fear.

i've got so much fear in my heart
because i'm scared of rejection.

us together is something that i want more than anything . . .
but i fear:

that it will crash and burn,
and i will slowly learn,
that things like this never work.


i have fear in my heart
because i'm afraid of what i see.

the glare of the screen contrasts with that of my skin;
the texture of my hands to the pad of your ipod
the look of my face to the limit of my avatar.
so, i have fear:

of the way we will greet
when we finally meet
and notice the differences.


i have fear in my heart
because this love is too great for me to handle.

my chest pains from the stress
of this love-filled mess,
and it makes me fear:

the way i will react to you then,
and if i will defend
your actions.

crying oceans of saltwater . . .
i show my fear -
but fear is blind:

to the glare of your screen,
and the pad of your ipod,
and what you are limited to of my avatar.

only when our faces near
will my fear
be both acknowledged,
and released.

distance.

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.


If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemens land.


If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.


But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

If you were coming in the fall by Emily Dickinson

this hits a nerve in my weakness, because it makes me think of you . . .

lovelost.

WHY

are we saying goodbye before we say hi
dying without trying
falling without reason

i'm stalling.
but that's only because this fear in my heart
is too strong to let me move on
to that next step.

and i'm scared.
that we are crashing and burning
and i'm slowly learning
that nothing is ever easy in
love.

i'm nervous.
to find what's behind
the you that i have always known.

the you that i love.
that i've always put above . . .

until now.

i blame this on myself
and nobody else
will ever replace you.

but i should have been thinking when i was wishfully making
that decision.
i should have been trying before we started dying,
but i wasn't.

and it hurts me to say
that the day that we may
end is approaching . . .

or maybe not the end
but just the "begin"
of a very sad process.

and i don't know what to do.
i love you . .
i love you . .
i do.

and it hurts.

not even the tears . . .
not even the people around me . . .
not even myself . . .
understands any of this.

and i hate to say
that i'm slowly starting to
accept this.

but i can't.
and i won't.
because you're my hope,
my joy,
my love.

and i can't lose you.

thewayYOUmakemefeel*special.

the style of your hair,
shape of your eyes and your nose.
the way you stare-
as if you see right through to my soul.
it's your left hand
and the way . . that it's not quite as big as your right.
the way you stand -
in the mirror -
before we go out at night.

our quiet time,

your beautiful mind . . .

everybody's telling me to wait for you to call back.
but i don't ever want another girl to come and get that.
my train of thought is gone and now you're running on the same track.
and now you're leaving me to have to find out where you've been at.

can you tell me where did he go ? . . .

they're all part of the list
of things that i miss,
things like your funny little laugh
or the way you smile -
or the way we kiss.
what i notice is this:
i come up with
something new every single time
that i sit and reminisce.

i'm a mess right now:
out of order,
i'm torn up,
i'm going down.
won't you hold me together:
i'm pouring out.
i need you,

that's . . .

how i feel.



the way your sweet smell
lingers when you leave the room.
stories you tell -
as we lay -
in bed all afternoon.
i dreamed you now,
every night,
and my mind is where we meet.
and when i'm awake
staring at pictures of you asleep.

touching your face

invading your space . . .

i refuse to believe you do
not think of me like i do you.
if i'm right then show me, come through;

cause i've been needing you lately.

people always asking why it's got me wearing all black.
stress done got the best of me - i really need to fall back.
wish i never said that you and me could never go back.
but i just wasn't thinking - can't you see i didn't mean that ?

can you tell where did he go ?

and you live in my memories
forever more,

i swear.

*partofthelist;ne-yo and *wheredidhego;kerihilson.

thepointofitall. - - thewayYOUmakemefeel.

DAMN.

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong . . .

i miss you.

like hell. and i don't see the fault, the loophole, the crack . . in the foundation that made us. I just don't get it. And it pains me so much because even though you're still there, you're not here: and that's where i need you the most: here.

I can think back to those years ago when it was just me and you, chillin in our little on virtual world. ha. those were the days . . . i miss them. when it wasn't confusing or complicated because it was not even in our restricted vocabulary to express the feelings that you claim to have always had and the feelings that i soon came to develop.

And that day . . . i remember it. when you told me about your problem. never will it leave my memory . . . i've been there by your side ever since, and never will i leave. i promise you that.

