thepointofitall. - - thewayYOUmakemefeel.

DAMN.

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong . . .

i miss you.

like hell. and i don't see the fault, the loophole, the crack . . in the foundation that made us. I just don't get it. And it pains me so much because even though you're still there, you're not here: and that's where i need you the most: here.

I can think back to those years ago when it was just me and you, chillin in our little on virtual world. ha. those were the days . . . i miss them. when it wasn't confusing or complicated because it was not even in our restricted vocabulary to express the feelings that you claim to have always had and the feelings that i soon came to develop.

And that day . . . i remember it. when you told me about your problem. never will it leave my memory . . . i've been there by your side ever since, and never will i leave. i promise you that.

I Love You. yes, yes; i know my actions may not support that statement, but i promise you that i will never hurt you like that again. i want to say that i regret it, but i don't. it was a struggle that i went through to learn and a choice that i made because i wanted to. i just regret and hate that you got hurt as a result of it.

you are AMAZING. please don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. because, even if only to me, you are amazing. and i love you. i can't say that enough. you make me smile without even knowing you do. i don't even know where to begin, because there is no beginning or ending to what you mean to me. you're just everything . . . and you probably don't even know i feel this way. but you are my bestfriend. the one that i can talk to about anything and everything, that makes me smile in the saddest of times . . . but lately, i feel like that's been slipping. and i want it back so badly . . . but i dont know if it's just me, going through this depressed "fuck the world" stage, or if this is truly us . . . dying.

i can't stay away from you too long.

even if i do, i'll always call.

checking on you, make sure you're okay,

be the one to brighten up your day.

and the point of it all . . .

is i love you.

i admit:
sometimes this song makes me cry.
and it always makes me think of you.
i love you;
always&forever . . .

fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.

mymaleexcellence.

He is everything. He is courage where there is fear and smiles where there are frowns. His wisdom outweighs the oldest of the old, and his knowledge is equally the same. He is it, that, and everything for me . . . he is. Understanding comes easily to him and he's never too busy to listen. A friend he was at the start, but with effort that became more. Always on call when I need him: my superman. He's my sun through the storm and joy through the pain. To say that I love him would be an understatement. He is . . . my soultwin. The differences between us are plentiful, but the male version of me . . . he is. He gives . . . me reason to smile. Each day, each hour, each minute, every second. I love him . . . and everything that makes him what he is. The good, the bad, even the ugly: I appreciate it all. He tells me his dreams and the inspiration he gives me to pursue my own is amazing. He is . . a lover, but he will fight for what's his until his territory is won. Brilliant, dedicated, committed, in love . . he is.

He is perfection.

He . . . does not exist.

change.

" . . . But i kinda feel as though you have changed-

for the worst. The person i met in *month of *year is not the person i currently see . . . and the person i really miss is the old one. It's weird that i compare you to yourself . . . but when i look at you i see two people - and as crazy as that sounds, it's the truth.

i miss you.

and i want the person that . . . was always there and almost still is . . . back.

but i'm afraid that's damn near impossible."

randomthoughts.

1. "and the award for the best lie goes to you . . for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. let's hear your speech."

2. do i have to spell it out to you ? i'm saying GOODBYE.

3. i WANT you. but wanting you and needing you are two different things. i NEED you. but needing you is a feeling a can't seem to feel the fullness of right now.

4. i don't want you to leave like the others. please don't.

5. i miss you . . so much. so much has changed. i miss the old you.

6. i need a manicure.

7. "he's still. still the man of my dreams. he's still. still the man for me. and i'm still in love with him deep, deeply." he . . is.

8. IBcuhleave. so can homework and freaking projects.

9. yeahhhhbuddie. i can't wait (: till that moment . . when we'll get to do all the things that we promised we would.

10. love has become so common in my brain.

11. the best way to be beautiful is to be beautiful and unaware.

12. i am convinced that you are a joke and i'm just now taking the time to really laugh.

13. missing you is an everyday thing.

14. "such a mystery, when he's here with me . . it's hard to believe i'm still lonely."

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart8.

YOU
are the fucking best ! Seriously, we have gotten SOOOO much closer from last year to this year - more specifically sine the 1st two weeks of school. I LOVE YOU. You have been SOOOO MUCHHH help lately . . . you are always there when I need you and I thank you so much for that. i love you. (:

YOU
have been great to me as well. I thank you for being there when I needed you to talk to, vent, listen, whatever ! You're always there and I know that I can count on you.

YOU
are just . . . amazing. I can honestly say that talking to you is like the best part of my day. I LOVE YOU. Don't you ever think that i don't. Sometimes I wish you weren't so down all the time, but i understand that you honestly cannot help it. The fact that you have been through so much and still endure certain things bothers and saddens me. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I really wish that you could be here so that I could give you everything that nobody ever has. I grow sadder and sadder with everyday that I can't be next to you. I long for the day when you are ready to be by my side in heartbeat . . . I can't wait . . . but i must admit that I am very nervous. We will see how it all plays out when that time comes. I hope it's great . . (:

YOU
make me smile. It seems that we are growing to trust each other more than we ever have. If ever you need a friend, i'm here. Don't hesitate to come to me, because I care. I really do. You have changed so much since I first met you, but at heart, I know you are the same ol' person. (: ily.

YOU
annoy me. Well really, people in general annoy me . . . . but you especially. Your attitude is disgusting and quite frankly, i'm sick of it. I'm just about done.

YOU
have changed me. I can't say that I hate you; it's really hard to explain. I want so badly to be your friend, but it's so hard. I still don't understand a lot of things about us; like why certain things happened, and why others are the way they are now and i will admit that i'm not over it, but i don't think that i will ever be or that i will ever understand. Sometimes I look at you and see something that I've never seen in anybody else. And others I just wish to not look at you. Complicated and confusing, i know. Congratulations, you are the first person to make me feel like i'm not good enough . . I feel like the friendship that we once had is gone . . ruined, to never come back again. I want it to be there . . but i don't think that I can force it. The old days are the ones I miss the most, honestly. I just want the old you back, the old us back. But all I can say is that I hate that I love you. And I will try my best to leave that at that. But I don't think I can.

YOU
are a hoish type of person. You should learn what's yours and stick to it. I don't want what's your's, so i'd appreciate it if you'd stop referring to us as "one." I warned you about certain things, yet you chose not to listen to me. UCUHLEAVE for the moment. Plain and simple.

cry.

dear -,
today, i cried.
as soon as my bag dropped from my shoulder and hit the floor, the door creaked shut, and the shoes came off, the first tear left my face.

it wasn't because of school, or even the stress from practice . .

today, i listened to the full song for the first time in a long time.

it was not easy . . the words, as always made so much sense to me; the situation is the same, never changed: how can one song tell the story of many chapters in a more than eventful book ?

i haven't figured out the answer to that question. it will always be a mystery, but i'm glad that somebody, even if it's just the writer of that particular song, knows how i feel.

i wish you cared.

i wish so badly that it mattered to you enough that you would actually say, "hey, i was wrong. i'm a jerk. i feel like shit." i know it sounds stupid, but i want you to feel the same way i feel.

so i was crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and bitching, and talking to friends, and crying.

but then a girl said: we will get through this together.

and i believe her.