fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.

icantwaittohateyou.

"i'm gonna cut your dick off and send it to her in the mail."

funniest thing i've said today - no lie. lol and i was serious too.

well, i haven't blogged in a minute but i have a lot on my mind now so . .

i just don't care anymore. and i am so serious when i say that.
i don't know if this is the right thing to do, but i'm done. i have never in life let myself be so vulnerable . . never. and the people that know me the best know that i HATE being vulnerable . . so i never put myself into vulnerable situations. but this time . . it was different.

or so i thought.

eh, it's whatever. as Kelly would say, "i refuse to be concerned." but the fact of the matter is that i am concerned, and as much as you guys tell me not to be . . i just am.
*speaking of you guys, i need to thank you. like seriously.

• torrie, firstly and foremost; you were there when i needed you . . the first one i turned to. i love you.
• hollie; wowww, i've never talked to you so deeply about anything. i realize now that you are a good friend. always there when needed (:
• shamia; you are kinda triff lol . . but still. thank you.
• alexis; omgggg. chick, you are one of the best friends i could ask for. you have helped me through a lot recently. i love you.
• jae; ahahahaha, you are too funny. but i think you were right . . about what you said today. thank you.
• jessie; you're never too far away to hear me out. i love you. (:

i have more to say, but i refuse to say it to everyone on blogger. this shit is ridiculous. i will NEVER let myself feel this again. even if that means shutting down anyone who threatens to take my heart . . i'm not the mushy lovey dovey type . . but that's some real ish from the heart.

don'tyouhate.

people who only talk to you for one reason . . once they get their answer or whatever they leave like it's nothin.
or even those who talk you up just to find information . . they don't really care about you, they're doing it for their own selfish reasons.

dirtyasslookindudes that try to holla when they are NOWHERE NEAR your level.
they don't even have to be dirty . . just annoying as hell. if i said no once, i'll say no twice.

JOCKS ? i mean, DANG, can i get my personality back ?

i see a lot of people taking my YOU idea && other writing ideas i have . . ughh that really bothers me. i understand you like the idea, but really ? i just don't like being imitated in any form. writing is my only personal escape && when that's copied it just seriously bothers me. && then artist obsessions . . after one person goes crazy over an artist, usually undiscovered, i see other people adding shit to their myspaces like they've been fans for forever. seriously ? girl, BOO.

when you can't find a song on the internet or on limewire that you're DYING to add to your mp3 player ?

ughh. that's happening to me at this very moment.

when things aren't as simple as you wish they were OR when something you thought was simple turns into this big ball of confusion ?

just gotta accept the fact that life isn't like burger king; you can't ALWAYS have it how you want it, when you it, && just plain YOUR WAY.


that was my little iRant for the moment . . haven't really ranted in a while.

WTF.

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.

that just further proved my previous assumptions that i can no longer tell anyfuckingbody anything. going to people to just listen to my thoughts is no longer an option. your dumbass comment has just confirmed my thoughts: i can't tell anybody anything because they either;

1] only care about their own problems
2] tell me to build a fucking bridge && get over it - - - but everything is not that easy, trust me
3] are complete assholes && don't derserve to be trusted in the first place.

telling me to get over "it" is really not a good idea IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT !
like WTFFF ? did i ever tell you to fucking get over you problems when you were stuck on him && couldn't get over it ?
NO.
because i KNOW it's not that easy && even though hearing his name every other minute is quite annoying, i wouldn't say "let the past be the past && get over it" because i'm a good friend. && i'd be there for you through whatever you were going through, whether you just needed me to listen or whatever. sure, there's a certain point where you need to let go, but with you having NO knowledge of what it is that i am going through, i'd really like for you to go sit the fuck down. it'd be totally different if i had ever actually talked to you about it.

no, don't think i'm bitching, because i'm not. i'm just fed up with the ignorance that surrounds me. i was just starting to calm down about the things that are happening with && around me, but this just heated me up even more.
this summer will be very good for me for that EXACT reason.
i don't want to lose any of my friends . . && this is exactly what i was afraid of:

another ignorant comment . . another bitchy response . . another friend lost.

i knew the bomb would go off soon.
time to let the fire sizzle down.

ijustneedtogetaway.