I Love You. yes, yes; i know my actions may not support that statement, but i promise you that i will never hurt you like that again. i want to say that i regret it, but i don't. it was a struggle that i went through to learn and a choice that i made because i wanted to. i just regret and hate that you got hurt as a result of it.

you are AMAZING. please don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. because, even if only to me, you are amazing. and i love you. i can't say that enough. you make me smile without even knowing you do. i don't even know where to begin, because there is no beginning or ending to what you mean to me. you're just everything . . . and you probably don't even know i feel this way. but you are my bestfriend. the one that i can talk to about anything and everything, that makes me smile in the saddest of times . . . but lately, i feel like that's been slipping. and i want it back so badly . . . but i dont know if it's just me, going through this depressed "fuck the world" stage, or if this is truly us . . . dying.

i can't stay away from you too long.

even if i do, i'll always call.

checking on you, make sure you're okay,

be the one to brighten up your day.

and the point of it all . . .

is i love you.

i admit:
sometimes this song makes me cry.
and it always makes me think of you.
i love you;
always&forever . . .

mymaleexcellence.

He is everything. He is courage where there is fear and smiles where there are frowns. His wisdom outweighs the oldest of the old, and his knowledge is equally the same. He is it, that, and everything for me . . . he is. Understanding comes easily to him and he's never too busy to listen. A friend he was at the start, but with effort that became more. Always on call when I need him: my superman. He's my sun through the storm and joy through the pain. To say that I love him would be an understatement. He is . . . my soultwin. The differences between us are plentiful, but the male version of me . . . he is. He gives . . . me reason to smile. Each day, each hour, each minute, every second. I love him . . . and everything that makes him what he is. The good, the bad, even the ugly: I appreciate it all. He tells me his dreams and the inspiration he gives me to pursue my own is amazing. He is . . a lover, but he will fight for what's his until his territory is won. Brilliant, dedicated, committed, in love . . he is.

He is perfection.

He . . . does not exist.

cry.

dear -,
today, i cried.
as soon as my bag dropped from my shoulder and hit the floor, the door creaked shut, and the shoes came off, the first tear left my face.

it wasn't because of school, or even the stress from practice . .

today, i listened to the full song for the first time in a long time.

it was not easy . . the words, as always made so much sense to me; the situation is the same, never changed: how can one song tell the story of many chapters in a more than eventful book ?

i haven't figured out the answer to that question. it will always be a mystery, but i'm glad that somebody, even if it's just the writer of that particular song, knows how i feel.

i wish you cared.

i wish so badly that it mattered to you enough that you would actually say, "hey, i was wrong. i'm a jerk. i feel like shit." i know it sounds stupid, but i want you to feel the same way i feel.

so i was crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and bitching, and talking to friends, and crying.

but then a girl said: we will get through this together.

and i believe her.

sorry.

FOR ANYONE

who has been put into compromising positions in either friendships, relationships, and any other personal problems. but most of all, for MYSELF.

i'm sorry that i can't be you picture perfect girl; i am not the epitome of perfection, nor will i ever be. i'm sorry that i can't be happy when you want me to be; as much as i try, my smiles will never be big enough to cover what's lying inside. im sorry that it's always my fault; try as i might, my best will never be good enough for you. i'm sorry that i'm a total bitch; my mood swings may come out of the blue, but sometimes they are necessary. i'm sorry for all of the times i seem "needy"; sometimes all i need is someone to listen to me. i'm sorry that i was never good enough; i strive to see why i can't be your everything, but i have not yet come to a conclusion. i'm sorry that i'm not like her; in my mind i will always be, but to you i NEVER WAS. i'm sorry that i can't get through to you; i really want you to see what i do, but i'm afraid it's too late.
i'm sorry for the times that i become "annoying"; i only want you to want me as much as i need you. i'm sorry for all of the things that i could never be to you; but the thing i'm sorry the most for is being sorry at all.

iloveyou.

well, for the person who is constantly asking me which of the YOUs of my thewayyoumakemefeel's is them . . this is for YOU, if you ever should read it. there should be no doubt in your mind now. at all.


I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop it from hurting any less
when you break my heart into a mess,
as i watch it shatter into a million pieces ?

I LOVE YOU.
but will that make you stop the tease,
if only to please
just me ?

I LOVE YOU.
even when you neglect me,
fail to respect me,
just out of spite.

I LOVE YOU.
but will you take the time to read between
everything i mean
in what i say ?

I LOVE YOU.
still when you become obsessed
with things that should matter less
between us.

I LOVE YOU.
and your silly antics,
because i find them romantic;
they never get old.

I LOVE YOU.
because you're my best friend,
and even managed to win
the key to my heart.

I LOVE YOU.
but will that stop the pain from growing,
my feelings from showing,
what's really on my mind ?

I LOVE YOU.
more and more as the days go by,
and still you wonder why
i love you.

