itsbeenaminute.

since i've really blogged.
i have more stuff coming.
promise.
lot's of drafts typed up that i never felt like i needed to share with the world.
and more in the process.

shit's changing lately . . trust and believe you all will be hearing about that.
but ta ta for now . .

sorry.

FOR ANYONE

who has been put into compromising positions in either friendships, relationships, and any other personal problems. but most of all, for MYSELF.

i'm sorry that i can't be you picture perfect girl; i am not the epitome of perfection, nor will i ever be. i'm sorry that i can't be happy when you want me to be; as much as i try, my smiles will never be big enough to cover what's lying inside. im sorry that it's always my fault; try as i might, my best will never be good enough for you. i'm sorry that i'm a total bitch; my mood swings may come out of the blue, but sometimes they are necessary. i'm sorry for all of the times i seem "needy"; sometimes all i need is someone to listen to me. i'm sorry that i was never good enough; i strive to see why i can't be your everything, but i have not yet come to a conclusion. i'm sorry that i'm not like her; in my mind i will always be, but to you i NEVER WAS. i'm sorry that i can't get through to you; i really want you to see what i do, but i'm afraid it's too late.
i'm sorry for the times that i become "annoying"; i only want you to want me as much as i need you. i'm sorry for all of the things that i could never be to you; but the thing i'm sorry the most for is being sorry at all.

doingtoomuch.

haven't blogged in a minute.

the last blog i made didn't go through well from my phone, so i'll summarize that.



pretty much, i went to the America's Most Wanted Tour.
it was hype, no thanks to young jeezy *no disrespect, but i just don't bang with his music on the regular.
and uhhh, the PERSON I PAID SIXTY DOLLARS TO SEE failed to enter the building due to a torn ACl. yes, i am talking about Drake. boo hoo, i'll catch him next time i guess.


so i have come to the sad conclusion that i think way too much. i mean, thinking is good. but at times, like now, i overanalyze things . .

i came across this quote today on my friend Jessie's myspace:

Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

so i'm sitting here like . . DAMN. that's so true and applies to me right now . .

*NOTE;this applies to more than it seems.
so i've decided that all of you worthless priorities will soon become options because i realize now that that's all i am and will ever be to you.
i hate getting my hopes up, saying to myself this is the day, when really it's just like every other pointless day i spend waiting on you.
i kept my hopes up telling myself that it WOULD be sooner than later and that i didn't need no one else, but it's obvious that i was on some other shit when i said that.
don't get me wrong, i'm not saying goodbye, you are the weakest link . .
but i AM saying that i aint a doll and this aint a dollhouse. i won't ALWAYS be here like a barbie when you actually WANT to play.



so i will leave you with this. [fast forward to 1:00]

"i aint a doll; i'll never be made of plastic. so glad that my heart's elastic . . "

twitter.

soooo.
i have been using twitter more often.
i made an account a while back, but i haven't been very active.
i will try to get into it . . i have made progress and i know how to work it a little better now. lol.

so follow me if you dare;

http://twitter.com/thisbejadamayne

icantwaittohateyou.

"i'm gonna cut your dick off and send it to her in the mail."

funniest thing i've said today - no lie. lol and i was serious too.

well, i haven't blogged in a minute but i have a lot on my mind now so . .

i just don't care anymore. and i am so serious when i say that.
i don't know if this is the right thing to do, but i'm done. i have never in life let myself be so vulnerable . . never. and the people that know me the best know that i HATE being vulnerable . . so i never put myself into vulnerable situations. but this time . . it was different.

or so i thought.

eh, it's whatever. as Kelly would say, "i refuse to be concerned." but the fact of the matter is that i am concerned, and as much as you guys tell me not to be . . i just am.
*speaking of you guys, i need to thank you. like seriously.

• torrie, firstly and foremost; you were there when i needed you . . the first one i turned to. i love you.
• hollie; wowww, i've never talked to you so deeply about anything. i realize now that you are a good friend. always there when needed (:
• shamia; you are kinda triff lol . . but still. thank you.
• alexis; omgggg. chick, you are one of the best friends i could ask for. you have helped me through a lot recently. i love you.
• jae; ahahahaha, you are too funny. but i think you were right . . about what you said today. thank you.
• jessie; you're never too far away to hear me out. i love you. (:

i have more to say, but i refuse to say it to everyone on blogger. this shit is ridiculous. i will NEVER let myself feel this again. even if that means shutting down anyone who threatens to take my heart . . i'm not the mushy lovey dovey type . . but that's some real ish from the heart.

iloveyou.

well, for the person who is constantly asking me which of the YOUs of my thewayyoumakemefeel's is them . . this is for YOU, if you ever should read it. there should be no doubt in your mind now. at all.


I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop it from hurting any less
when you break my heart into a mess,
as i watch it shatter into a million pieces ?

I LOVE YOU.
but will that make you stop the tease,
if only to please
just me ?

I LOVE YOU.
even when you neglect me,
fail to respect me,
just out of spite.

I LOVE YOU.
but will you take the time to read between
everything i mean
in what i say ?

I LOVE YOU.
still when you become obsessed
with things that should matter less
between us.

I LOVE YOU.
and your silly antics,
because i find them romantic;
they never get old.

I LOVE YOU.
because you're my best friend,
and even managed to win
the key to my heart.

I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop the pain from growing,
my feelings from showing,
what's really on my mind ?

I LOVE YOU.
more and more as the days go by,
and still you wonder why
i love you.

I LOVE YOU.
for reasons that cannot be explained
even when i strain
to decode them.

I LOVE YOU.
even when you don't see
how much you mean to me
and that this is real.

I LOVE YOU.
for who you are.
we've come this far;
there's no turning back.

if anything i want you to promise me,
that even when we disagree,
our relationship falls from the highest of trees,
and lands to our knees
that you will always believe that

I LOVE YOU.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

thoughts ?
PS; don't jock my shit. if you wanna use sumthin, please ask first. thank you.

haveyouever.

felt the need to just write but you don't know what to write ?
well, that's how i'm feeling.
right now i feel kinda crappy . . ehh. my head hurts && i can't get this damn song outta my head, although i wish so badly that i could.

if i keep myself occupied, then i won't think about it.

like hell if that will work.
whatever.

i'm about to head out to practice in a bit. the only thing to be happy about with that is that i get to see the ppl who will make me laugh no matter what . . lol, mikko. they're always sayin sumthin stupid or the other that will put a smile on my face. ooo, && the football players. most likely they will be out there . . meaning i'll see sunshine. ahaha, that reminds me . . i need to slap him when i see him. ehh, random.

dunno about after practice is over. i'll prob just sit around && write or something. maybe talk to alex if she's available, see what's up with her.

*shoutout to alex. she's been a great help to me lately. (: she's like my twin . . only a year older && she lives a few states away from me. lmfao. ahaha, ily chica.

tomorrow . . ? idk. hopefully i'll make some plans cuz i don't wanna sit in the house.

i'm happy that kelly, jessie, and torrie are coming back. right now i need someone to talk to && either of those three would do it. listen to me, i mean.

they really do seem to understand. but as of now, i'll resort to pen && paper because nobody else seems to be around.