ivedecided.[new year's resolutions done a different way.]

that i don't care anymore.
your mood swings are something that i choose not to deal with.
a bitch one minute, a saint the next. - you are.
&oh yes, boys can be bitches too.

to focus on what makes jada happy.
and that's him. and sometimes them.
you're no longer a worry of mine if you're just gonna bring me up and down.

to see what you see in me.
sure, it will be hard. but i'm gonna try like there's no tomorrow. because like you said,
i'm missing out.

to not be afraid.
MJP, we WILL be within five feet of each other as soon as 2010 rolls around.

to better myself.
i'm gonna do it. i will try. i make no promises.

to have a great year !
this year i'll turn sixteen, get my permit, and all of that crazy stuff.
can't wait. (:

lovelost.

WHY

are we saying goodbye before we say hi
dying without trying
falling without reason

i'm stalling.
but that's only because this fear in my heart
is too strong to let me move on
to that next step.

and i'm scared.
that we are crashing and burning
and i'm slowly learning
that nothing is ever easy in
love.

i'm nervous.
to find what's behind
the you that i have always known.

the you that i love.
that i've always put above . . .

until now.

i blame this on myself
and nobody else
will ever replace you.

but i should have been thinking when i was wishfully making
that decision.
i should have been trying before we started dying,
but i wasn't.

and it hurts me to say
that the day that we may
end is approaching . . .

or maybe not the end
but just the "begin"
of a very sad process.

and i don't know what to do.
i love you . .
i love you . .
i do.

and it hurts.

not even the tears . . .
not even the people around me . . .
not even myself . . .
understands any of this.

and i hate to say
that i'm slowly starting to
accept this.

but i can't.
and i won't.
because you're my hope,
my joy,
my love.

and i can't lose you.

thewayYOUmakemefeel*special.

the style of your hair,
shape of your eyes and your nose.
the way you stare-
as if you see right through to my soul.
it's your left hand
and the way . . that it's not quite as big as your right.
the way you stand -
in the mirror -
before we go out at night.

our quiet time,

your beautiful mind . . .

everybody's telling me to wait for you to call back.
but i don't ever want another girl to come and get that.
my train of thought is gone and now you're running on the same track.
and now you're leaving me to have to find out where you've been at.

can you tell me where did he go ? . . .

they're all part of the list
of things that i miss,
things like your funny little laugh
or the way you smile -
or the way we kiss.
what i notice is this:
i come up with
something new every single time
that i sit and reminisce.

i'm a mess right now:
out of order,
i'm torn up,
i'm going down.
won't you hold me together:
i'm pouring out.
i need you,

that's . . .

how i feel.



the way your sweet smell
lingers when you leave the room.
stories you tell -
as we lay -
in bed all afternoon.
i dreamed you now,
every night,
and my mind is where we meet.
and when i'm awake
staring at pictures of you asleep.

touching your face

invading your space . . .

i refuse to believe you do
not think of me like i do you.
if i'm right then show me, come through;

cause i've been needing you lately.

people always asking why it's got me wearing all black.
stress done got the best of me - i really need to fall back.
wish i never said that you and me could never go back.
but i just wasn't thinking - can't you see i didn't mean that ?

can you tell where did he go ?

and you live in my memories
forever more,

i swear.

*partofthelist;ne-yo and *wheredidhego;kerihilson.

thepointofitall. - - thewayYOUmakemefeel.

DAMN.

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong . . .

i miss you.

like hell. and i don't see the fault, the loophole, the crack . . in the foundation that made us. I just don't get it. And it pains me so much because even though you're still there, you're not here: and that's where i need you the most: here.

I can think back to those years ago when it was just me and you, chillin in our little on virtual world. ha. those were the days . . . i miss them. when it wasn't confusing or complicated because it was not even in our restricted vocabulary to express the feelings that you claim to have always had and the feelings that i soon came to develop.

And that day . . . i remember it. when you told me about your problem. never will it leave my memory . . . i've been there by your side ever since, and never will i leave. i promise you that.

I Love You. yes, yes; i know my actions may not support that statement, but i promise you that i will never hurt you like that again. i want to say that i regret it, but i don't. it was a struggle that i went through to learn and a choice that i made because i wanted to. i just regret and hate that you got hurt as a result of it.

you are AMAZING. please don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. because, even if only to me, you are amazing. and i love you. i can't say that enough. you make me smile without even knowing you do. i don't even know where to begin, because there is no beginning or ending to what you mean to me. you're just everything . . . and you probably don't even know i feel this way. but you are my bestfriend. the one that i can talk to about anything and everything, that makes me smile in the saddest of times . . . but lately, i feel like that's been slipping. and i want it back so badly . . . but i dont know if it's just me, going through this depressed "fuck the world" stage, or if this is truly us . . . dying.

i can't stay away from you too long.

even if i do, i'll always call.

checking on you, make sure you're okay,

be the one to brighten up your day.

and the point of it all . . .

is i love you.

i admit:
sometimes this song makes me cry.
and it always makes me think of you.
i love you;
always&forever . . .

fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.