I LOVE YOU.
for reasons that cannot be explained
even when i strain
to decode them.

I LOVE YOU.
even when you don't see
how much you mean to me
and that this is real.

I LOVE YOU.
for who you are.
we've come this far;
there's no turning back.

if anything i want you to promise me,
that even when we disagree,
our relationship falls from the highest of trees,
and lands to our knees
that you will always believe that

I LOVE YOU.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

thoughts ?
PS; don't jock my shit. if you wanna use sumthin, please ask first. thank you.

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart7.

YOU
have been a longtime friend. i've realized that it sometimes takes horrible things to make people realize who is really there for them && you have been there for me in whatever it is i need lately. our trust has spread beyond my problems to yours && i'm happy to say that i can trust you, like i never have before. for being a great friend, i love you. (:

YOU, YOU, && YOU
i miss you guys so much. people may think that i bitch a lot about not having you guys around, but they don't know that half of the shit we have been through. i miss having those three best friends that i could go to no matter what . . even when we would fight [ahaha, third grade drama], i miss that too. because that is what made us the strong friends that we once were . . . && i miss that . . i really do. with all of the uncertainty && trustless relationships i surround myself with, i need you guys back badly.

YOU
have helped me out recently. our relationship has been broken && mended, but regardless of all of that i just want to thank you. even if only for that one time, thank you. because you truly did help me. i can actually say i felt close to you again, even if only for a moment.

YOU
have become so . . fake. it's like you talk badly about somebody one second and the next you're being all buddy buddy with them . . i've been paying close attention to what people tell me && that, plus your daily dose of gossip only leads me to the conclusion that you are . . fake. i wonder how much of a "good friend" you have been to me.

YOU
are just . . UGH to me. i'm sitting here wondering why i ever liked you in the first place but the answer is unclear. you always seem to find the need to be EXTRA, putting your business out then getting mad when people are in it, && dumb shit like that. quite frankly, you're starting to piss me the fck off.

YOU
put me at a loss for words. i don't know where we're at or where we're going, but i hope that we are getting somewhere.

YOU
seem to always give me a hard time. i try, i really do . . i just hope all of the bad memories can be put aside because feeling the way i do towards you is not going to get me through life. i miss the old you. PS; typing those few sentences actually made me cry.

wordscantdescribe.

IRRELEVANCE.
when something isn't needed, it is deemed irrelevant.
i find that a lot of things around me are irrelevant now.
not needed, unnecessary, simply useless.

STRUGGLE.
when a situation is hard, it is called a struggle and those who are experiencing it struggle through it.
i struggle to see why i am still friends with some of the people i am friends with, even longtime.
hardship, battle, conflict.

ANXIETY.
when a person worries, they become anxious.
i am anxious to know why it happened like this, what's in store for the future, and what's really on your mind.
restless, desirous, troubled.

YEARN.

when one feels like they need something; a want that is too strong for one's own mind.
i yearn for that sense of security; that one simple question would mean everything to me at this point.
thirst, long, crave.

i STRUGGLE everyday, i YEARN for that one wish to come true, i am ANXIOUS for hidden reasons, but my need to make all of these problems IRRELEVANT is what holds me back.

&& just when you thought you had a support system, it shatters to a million pieces.

iloveyouguys.

i just wanna say that i love my readers.

well, the ones who give me feedback, anyway.
no, i don't just mean my followers, but all of the people who have visited and frequent my blog for updates, the ones who actually give me feedback, && even the ones who don't give feedback but read and enjoy reading.


*sidenote;
one of my readers recently commented my blogs. her name is Miss Wilson. i wanna say thanx because your suggestion helped. i'm not significantly religious, but i do rely on God for some matters. && i am a frequent writer. you kinda helped me come up with this idea . .

- instead of writing publiclly for everything, i will turn to pen && paper [as you suggested]. i have a lot of things to say to a person [people], but i'd rather not share those feelings with the world. writing a letter to this person [people] will help me say the things that i could never say out loud.

Miss Wilson, thanx for pushing me towards that idea (:

P.S.;
i currently have Pleasure P's CD The Introduction To Marcus Cooper on repeat !
it's better than i thought it would be; i LOVE it !
go check it out if you haven't already (:

all of the things i should have said. [poem]

i wrote this poem a LONGG time ago, but it really explains how i'm feeling as of lately, ironicly.
it could use some work && editing, but it speaks my mind perfectly.