MY STOMACH HURTS AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS NEGATIVE THINGS.

i feel like there's a LOT of twofaced people around me;
- people who say things && stop talking about them when you come around
- just bitches who don't know a good friend from a bad one
- etc etc etc.

my back hurts, i'm aching, && my uterus is falling.
* yes, it's that time. && i'm feeling really shitty. hormones or not, nothing seems to be going right.
it feels like nothing anybody says is positive - i only look at the negative && take that to the heart.
nobody seems to care anymore, so i just won't tell them shit && let them wonder what is wrong with me. it's not like anybody notices anyway because they're too busy worrying about their damn selves.

i'm so happy the year is ending. i need a break from everything && everybody. i just need time to think.
because if i don't get myself straight, i'm gonna lose a lot of good friends. so i'll just get my mindset correct before i try to help anyone else out.

i'm in a situation.

why don't you just do it ?

because i'm not you;
i need to work at my own pace && speed, so stop fucking rushing me. obviously i can't go to anybody to talk. how come when i wanna talk about my problems it's not a big fucking deal ? that's exactly why i fucking hate people && i am going to go back to being an introvert again.
don't tell me to fucking suck it up. even though you don't say those exact things, that's what the message is.

you people [yes, i said you people] think everything is good && gravy, but you have no idea what goes on behind the scenes.
ooooo, if you knew . . if only you knew.
but you dont.
because, once again, i can't tell people shit because the whole human race is full of idiots who only seem to worry && care about themselves.

*word of advice; you should really think about the things you say before you say them.

- a lot of things people say lately bother me, but i don't say anything. we already have enough drama, so i figure, why start anymore. but i'm tired of letting the little things slide, because obviously it's built up into this huge ball && now i'm just pissed the hell off. about nothing at all.

well, it's actually something && everything, at that.

i've been trying for the longest time to shrug it off like it's nothing.
i say it doesn't bother me but it does.
i wish i didn't care but i do.
i hate that i care because it makes me feel like shit.
feeling like shit only makes things worse because i dont know what to do.
when i dont know what to do, i'd like to talk to somebody who does know what to do.
but i've lost even that option . .

so what do i turn to now ?

DONE.

remember when i posted that blog about being DONE with it && the revelation ?

well, i think it's time that it comes to life.

the BULLSHIT is unecessary && it can really LEAVE.
i'm tired tired TIRED of trying && yet recieving nothing in return - no respect, no thanks, no NOTIHN. sick of it.

if you have sumthin that you deem necessary to say, then i'm all ears.
but don't try to say it on sum sly shiii like over myspace, through text, to sumbody else - NO.
say it to ME.

all i kno is that if i find you're not worth my time anymore, i probably won't give you the attention that i used to.
i've tried && TRIED . . && even after the whole revelation, STILL tried. obviously, it's just not gonna work.


SORRY.
actually, i'm not.




(:
that felt good.

question;

am i REALLY that untrustworthy ?

i'm really not understanding why certain people feel like if they tell me sumthin, i'm gonna go && tell the ppl that are closest to me.
like seriously ? i barely tell her anything cuz i think she's gonna go && tell her && maybe her. so why even waste my secrets && breath?


so what, it happened ONE time ?
give me a BREAK.
i'm so done with this bullshit - not stressin it anymore because really ? i don't think it's worth it. thought we were gettin sumwhere, but NO. i thought wrong.

i honestly think that i'm gonna end up marrying myself, having sex with myself, && just loving MYSELF because ppl annoy me THAT much.
i feel misunderstood . . TO THE FULLEST.
i feel as tho i can't be trusted && i can trust NO-ONE.
&& i have every reason to feel that way too.
so you can't tell me that i'm blowing this outta proportion.

if you really can't trust me THAT MUCH, then that's fine.
i'm not gonna beg for your loyalty.

then there's the chick that thinks she's just ALL THAT.
it's like she walks around singin to herself, like, "aint i, aint i, aint i, AINT I?"
NO. you aren't. but it's all good.
not even gonna call you out on that one, cuz it's not worth it.
just 'laughing my ass off' bc all of the things you assure yourself are probably FAR from the truth.

i'm just sayin;
certain things && people are slowly starting to lose my interest && attention because it's obvious that they just aren't in my range anymore.
not tryna make any decisions too qucikly tho . . . just kno that it's been on my mind.