ivedecided.[new year's resolutions done a different way.]

that i don't care anymore.
your mood swings are something that i choose not to deal with.
a bitch one minute, a saint the next. - you are.
&oh yes, boys can be bitches too.

to focus on what makes jada happy.
and that's him. and sometimes them.
you're no longer a worry of mine if you're just gonna bring me up and down.

to see what you see in me.
sure, it will be hard. but i'm gonna try like there's no tomorrow. because like you said,
i'm missing out.

to not be afraid.
MJP, we WILL be within five feet of each other as soon as 2010 rolls around.

to better myself.
i'm gonna do it. i will try. i make no promises.

to have a great year !
this year i'll turn sixteen, get my permit, and all of that crazy stuff.
can't wait. (:

lessonslearned.

things i have learned as of lately.

1. don't stress what won't matter in the future because you just might miss out on something that could have been great.

- - - i've seen this happen once too many times this year . . to me && to other people. i hate that i worried so much about all of the small things because it really caused me to miss out on some things && people, && it would have been great to have had those experiences. i think that if i had just payed attention to what was happening then, things now would be much different . .

2. you have to learn to ACCEPT the flaws or just LET GO.

- - - you CANNOT change somebody, particularly somebody who does not want to be changed. it's just not gonna happen. there have been several instances where i have tried to accept people the way they were but they wouldn't accept me back. && that's when i decided, i just don't care.

3. relationships can be broken by the smallest things.

- - - this is so true. a few of my relationships this year that have been damaged are damaged, but for what reason ? it's like the smallest things build up . . && if you LET those things continue to build, they will become irreversible && you will be in a position that you never intended to be in.

4. you CANNOT help something or someone that/who does not want to be helped.

- - - this is pretty much the same as 'you cannot change something or somebody' . . you just can't. i don't wanna say that i've tried to change any of my friends this year . . but more of help them. if you're a position that i see is hurting you more than helping you, i'm gonna try to get you out of that position, but if you are reluctant to move with me, then i cannot help you. this one is hard to put into words, so i hope you all understood that.

5. you may be just plain jane in your own eyes, but i GUARANTEE you that there is somebody out there who thinks you're a pearl in a box of tainted jewlery.

- - - this one has been very true for me. it's hard for me to verbalize this . . really hard. but you know how something totally catches you offguard ? it's kinda like that . . . well, i never thought that i was like BAM! or stunning or anything like that y'kno ? but i realized that even though i don't, there is somebody out there who does . . && it's really nice to know that.

6. you can't please everybody.

- - - i'm not the type of person to go out of my way to be somebody's friend or make them happy. like, if we don't click then we just DON'T. this year i tried and tried to befriend somebody, but i realized that i just don't like this person like that. i emotionally CAN'T be friends with them because there is not a time when i am with them that this person does not get on my nerves ! . . . && don't get me wrong, i seriously TRIED . . all freakin school year, && failed each time. i still don't understand what's so great to love about this person . . && i probably never will. i mean, we can be acquaintances, but we have a long way until we are FRIENDS.

7. holding back is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make.

- - - you know why ? because when you hold back what you so desperately need to say or what you are truly feeling, you hinder what the future could possibly present you with. i've held back a lot in my recent past . . . in a certain situation, had i not held back, an event that forever ruined trust with my "best friend" could have been avoided . . had i not held back, me and you may be in a different place today . . but what's done is done. it's just another lesson learned: never hold back.

8. some people are put into your life to teach you a lesson . . && others are there to stay.

- - - kinda like in that one tyler perry play, where he compares people to trees. some people are leaves, who leave you in seasons. some people are the branches, who thin through time. && others are the stem that stick with you through everything. i think i have realized who my bark && stems are . . also, in the words of Kelly: there's a distinct line between bitches and friends.

i might add on to this later.
but right now, this is all that comes to mind.

DONE.

remember when i posted that blog about being DONE with it && the revelation ?

well, i think it's time that it comes to life.

the BULLSHIT is unecessary && it can really LEAVE.
i'm tired tired TIRED of trying && yet recieving nothing in return - no respect, no thanks, no NOTIHN. sick of it.

if you have sumthin that you deem necessary to say, then i'm all ears.
but don't try to say it on sum sly shiii like over myspace, through text, to sumbody else - NO.
say it to ME.

all i kno is that if i find you're not worth my time anymore, i probably won't give you the attention that i used to.
i've tried && TRIED . . && even after the whole revelation, STILL tried. obviously, it's just not gonna work.


SORRY.
actually, i'm not.




(:
that felt good.

lovers&&friends ?

so im just sittin back, listening to Closer by Drake && Andreena Mills.
i swear he's the realest.
for those of you that JUST hopped onto his stuff, you're not a true fan of him until you've heard his old stuff, because it's just as good [if not better] than his most recent.

so i've been hit with sum hard news lately . . nothing i really wish to discuss with the world. but let's just say hopefully this will overcome us all, because if it doesn't then . . i dont kno . . but it's like;
why do bad things happen to GREAT people ? i mean, really tho . . she doesn't deserve this . . she's great to everyone around her, does everything she possibly could for EVERYBODY. this truly SUCKS.

anywhooo. i meant to blog on this a long time ago . . but there's a lot of things i wanna blog about that i haven't . .
soo, FRIENDS; guy/girl friendships to be specific.
can a guy && a girl ever JUST be friends ? that meaning without one or the other ever catching feelings.
my answer to this ? is vague.
umm, i suppose this can be possible, but chances are if they aren't emotionally connected in that way, the girl will start to notice how right the guy looks in one of his brand new polos, or the guy will start wondering what's beneath the threads of her jeans or sum mess like that.
that's just natural; to wonder what sumone of the opposite sex is like . . idk, physically ?

but then there's the scenario where one starts catching feelings for the other . .
now me, personally, i wouldn't want to risk a GREAT friendship for a relationship that might not even last. bc there's a pretty good chance that in the course of that relationship or even after that shortlived relationship ends, the way you felt for each other as FRIENDS will die too . . && thinking about sum of the good friendships i've had with sum of my guyfriends . . i doubt i'd want to risk that.
they say that friends make for the best relationships . . && that makes sense, seeing that you need to KNOW a person before getting into a relationship . . then there's the issue of trust, && with a friend, you should already have that. so it'd be perfect.

i could talk about this more . . throwing in personal stuff . . but i'd rather not.
i'm REALLY tired, so i'm probably gonna take a shower && get in the bed after this.
hope yall have a good weekend (:

ithinkihadarevelation;

&& thats my revelation.
idk if you all can see or read that . . so here's what it says;

you cannot please everybody;
as much as i try to, i just can't
&& i'm tired && DONE with trying while all of my efforts go unnoticed.
sumtimes you just have to let go of what does not want to be helped - even if you think it's worth it, sumtimes there's just nothing you can do.
you cannot make sumthing change or act the way you want them to act, so in the end, all ou CAN do is ACCEPT the flaws that have been offered or LET GO.
&& i think that's what i'm doing . . letting go.
it wouldn't be accurate to say that i dont care anymore . . just that i don't care enough to continue trying.

yeahh.
that applies to specific things && people in my life.
i'm tired of trying just for you to just sit there acting like a little bitch when things aren't going the way you want them.
i hate the fact that nobody seems to care that i was the ONLY one there, the ONLY one, when everybody else gave up on POOR LITTLE YOU.
but now, i think im gonna be the only one to walk away . .

but it's whatever.
i'm not even stressing it because, as stated in that little 'revelation', sumtimes you just have to let go of what does not want to be helped - even if you think it's worth it, sumtimes there's just nothing you can do.

don't you just love how;

people contradict themselves.

more specifically;
it annoys the crap outta me when people get heated when they aren't invited places && included in everything you do . .
but when YOU aren't invited to everything they do it's supposed to be all good ?

nawww hoee, fckk THAT !

it's not even about ppl who WANT to be included . . it's those who actually COMPLAIN.

idk, but that annoys me a little.
like, i have to take you out in public ALL THE TIME.
but when it all comes down to it, you feel like you can just chillax on the invitations bc you're just magically important ?
da fck ?

emmhmmm, seems to me that there's sum foulplay in that.


then also [since im in ranting mode] . . .
you got those ppl who just WANT you to say sumthin . . like they'll walk away just KNON that you're gonna tell them not to leave . . or they'll put themselves down just KNON that you're gonna make them feel better about a flaw that's not even there . .

UH UH, THEY JUST KNEW.

but i caught myself on that today . . i said sumthin [jokingly, of course] to my friend and [he/she] just walked away, takin it all serious && shii. && i had THE NERVE to be like "waitt, i was just kidding !"

if i could go back, i would slap myself at that very moment . . .
ughhh, i'm just a person that's FULL of annoyances . . one day i'll blogg about what actually does make me happy . .

wats poppin ma ?

da FCK ?

my answer to the title of this blog ? NOTHING.
honestly, that's what i'm about to start using as a reply to any dude that asks me that.
i mean, get a new line. seriously tho.

don't come at me OVER MYSPACE like that.
if you really wanna start a conversation with me or get to know me then,

FIRST OF ALL;
get ya grammar correct. i mean, a sentence needs to have a subject && a verb, firstly.

SECOND OF ALL;
be ORIGINAL !
i think im about to stop responding to these DUMB AS FCK messages like, "Wats gud" && "wats poppin" && all that other shii.
like really, some of these guys talk to me for the first time saying that, && that's alright SOMETIMES. but if it starts to become a habit, then that's a problem.

THIRD;
if you ARE talkin to me for the first time, then why even say that ?
why not start out with "What's your name?" or something simple like that.
i mean, REALLY THO !

i just had to get that outta my system cuz, WOO CHILLLD, i just got another message like that.

Moral of the story ?;
If you wanna score brownie points, don't ask me dumb oversaid questions.
kayy ? thxx (:

don't you hate it when

people rush you off the phone ?
like, wtf ?
yeah, i kno. why the heck is she bloggin about this ? well, it was just an annoyance of mine at the time of writing.

*; no need to be rude with it. if you gotta go, you gotta go, but don't catch an attitude with me bc i'll tell you about yerself.

*; if i'm talking to you about sumthin important [ESPECIALLY, if i'm talkin to you about sumthin important], DON'T RUSH ME OFF THE FCKIN PHONE. then i hate it when they be like "blahblahblahblahblah, but i'm on the phone with [insert name here] so i'll talk to you later"
it's like, "BITCH, I DON'T NEED TO KNO WHO'S ON YOUR OTHER LINE ! OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT, SO [said person] CUH LEAVE."

- when ppl tell me who's on there other line, i usually figure that they want me to kno for a reason, or to make themselves seems important, y'kno ?
like say you call your ex up . . you could just wanna talk, maybe patch things up, or see if there's any room for friendship there . . and he's like "oh hey, i can't talk right now, Nesha's on my other line," KNO'n good && well that Nesha was the jump off that broke yall up.

this brings me to my next topic . .

[don't u hate it when . . ]
people purposely throw stuff in your face knowing it's gonna affect you in a negative way ?
to me, that's one of the lowest things you can do.
sadly, i have alot of friends that enjoy doing that. deliberately ? most likely, but all i kno is that they've been doing it for as long as i can remember, but honestly, i think it's because they are insecure && unsatisfied with themselves.
i can't really think any good examples . . but it's really evident when they are doing it && when their enthusiasm is genuine.
likeee, they have that i told you so attitude or they're just that much of a bxtch . . .


sumthin else that annoys me to the extreme is when ppl put themselves down to get compliments . .
like wtf ?
please show at least A LITTLE self respect !
if you don't respect yourself && what you have to offer then who will ?
i sure as heck won't. i mean, there are the ppl who TRULY believe that they are "fat" or "ugly" or just plain "unloved", && i would be glad to tell you that you aren't.
but then there are the others that do this periodically, just to get attention.

"oh, i'm never wanted" or "i'm too fat for anybody to ever see anything in me" - - i'm just gonna be like, "you're right. you'll never amount to anything because you're such an ASS to YOURSELF !"
i'm just like, over being the nice person in everything.
well, i've never been called the nicest person in any group, but im done with trying to be there for the people who don't deserve it. in a way, this has nothing to do with the above statements, but in a way, it does.
. . . don't ask.


Moral of the story ?;

only jackasses rush ppl off the phone, brag about stuff to make their 'friends' or even acquaintances feel bad, && make themselves into a menial being.

WHAT|THE|FCK ?!

ooo my jizza oo my jizza ooo my jizza !

just STOP !

i'm sooo SICK of people taking sides in stuff that they don't even know about !
in case you haven't already figured it out, i'm referring to the Chris Brown - Rihanna sitch.

sumbody tell me WHY people like to speak on stuff they don't know about ?
i mean, first of all;
there are SOO many freakin rumors goin around ! now, obviously, SUMBODY had to START the rumor in order for 24973953105031854 other people to have heard about it. this is truly SAD.
these are the things that i have heard of so far;

• chris brown went psycho because he found out rihanna gave him herpes - - WRONG ! ; if that happened to be true [which it MOST LIKELY isn't], it's a WRAP for him in every way possible.
  
• rihanna threw chris brown's keys outta the car and he snapped - - POSSIBLY true; i believe this to be true, but if so, there is MUCH more to the story.
• rihanna went psycho on chris brown after reading a text message on his phone OR after he told her it was over and he proceeded to pick up another girl while rihanna was still in the car and that's when she snapped - - oooooo YES ! i always thought rihanna was one of them PSYCHO bxtches . . i think that any variation of this story could be true. afterall, most of the stories i have heard had sum sorta variation of this && they all make sense. but if chris really did pick up sum girl while he was with her then just . . WOW. childish.
• rihanna swung the first punch - - hahaha. need a say more ? this right here ? is SOOO believable.
  
• they got into a car accident, therefore all of rihanna's bruises aren't from chris, himmself. OR chris was trying to pull rihanna out of the car but she wouldn't leave && got her injuries from hitting the dashboard, etc. - - i truly believe this one right here. that makes alot of sense because chris brown really does NOT seem like the type of dude to go amazin hulk on ANYBODY, even with good reason. so this makes alotta sense. i mean, could you really believe that rihanna, being as tall as she is, would let a dude that is almost equivalent in size beat her without taking defense ? this brings me to the last rumor i will name . .
  
• it was one on one ; they were BOTH hitting EACH OTHER - - this is probably the most accurate rumor of them all. like i just said, rihanna's tall [&& crazy] ass is not just gonna let chris brown swing at her without defending herself. really ? WHY would she not fight bac ? so if what i'm saying makes sense && is true, then WHY is chris getting all of the NEGATIVE media attention ? && why are double standards playing such a huge, but backseated, role in this ?
  

rihanna is getting the easy way out because of a DOUBLE STANDARD ?!

okay, see this ? PISSES ME OFF !
i have a question; why is it okay for a woman to hit a man but NEVER okay for a man to hit a woman ?
i understand that it is out of respect that a man never hits a woman, but there are times that you need to defend yourself.

guys, if a girl was comin at you wrong && then started HITTING you. && i don't mean hitting like playfully or weakly, but VIOLENTLY, would you NOT defend yourself ? COME ON NOW. you can't tell me that you wouldn't. && if you wouldn't it's probably BECAUSE of that stupid double standard.
i think that a man has every right to defend hisself if ANYBODY violently attacks him.

ladies, i kno you're probably like NO, a man should never hit a woman, but you aren't seeing all sides of the situation.
women of our country fought for the equal rights of WOMEN && MEN. so if this equality applies to EVERYTHING, then why are we putting ourselves on a pedestal ? why should it be okay for WOMEN to do something that men cannot do [&& vice versa] ? exactly, it SHOULDN'T be okay.

so really; WHY is rihanna getting all of the good media attention ? they will display all of these rumors, but not ONCE will they demean her but find EVERY reason to demean chris ? BEEE-ESSS !
just because chris is a MALE he gets negative attention thrown at him because . . OMG GET READDYYY FOR IT ! . . he HIT A WOMAN ! okay ? if it had been a FEMALE beating a MALE would it have been any different ? i think it would have . . this has EVERYTHING to do with the double standard of females being higher than a male physically.

STOP TAKIN SIDES !

okay, just because you "LOVE" chris brown means NOTHING AT ALL ! i luvv him too . . but that doesn't mean you should automatically take his side.
i've seen comments on blogs, websites, && even CHRIS BROWN && RIHANNA'S MYSPACES! saying "chris, you don't need that BITCH bringin you down !" or "WE KNO YOU DIDNT DO IT CHRIS !" or "RIHANNA YOU GOT SOME NERVE TO MAKE CHRIS SEEM LIKE A WOMANBEATER".
like WTF ? CHILL OUT ! you can't go bashin one or the other just because you "LOVE" them ! just like you can't take sides based on a double standard or what you 'heard'.

now see, i'm kinda siding with chris. && don't go giving me the hypocrisy speech because i have my reasons.

i could see a long time ago that sumthin wasn't all peaches && cream with rihanna . . && now i believe that even more. i think she has a side that only the people in her life have seen. && plus, why in the world would CB go off like that ? really ? there HAS to be more to the story. i just sense that there's sum error in rihanna's story. but i can't say anything right now because NOTHING has been clarified.

&& also . . chris brown supposedly issued a statement on his facebook saying that it was okay bc we will all soon see rihanna's dark side. && i believe i already have.

you're trying too hard to be yourself, you racist asshole.

this has been bugging me lately.

why is it that being yourself is now trying to hard to fit into today's society ?
seriously ?
just because i like to look my best, listen to popular music, && watch popular TV shows that makes me just like the others ?
i understand that in some sense it would, seeing that alot of other people like those things, but i can't help what i like && i'm sure as hell not gonna change what i like just because YOU think that i'm being something that everybody is.

personally, i think that some people try too hard to NOT fit in.
okay, you can try your best to look like a bum or look like you tried a little too hard to put that ugly outfit together, listen only to the most unknown artist there are, and avoid watching MTV, BET, VH1, and every other popular channel JUST BECAUSE;
but that's not me.
i like what i like && you just don't play a role in deciding that, buddy.


TOPICNUMBERTWOO;;

ummmm. stereotypes ?
hate em.

if you're gonna be stereotypical, please don't be around me while doing it.
because from now on, as i just decided, i'll most likely go off.

i'm sick of these dumb stereotypes.
when i hear sumbody use these stereotypes, the following things come to mind;
dumb, uneducated, trying too hard to be funny, i wanna punch the shxt outta you, && are you seriously serious right now ?

i mean, really tho ?
"now you kno there's too many black people in the room when somebody's wallet goes missing !"
wtf ?
"of course you hopped the border; you're mexican !"
WTF ?
"come on, i'm black; does it LOOK like i have any money ?"
WHAT THE FXCK ?

PEOPLE.
get over yourselves !

okay, now i can laugh at the occasional joke that doesn't sound TOO racist, but all of the constant, super RACIST-sounding jokes gotta go.

ooo, && trust && believe that i'll be real enough && tell you to your face that saying dumb shxt like that only makes you sound like a racist asshole that doesnt have a good sense of humor.

sometimes i think im mean for telling people how i really feel about them && their actions to their face, right then and there. but then i remember; i'm not afraid to speak my opinion && my mind. if i'm thinking it, then most likely i'm saying it. that gets me in trouble in school && with adults sumtimes, but really, does it LOOK like i care ?
ahahaha. jay ay dee ay doesn't give a FXCK what you think hoeeee.
(:

Moral of the story ? ;
ONE; If being yourself qualifies as being what other people like to be, then so BE it ! ; don't change YOU for anything. if you like somethin, then gone 'head witcha bad self !
TWO; IN: funny jokes - - OUT: stereotypical jokes.