends ?

so im just sittin back, listening to Closer by Drake && Andreena Mills.
i swear he's the realest.
for those of you that JUST hopped onto his stuff, you're not a true fan of him until you've heard his old stuff, because it's just as good [if not better] than his most recent.

so i've been hit with sum hard news lately . . nothing i really wish to discuss with the world. but let's just say hopefully this will overcome us all, because if it doesn't then . . i dont kno . . but it's like;
why do bad things happen to GREAT people ? i mean, really tho . . she doesn't deserve this . . she's great to everyone around her, does everything she possibly could for EVERYBODY. this truly SUCKS.

anywhooo. i meant to blog on this a long time ago . . but there's a lot of things i wanna blog about that i haven't . .
soo, FRIENDS; guy/girl friendships to be specific.
can a guy && a girl ever JUST be friends ? that meaning without one or the other ever catching feelings.
my answer to this ? is vague.
umm, i suppose this can be possible, but chances are if they aren't emotionally connected in that way, the girl will start to notice how right the guy looks in one of his brand new polos, or the guy will start wondering what's beneath the threads of her jeans or sum mess like that.
that's just natural; to wonder what sumone of the opposite sex is like . . idk, physically ?

but then there's the scenario where one starts catching feelings for the other . .
now me, personally, i wouldn't want to risk a GREAT friendship for a relationship that might not even last. bc there's a pretty good chance that in the course of that relationship or even after that shortlived relationship ends, the way you felt for each other as FRIENDS will die too . . && thinking about sum of the good friendships i've had with sum of my guyfriends . . i doubt i'd want to risk that.
they say that friends make for the best relationships . . && that makes sense, seeing that you need to KNOW a person before getting into a relationship . . then there's the issue of trust, && with a friend, you should already have that. so it'd be perfect.

i could talk about this more . . throwing in personal stuff . . but i'd rather not.
i'm REALLY tired, so i'm probably gonna take a shower && get in the bed after this.
hope yall have a good weekend (:

ithinkihadarevelation;

&& thats my revelation.
idk if you all can see or read that . . so here's what it says;

you cannot please everybody;
as much as i try to, i just can't
&& i'm tired && DONE with trying while all of my efforts go unnoticed.
sumtimes you just have to let go of what does not want to be helped - even if you think it's worth it, sumtimes there's just nothing you can do.
you cannot make sumthing change or act the way you want them to act, so in the end, all ou CAN do is ACCEPT the flaws that have been offered or LET GO.
&& i think that's what i'm doing . . letting go.
it wouldn't be accurate to say that i dont care anymore . . just that i don't care enough to continue trying.

yeahh.
that applies to specific things && people in my life.
i'm tired of trying just for you to just sit there acting like a little bitch when things aren't going the way you want them.
i hate the fact that nobody seems to care that i was the ONLY one there, the ONLY one, when everybody else gave up on POOR LITTLE YOU.
but now, i think im gonna be the only one to walk away . .

but it's whatever.
i'm not even stressing it because, as stated in that little 'revelation', sumtimes you just have to let go of what does not want to be helped - even if you think it's worth it, sumtimes there's just nothing you can do.

freshh;likesundaymornin.(:

SPRING BREAK !

- - has officially started.
(:

yesterday was funn;
1) spent the the first part of my day doing absolutely NOTHIN.
2) then shamia came over; we went outside, saw a few goons that really had no business showin themselves to the public, got honked at by a few old men (can you say disgustingg ?!|, && played sum volleyball (cuz yall kno i gotta get my skills bac by June if i'm tryin to play this fall !|.
3) me && shamia went to see taylor play jae && diana's AAU basketball team. that was hella fun; SOOO many dudes there . . all athletes of course, cuz this was at boo williams. && i kno i almost passed out a few times bc emmm . . ahaha, but enough of that.

today was pretty chill.
did nothin all day except went to my grandma's house to eat the usual Sunday dinner.

OHMAHGAH !
why is this annoyin dude textin me ?!
yall, i think i got a stalker on my hands.
he won't leave me alone ! everybody, including myself, keeps tellin him "SHE DON'T LIKE YOU !" but, apparently, he does not kno the meaning of that.
&& i won't even tell yall how he got my phone number bc that will just piss me off all the more.
&& to think i was having a great day until just now . .
smdh.

anywhoo . . here's sum pics to entertain your minds. (: