fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.

randomthoughts.

1. "and the award for the best lie goes to you . . for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. let's hear your speech."

2. do i have to spell it out to you ? i'm saying GOODBYE.

3. i WANT you. but wanting you and needing you are two different things. i NEED you. but needing you is a feeling a can't seem to feel the fullness of right now.

4. i don't want you to leave like the others. please don't.

5. i miss you . . so much. so much has changed. i miss the old you.

6. i need a manicure.

7. "he's still. still the man of my dreams. he's still. still the man for me. and i'm still in love with him deep, deeply." he . . is.

8. IBcuhleave. so can homework and freaking projects.

9. yeahhhhbuddie. i can't wait (: till that moment . . when we'll get to do all the things that we promised we would.

10. love has become so common in my brain.

11. the best way to be beautiful is to be beautiful and unaware.

12. i am convinced that you are a joke and i'm just now taking the time to really laugh.

13. missing you is an everyday thing.

14. "such a mystery, when he's here with me . . it's hard to believe i'm still lonely."

cry.

dear -,
today, i cried.
as soon as my bag dropped from my shoulder and hit the floor, the door creaked shut, and the shoes came off, the first tear left my face.

it wasn't because of school, or even the stress from practice . .

today, i listened to the full song for the first time in a long time.

it was not easy . . the words, as always made so much sense to me; the situation is the same, never changed: how can one song tell the story of many chapters in a more than eventful book ?

i haven't figured out the answer to that question. it will always be a mystery, but i'm glad that somebody, even if it's just the writer of that particular song, knows how i feel.

i wish you cared.

i wish so badly that it mattered to you enough that you would actually say, "hey, i was wrong. i'm a jerk. i feel like shit." i know it sounds stupid, but i want you to feel the same way i feel.

so i was crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and bitching, and talking to friends, and crying.

but then a girl said: we will get through this together.

and i believe her.

doingtoomuch.

haven't blogged in a minute.

the last blog i made didn't go through well from my phone, so i'll summarize that.



pretty much, i went to the America's Most Wanted Tour.
it was hype, no thanks to young jeezy *no disrespect, but i just don't bang with his music on the regular.
and uhhh, the PERSON I PAID SIXTY DOLLARS TO SEE failed to enter the building due to a torn ACl. yes, i am talking about Drake. boo hoo, i'll catch him next time i guess.


so i have come to the sad conclusion that i think way too much. i mean, thinking is good. but at times, like now, i overanalyze things . .

i came across this quote today on my friend Jessie's myspace:

Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

so i'm sitting here like . . DAMN. that's so true and applies to me right now . .

*NOTE;this applies to more than it seems.
so i've decided that all of you worthless priorities will soon become options because i realize now that that's all i am and will ever be to you.
i hate getting my hopes up, saying to myself this is the day, when really it's just like every other pointless day i spend waiting on you.
i kept my hopes up telling myself that it WOULD be sooner than later and that i didn't need no one else, but it's obvious that i was on some other shit when i said that.
don't get me wrong, i'm not saying goodbye, you are the weakest link . .
but i AM saying that i aint a doll and this aint a dollhouse. i won't ALWAYS be here like a barbie when you actually WANT to play.



so i will leave you with this. [fast forward to 1:00]

"i aint a doll; i'll never be made of plastic. so glad that my heart's elastic . . "

icantwaittohateyou.

"i'm gonna cut your dick off and send it to her in the mail."

funniest thing i've said today - no lie. lol and i was serious too.

well, i haven't blogged in a minute but i have a lot on my mind now so . .

i just don't care anymore. and i am so serious when i say that.
i don't know if this is the right thing to do, but i'm done. i have never in life let myself be so vulnerable . . never. and the people that know me the best know that i HATE being vulnerable . . so i never put myself into vulnerable situations. but this time . . it was different.

or so i thought.

eh, it's whatever. as Kelly would say, "i refuse to be concerned." but the fact of the matter is that i am concerned, and as much as you guys tell me not to be . . i just am.
*speaking of you guys, i need to thank you. like seriously.

• torrie, firstly and foremost; you were there when i needed you . . the first one i turned to. i love you.
• hollie; wowww, i've never talked to you so deeply about anything. i realize now that you are a good friend. always there when needed (:
• shamia; you are kinda triff lol . . but still. thank you.
• alexis; omgggg. chick, you are one of the best friends i could ask for. you have helped me through a lot recently. i love you.
• jae; ahahahaha, you are too funny. but i think you were right . . about what you said today. thank you.
• jessie; you're never too far away to hear me out. i love you. (:

i have more to say, but i refuse to say it to everyone on blogger. this shit is ridiculous. i will NEVER let myself feel this again. even if that means shutting down anyone who threatens to take my heart . . i'm not the mushy lovey dovey type . . but that's some real ish from the heart.

haveyouever.

felt the need to just write but you don't know what to write ?
well, that's how i'm feeling.
right now i feel kinda crappy . . ehh. my head hurts && i can't get this damn song outta my head, although i wish so badly that i could.

if i keep myself occupied, then i won't think about it.

like hell if that will work.
whatever.

i'm about to head out to practice in a bit. the only thing to be happy about with that is that i get to see the ppl who will make me laugh no matter what . . lol, mikko. they're always sayin sumthin stupid or the other that will put a smile on my face. ooo, && the football players. most likely they will be out there . . meaning i'll see sunshine. ahaha, that reminds me . . i need to slap him when i see him. ehh, random.

dunno about after practice is over. i'll prob just sit around && write or something. maybe talk to alex if she's available, see what's up with her.

*shoutout to alex. she's been a great help to me lately. (: she's like my twin . . only a year older && she lives a few states away from me. lmfao. ahaha, ily chica.

tomorrow . . ? idk. hopefully i'll make some plans cuz i don't wanna sit in the house.

i'm happy that kelly, jessie, and torrie are coming back. right now i need someone to talk to && either of those three would do it. listen to me, i mean.

they really do seem to understand. but as of now, i'll resort to pen && paper because nobody else seems to be around.

tacobell.

is the shittt.
so are these fruitista freezes or whateverr.

ummm, lmfao i look orange . . && i was bored && wanted to show you guys my love for taco bell. smh at the chris brown poster in the background. i really need to redecorate . .

i just got home.
today wasn't the day that i thought it would be, but it turned out alright nonetheless.
was supposed to go to the mall . . but ppl bailed. i hate it when ppl do dumb shit like that. but whatever. another friend asked me to go sumwhere, but by that time, i was already out with my mom, trying to get some books for my summer reading lists.
soo, we went to walmart . . no luck there.

*;speaking of walmart, do you have a walmart in your area that is just TRULY ghetto ? i do. when you walk in there it's just like . . a WHOLE different atmosphere. i hate it.

so then we tried books a million. they had all of the books i needed, however, i only got one: Catcher In The Rye. i was pissed bc the book didn't even have an overview . . so it'd better be entertaining. i saw this other book, Push, which is also a new movie called Precious that's coming out soon. i've been meaning to get that, but my mother was being cheap && wouldn't buy it, which reminds me:

I NEED A JOB.

anywhoo, so then we went to tacobell && now i'm home.

that was an overview of my day. how was yours ?

don'tyouhateitwhen

people reply with one word answers ?
like, where can a conversation get with that ?
-"my dog died today" "oh." -"and so i was like . . and she was like . . and we started laughing." "wow."

i dunno about you guys, but when somebody constantly does that, i get the feeling that they aren't interested && i just stop talking to them. i usually do the one word thing when i just don't care about what a person is saying. hmm . .

i had to get up early today *ughh* because maintenance had to be done in the apartmentt.
that's really not a good thing for me seeing that i was up until like three on the phone with deeedeee && dev dev && texting warwar till like threethirty or sumthin. ughh, i'm stupid for only getting like four or five hours of sleep. but im not sleepy anymoree.

i went to the boys && girls club a few days ago. i haven't been back there in YEARS, but it feels like i pretty much grew up there. seeing miss tee was the best. her and mr. mark && all of them remembered me *how could they forget !*. she told me to come back this summer to volunteer . . i asked if they were hiring, but they aren't ):. mann, i'm looking for a job too && how better to work than at a place where i KNOW i'll have fun && i know the employer ? ahah (: but i think i'll use volunteering there as a way to earn my CAS hours next summer for IB.

soo, last weekend i went to mik's house with shamia. we had too much funn. since none of us are legally whipping, we had to walk unless offerred a ride by her parents. but it was cool, cuz the mall was right across the street.
* somebody please tell me why older guys are always trying to hit on younger girls ?! . . okay i think we all know the answer to that . . but really tho, it's kinda sad if you're over your mid twenties tryin to get with a girl in highschool.
but we were getting looked up && down by all of em. can't say i didn't like the attention, but it was kinda annoying at the same time.

*random- mikko thinks i'm immature or childlike in a sense because i don't wanna give older guys the time of day. but i think she's a dumbass for talking to all of these creeps the way she does. i mean, if i met a cute, nice older guy who had a lot of sincerity, i might think differently, but i doubt i ever will talk to an older guy like that. that's just not me.

but here are a few pictures that i've taken recently . .

allofthethingsishouldhavesaidthisweek.

i saw this on some site.
thought i'd try it out; i just might end up posting one ever week or so.

*it's really hard to do this && not get it confused with my thewayYOUmakemefeel's because they are so much alike !

All Of The Things I Should Have Said This Week

1. i miss you.


2. hi, my name is jada . . but i'm pretty sure you already knew that. -smiles-


3. you are the biggest bitch i've ever met.


4. what the hell are you starin at ?


5. i really like it when you do that.


6. i really hate it when you do that.


7. you sound like a whore . . oh, and you look like one too.


8. seeing you with her disgusts me . . i think im gonna puke. excuse me for a sec.


9. are you doing this on purpose ?


10. so, umm. i heard you wanted to talk to me ?


11. you're so fake.


12. you call yourselves best friends ? ha, yeah. okay.


13. as much as you think you aren't a bad person, you really are.


14. is this really how you want things to be ?


15. so if i said [insert here], would that change things at all ?


16. even though we're kinda distant right now, i hope you have a great summer.


17. i could fcking slap you right now. do you even know what it means to back the hell off of somebody's potential ? no, you don't. but i bet you wouldn't like it if i started to be all over - - - - - - -, now would you ? we'll see about that.


18. don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe.


19. skinny bitches can't be trusted.


20. i try so hard to like you, and fail everytime.

&& there's more where that came from.

randomshit.

i haven't blogged in forever !
part of that is due to the fact that my laptop's charger is broken && i need a new onee.
so i only get on the PC at school or when i use the desktop at home, which i am starting to do more.

i'm currently at home, babysitting my little cousin, doing world history && health HW, and on myspacee. i'd rather be at fort fun with leah && chante, but i gotta learn to prioritizee.
later on, i'll go to my grandma's house to eat dinner, then probably do MORE HW.
ughh, i hate HW && im soo ready for the summer time.

for one, there's way too much drama going on, ESPECIALLY [of all times] at the end of the year . . like WTF ?
hopefully, all of this mess will blow over by the time the new year starts.

i made the final decision that i won't be playing volleyball this fall. instead, i'm gonna co-manage the team && do scorekeeping at the games.

this blogg is all over the place right now, but i just have a lot of things i wanna talk about . .

don't you hate when you finally get over sumthing . .
but then it just pops bac up, && you can't get that sumthing off of your mind FOR THE SECOND TIME ?
i'm going through a little bit of that right now, but i don't think i'll be paranoid about it for long. i mean, i will always wonder what if . . && maybe this . . but i'll be okay, i think.

sidenote; i think i've played Come On by Asia Cruise like fifteen times in the past hourr.
ooo, Love && Basketball is coming on soon ! [my fave movie everr]

just a final thought . .
URtriflinif..you are Consistantly lying. Always up to no good. Sneaky. Suspect. Whorish. Always scheming. Conniving. (Should never be trusted)
courtesy of shamia (:

substitute teachers are the bestt.

stole this from deanna. lmfao, mann i swear this dudes voice was mad annoying.
im sittin there lookin all clueless && whatnot.
but this is from a few months ago.

that'swhatyougetwhenyouletyourheartwin.

so this weekend was okay.

not boring, but not hoorah hoorah either.

FRIDAY
- - went to jae's game with kelly. i had fun, no credit due to the actual basketball game, but talking to kelly is what really made it interesting. i discovered some new things that i hadn't known before && it made me think about it pretty much all weekend. but i kinda decided that words don't mean a thing if you can't back your actions up with it, so to the person that i am referring to youcanstillleave because you say one thing but turn around and do the complete opposite. ooo yeah, two can surely play that game.

SATURDAY
- - i thought i was going to the mall, but instead i went to ruby tuesday with mi madre && then to visit my godmother's mother, my godbrother, godsister, && her baby. he is SOOOO cute ! like seriously, just adorable. i'll post pictures one day.

SUNDAY
- - went to busch with kelly, jessie, && erin. i feel like i haven't hung out with erin in ages, it was nice to be with her. sadly, we didn't make any new "friends" but we did see a couple of ppl that we would have liked to befriendd. aha. it started raining && even tho it stopped a little, we left busch garden's early && went to jessie's house. we didn't stay at her house long bc we went to jae's which was interesting bc i realized that jaelynn runs like a crackhead ! lmfao omgg you had to see herr ! but we all got tired of being eaten up by mosquitos so kelly's dad came to get us && we all went home. [that had to be the best day of my weekend]

MONDAY
- - blahhh. woke up around noon && went to my grandma's to eatt. saw the fam [aunt, grandparents, cousin] then left around fivee. now im homee typing this (:



oo yeah; my first vlogg got some good feedback ! maybe i'll make more videos (:

P.S.; it amazes me how i have 30 followers && barely any commenters. =|

mayfourteenth.

So today i took my AP test. That mess was long but not really hard as long as 
you kno your stuff . . . too bad i dont kno my stuff that well . . Aha. 
But yeahh, i took it but i dont think i did too well. Thats okayy bc this is my 
guinea pig year.

Soo i think im dealing with sum twofaced bitchess . . And thats sumthing that i 
genuinely dislike with a passion. But it's okayy because every once in a while 
we need to see people behaving out of character so we can decide for ourselves 
where their loyalty really lies. The friendship(s) that im referring to will 
remain the way they are, but pretty much all trust is gone. I'm not gonna go 
into detail about who or what i am talking about because that would just be 
unnecessary and triflin . . . But now i kno who i can really trust. That 
situation itself ? Well im not concerned about it; it's just really sumthin that 
you can think you have sumone figured out, but then sumthing else tells 
you another side of them is still hidding under the first layer. Well, that's 
life for ya . . .

So what else neww is going on with me ? Nothin really. Bac to the same ol same 
ol, it seems. School is almost out and im SOOO happy for that. i'm even ready 
for a new year to start, but i still have to decide if i'm gonna play volleyball 
this fall. i'm not sure what im gonna do, i may end up just not trying out and 
settling for the manager's position. That really doesn't sound like a bad idea 
right now. I dont have nuch longer to decide; tryouts are in august, but we will 
see.  

question;

am i REALLY that untrustworthy ?

i'm really not understanding why certain people feel like if they tell me sumthin, i'm gonna go && tell the ppl that are closest to me.
like seriously ? i barely tell her anything cuz i think she's gonna go && tell her && maybe her. so why even waste my secrets && breath?


so what, it happened ONE time ?
give me a BREAK.
i'm so done with this bullshit - not stressin it anymore because really ? i don't think it's worth it. thought we were gettin sumwhere, but NO. i thought wrong.

i honestly think that i'm gonna end up marrying myself, having sex with myself, && just loving MYSELF because ppl annoy me THAT much.
i feel misunderstood . . TO THE FULLEST.
i feel as tho i can't be trusted && i can trust NO-ONE.
&& i have every reason to feel that way too.
so you can't tell me that i'm blowing this outta proportion.

if you really can't trust me THAT MUCH, then that's fine.
i'm not gonna beg for your loyalty.

then there's the chick that thinks she's just ALL THAT.
it's like she walks around singin to herself, like, "aint i, aint i, aint i, AINT I?"
NO. you aren't. but it's all good.
not even gonna call you out on that one, cuz it's not worth it.
just 'laughing my ass off' bc all of the things you assure yourself are probably FAR from the truth.

i'm just sayin;
certain things && people are slowly starting to lose my interest && attention because it's obvious that they just aren't in my range anymore.
not tryna make any decisions too qucikly tho . . . just kno that it's been on my mind.

sojada, how'slifetreatinya ?

i don't appreciate people ignorin my phone calls. nor do i like it when stupid whores try to act sum type of way, like they're all superior && whatnot.
ughh, whatever - dumb bitches.
this is why i blog - people in their actuality piss the heck outta me !

anyway;
i feel a headache coming along. && i really need to start on this reading for english so i can watch MAKING THE BAND 4 tonight ! this should be good. i already know danity kane is gonna get back together . . yadda yadda ya.

tomorrow night i should be going to the movies with my mainss ! Obsessed would be the flick we're gonna see. idk . . but Beyonce is not that strong of an actress to me. i LUVV her, but i have to admit that. well, i guess this movie will either confirm my thoughts or prove me wrong. whatever.

i meant to do a whole separate blog on this but i never got around to it . . but;
last week, friday [i think ?] was the National Day of Silence. a LOT of my friends and i went silent for the whole SCHOOL DAY as an attempt to get people to notice the struggles of LGBT [lesbians, gays, bisexuals, && transgendered]. i'm proud to say that it was a success && i'm proud of myself for doing it !

life ? is not great but it isn't bad.
i think i'm startin to feel sum type of way again . . you kno, the type of way where i feel the need to knock down any bitch in my way . . i really can't help it && i'm not gonna hold back anymore; sumtimes people just need to hear it.
then there's the other partt where im about to say 'fck it, just let it go' to a certain sitch. because i'm really not sure if it's worth my time anymore. i mean, i kno it is && if i stick around for it i might end up in a great position but i don't know how willing i am to go that extra mile which might affect others as well. but really tho, i'd be lame && STUPID for not pursuing this . . ughh, whatever. we'll see what happens . . most likely, at this point nothing will happen.

i've noticed that one day i come home feeling on top of the world && others i feel like crap . . . it's like there's sum sort of on/off button for my happiness. i just wish i had the remote control so i could decide what button to press.

freshh;likesundaymornin.(:

SPRING BREAK !

- - has officially started.
(:

yesterday was funn;
1) spent the the first part of my day doing absolutely NOTHIN.
2) then shamia came over; we went outside, saw a few goons that really had no business showin themselves to the public, got honked at by a few old men (can you say disgustingg ?!|, && played sum volleyball (cuz yall kno i gotta get my skills bac by June if i'm tryin to play this fall !|.
3) me && shamia went to see taylor play jae && diana's AAU basketball team. that was hella fun; SOOO many dudes there . . all athletes of course, cuz this was at boo williams. && i kno i almost passed out a few times bc emmm . . ahaha, but enough of that.

today was pretty chill.
did nothin all day except went to my grandma's house to eat the usual Sunday dinner.

OHMAHGAH !
why is this annoyin dude textin me ?!
yall, i think i got a stalker on my hands.
he won't leave me alone ! everybody, including myself, keeps tellin him "SHE DON'T LIKE YOU !" but, apparently, he does not kno the meaning of that.
&& i won't even tell yall how he got my phone number bc that will just piss me off all the more.
&& to think i was having a great day until just now . .
smdh.

anywhoo . . here's sum pics to entertain your minds. (:

summer;whereyouat ?

currently blastin'; Get Me Bodied Remix by Beyonce

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

it's a beautiful day outside; warm weather, sun is shinnin oo-so-bright ! just lovely.

i'm so ready for spring break; but more than that, i'm ready for the summer ! i can't wait for the warm weather EVERYDAY, swimming pools, capris && shorts, this so called 'kickback' Deanna && Ajee are planning, going to Busch Gardens every other weekend, getting a job [because lord knos i wouldn't be able to keep up with school && a job at the same time !], more free time to pick my story back up && write better than ever, perhaps a vacation, && just FREEDOM !
aha. i want this summer to hurry up && come so i can GET OUT of school.

- - speaking of school, i haven't thought much about college - until now, that is. the University of Miami has been reaching out to me for some time && i just recently checked them out. it seems to be a good institution && i've ALWAYS wanted to go to Miami . . . but idk, a college in VA seems more appropriate bc VA does have some pretty good colleges . . but idk. i have some time to decide that, but it's good that i have at least one college in mind.

. . . it's so hot outside that it's burnin up in this house !
lolz, but i'm about to go eat dinner at my grandma's house so this is the endd. might be back later, who knos ?
(:

put sum positivity in ya life.

sooo lately, i've been pissed off and annoyed with people and the world in general. honestly, i really can't help it . . i'm not the type to sugarcoat many things or hold my tongue. i'll tell you how i feel, straight up && i usually don't feel bad about it.

but instead of ranting && dwelling on the bad, i've decided to try and list some of the good && the things that make me happy.

1] music.
- ahhh. music is thee PERFECT getaway. i can listen to music to escape sound, let my mind wander to whereever the song takes me, or just . . because ! ahhhh. it's just the perfect everything.
i even have my own little jukebox inside my head . . lmfao. ask my friends . . they think im crazy for it tho, but i can't help it.

2] laughing.
- i absolutely LUVV to laugh. if sumbody can make me laugh for good reasons then i kno that we can hang. i think that laughing is a GREAT way to relieve stress. i laugh alot. in fact, i'm the type of person to just start laughing outta the middle of nowhere, usually over sumthing that happened the day before, or maybe even a year ago. either way, a laugh is a laugh, so make me laugh sumtime, okayy ?

3] being out with my friends.
- whenever i'm out with my friends, i feel GOOD. i feel like nothing can go wrong && i kno that the night will be full of laughs [bc i luvv laughing, aha].

4] warm weather && sunny days.
- AHHH ! i cannot WAIT for it to get warmer outside ! cold && wet weather is rather annoying when it occurs ALL THE TIME ! like now, i'm in a GREAT mood because the sun is shining through my window like it hasn't in a very long time. ahhh, i just cannot wait for the summer time !; busch gardens, late nights, sleeping in ! omg, i can just feel it noww ! (:

5] strawberries.
- lolz, random, i knoo. but i do luvv strawberries. especially when they're sprinkled with sugar && chilled in the fridge for an hour or twoo . . YUMM.

6] family gatherings.
- i miss the good old days when my NC fam would always come up to VA for Christmas && Thanksgiving && everything. now it feels like i never get to see them. or how my aunt && cousin would come to Sunday dinner EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY . . they rarely do anymore. i also miss the days when my grandparents threw a backyard cookout EVERY summer . . i used to luvv those. [aww shucks, im getting sad]. but yeahh, they haven't done that in sum years && i wonder if they ever will again . . ANYWHOOO [bac on a happy note (:], family gatherings usually make me happy.

7] shopping.
- i luvv shopping ! i just luvv getting new stuff to wear pretty much. shopping = luvv.

8] my online friends.
- i also see this/them as a getaway method. it's like, with my online friends, it's a whole different world. i think of them just as i think of the friends i have in real life. i genuinely care for sum of them, && then there are the others that are just like everyday people that you pass by on the street. i've known sum of them for as long as like three or four years . . the ones that mean the most to me . . well i kinda lost contact with sum of them bc our virtual getaway closed down . . but the two [actually like three] that really matter the most to me ? we still keep in touch. && sumtimes it's strange because we get mad && argue just as couple of real life friends would do . . but usually we patch things up. in the future, i wouldn't mind actually meeting them; && hey, who knos ? we could all go to the same college or sum crazy ishh like that one day lolz. i hope they realize how much they mean to me, because if we ever just stopped talking && seriously lost contact idk what i'd do because they play a role in my life just like anybody else.
if they ever read this, well, ily guys (:


that's all that i can think of right now.
i'll probably think of more later, && if so, i'll post em up ! (:

todayy.

was blahh.
mega tired right now && i barely made it through Quarantine . . actually, i did doze off a couple of times, but i was awake for the HILARIOUS parts.
ahaha.
im so serious, the movie is FUNNY ! it's supposed to be scary or whatever, but after seeing it twice, i can say i laughed frequently throughout it both times.

i'm listenin to The-Dream's new CD, Love v. Money, and i like SOME of what i hear. i mean, in general, it's okayy, but nothin i would put on my MP3 player and listen to frequently. so far, my faves are . .
- Rockin That Thang
- Sweat It Out
- My Love
- Put It Down
- Right Side Of My Brain - - still debatin on this one; either i REALLY like it, or i find it REALLY weird. i think i like it . . . the lyrics are . . . idk. intriguing in a sense with the way he sings them.
i haven't gotten that far into it. but the sad truth is that; Dream is not much of a singer. i mean, his music is bombb, lyrics ? on point in a weirdish way but as far as singing capabilities ? he's aiiiighttt, but not a Luther Vandross or even Chris Brown. don't get me wrong cuz i luvv most of what he's put out, but i'm just statin the facts. i can say that his voice is soothing tho. especially on that track Right Side Of My Brain.

uhhmmm. what's sumthin that's bothering me right now ?
a few things . . a few of which, i do NOT care to mention on here.
but let's see; just gonna say sum random ishh . .

ever felt like you were invisible ?
not necessarily invisible, but not quite noticed by the ones who matter at the moment.
let's put it like this; you're a star in the sky.
every star has its own shine, correct ? well, you feel on top of the world [ahaha, technically, being a star, you are on top of the world], && you're just a'twinklin away one night, but then this other star, on the opposite side of the universe or whatev is just a'twinklin away too.
but it's not that that makes you feel like your light doesn't shine as bright; it's the fact that they do it seemingly to shine brighter than you.
you catch my drift ? if not, then too bad; i'm not putting it into literal terms.

well, sum of these stars around my way can go SITDOWNN cuz it's startin to piss me off. you don't need to wave your ass in the air all the time to get ppl to pay attention to you. like seriously ? justLEAVE. && ppl wonder why i like being alone so much . . CUZ PPL ANNOY ME ! that's why whenever i REALLY need to vent, i turn to my blogg or my journal. talking to ppl about the real deal is a last resort bc . . like i said, ppl annoy me [a lot].

moving on . .
i don't think i get as much sleep as i really need.
on normal week days, i go to sleep around 12, maybe later, && i gotta get up at at least 6.
now that is HORRBILE.
sadly, my body has become quite used to it, but it is slowly catching up to me.
i felt like i haven't had a full night's sleep in weeks, but yet i keep going.
one day, i'm just going to fall out, i think.
i could make it to bed earlier but it feels as tho i have just lost ALL self discipline; i wait until like 8 or 9 to start my HW, which usually takes hours, because I HAVE NO SELF DISCIPLINE. then, when i have no homework or finish early, i stay up, usually on the PC doing whatever, so i still only get the minimum amount of hours i could get for sleep.
&& these GODDERN headaches ! whyy ? whyy do i always get a headache ? in fact, i have one now !

ahhh, i'm hungry but it's too late to eat forreal.
plus i think im gonna go to sleep before i lose my sanity.

thxx for reading.
(:

don't you hate it when

people rush you off the phone ?
like, wtf ?
yeah, i kno. why the heck is she bloggin about this ? well, it was just an annoyance of mine at the time of writing.

*; no need to be rude with it. if you gotta go, you gotta go, but don't catch an attitude with me bc i'll tell you about yerself.

*; if i'm talking to you about sumthin important [ESPECIALLY, if i'm talkin to you about sumthin important], DON'T RUSH ME OFF THE FCKIN PHONE. then i hate it when they be like "blahblahblahblahblah, but i'm on the phone with [insert name here] so i'll talk to you later"
it's like, "BITCH, I DON'T NEED TO KNO WHO'S ON YOUR OTHER LINE ! OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT, SO [said person] CUH LEAVE."

- when ppl tell me who's on there other line, i usually figure that they want me to kno for a reason, or to make themselves seems important, y'kno ?
like say you call your ex up . . you could just wanna talk, maybe patch things up, or see if there's any room for friendship there . . and he's like "oh hey, i can't talk right now, Nesha's on my other line," KNO'n good && well that Nesha was the jump off that broke yall up.

this brings me to my next topic . .

[don't u hate it when . . ]
people purposely throw stuff in your face knowing it's gonna affect you in a negative way ?
to me, that's one of the lowest things you can do.
sadly, i have alot of friends that enjoy doing that. deliberately ? most likely, but all i kno is that they've been doing it for as long as i can remember, but honestly, i think it's because they are insecure && unsatisfied with themselves.
i can't really think any good examples . . but it's really evident when they are doing it && when their enthusiasm is genuine.
likeee, they have that i told you so attitude or they're just that much of a bxtch . . .


sumthin else that annoys me to the extreme is when ppl put themselves down to get compliments . .
like wtf ?
please show at least A LITTLE self respect !
if you don't respect yourself && what you have to offer then who will ?
i sure as heck won't. i mean, there are the ppl who TRULY believe that they are "fat" or "ugly" or just plain "unloved", && i would be glad to tell you that you aren't.
but then there are the others that do this periodically, just to get attention.

"oh, i'm never wanted" or "i'm too fat for anybody to ever see anything in me" - - i'm just gonna be like, "you're right. you'll never amount to anything because you're such an ASS to YOURSELF !"
i'm just like, over being the nice person in everything.
well, i've never been called the nicest person in any group, but im done with trying to be there for the people who don't deserve it. in a way, this has nothing to do with the above statements, but in a way, it does.
. . . don't ask.


Moral of the story ?;

only jackasses rush ppl off the phone, brag about stuff to make their 'friends' or even acquaintances feel bad, && make themselves into a menial being.