Hey, you.
I can't believe I'm really writing this right now.
I told myself you wouldn't care, but somehow
I just ended up sitting here. Only able to see your face.
And just in case you're still wondering, there's
Nobody in the world who could ever replace you.
But I doubt that you even care now.
I don't know why I care.
Because things were going great before she was there,
So is it her? Is she the reason for this all?
Is she the reason why lately you haven't returned my calls?

No? You say it's just me.
But I'm failing to see, exactly how that could be,
But it doesn't matter now.
I think now I'm wasting my time.
But just in case you're still reading, I'll just keep writing what's on my mind.

It's funny because when I think of you I'd
Rather remember how it use to be rather than how it is.
Things use to be so great.
I'm still trying to figure out what happened
To us.
To me and you.
To what we use to be
To what we could be, should be, and would be.
If only we'd done it.
Just come right out and said it.
But I guess it's too late now.
It seems like it's always too late.

You know, it's funny how all of this is just pouring out of me.
I've been holding it in for so long
So long that I could no longer go on,
Without you knowing.

Remember when I told you I hated you?
Well, I lied.
I was just mad that instead of me
You were standing by her side.
And that hurt.
It hurt like hell.
But I guess you couldn't tell
Because I tried not to show
How much I really cared.

And the thing that I've come
To realize is that
I never disliked all of those girls who were your friends.
It was always how close they seemed to you.
But in the end
It doesn't matter.

And you know all those other guys
You know, the ones you always hated?
Well I never put them before you.
You've always been number one.
But as time went on
I soon came to realize
How they affected you.
And even though I did nothing wrong
This apology is true;
I'm sorry.
For making you feel like you didn't measure up.
I'm sorry.
For making you think it was all your fault.
I'm sorry.
For all of these things and more.
But what's done is done
Though these things should have
Been said long ago.

Remember how I told you I didn't love you?
I lied
Remember when I told you I couldn't be with you?
He wasn't the reason why.
And sometimes I feel
Like we could've had something real
And when people come around
Thinking we're together
The hurt only grows.

But I guess, as I've said one too many times,
It doesn't matter anymore.
It seems that I've lost your heart for sure.
For good maybe.
I hope you know that this letter
Isn't anything to persuade you
Entertain you
Or to claim you
But just to inform you.
Because the fact still remains
That this thing has come to an end.
Wish we could start over
Go back to the beginning.
But we both know we can't
So this is my letter
To you
Of all of the things I should have said.

[my version] soonerthanlater - - female response.

i started this a while ago [4/11/09] . . && still haven't finished . . ahah.
too badd.

you forgot to call me on my birthday
that's how i know im never on your mind
i hope there's something we can do to fix this
all i ever asked you for was time

when the feelings aren't as strong as they used to be
and im tired of dealing with it every day
i will realize that there's more out there for me
but my love for you will make me want to stay

so i will do you this favor
if you'll pull it together
make it sooner than later
i may not be here forever
and i've already waited this long
but im not moving on

i don't need noone else
i don't need noone el-el-el-el-else
i don't need noone else
i don't need noone el-el-el-el-ooh
i don't need noone else

i think it's time for a new begininning
cause things are getting harder everyday
when i try to leave something always stops me
and i turn around saying that i'll stay

when the feelings aren't as strong as they used to be
and im tired of dealing with it every day
i will realize that there's more out there for me
but my love for you will make me want to stay

so i will do you this favor
if you'll pull it together
make it sooner than later
i may not be here forever
and i've already waited this long
but im not moving on

i don't need noone else
i don't need noone el-el-el-el-else
i don't need noone else
i don't need noone el-el-el-el-ooh
i don't need noone else

the love or the life ?
sometimes we have to choose.
when one aint actin right
then it's liable to lose.
my trust and my faith
can only go so far
but with you in my life

[poem] fortherecord.

although i started a few days ago && just picked back up on it, i put this together sumwhat quickly. so i don't think it's the best && it doesn't represent MY feelings accurately but it means sumthin to me . . check it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

for the record . . .

i never thought i'd feel for anybody the way i felt for you;
but i did.
i never knew your words spoken could amount to anything more than just casual banter;
but they have.
you probably never thought that those talks we had were ever important to me;
but they were.

from the late nights to the early mornings,
the laughs of good times and the tears of bad,
i never noticed that from the beginning
you were always there; i just couldn't see it.

i couldn't fathom that you would ever see me
the way, i now realize, that i've always seen you
and now i ponder on the would haves, the could haves, the ifs, the buts, and the maybes;
you tell me to think in the now, so i will only ponder what i will make happen . . .

i never thought that we'd be entangled in this affair;
but we are.
i never knew that you could make me feel this way;
but you do.
you probably think your presence isn't worth more to me than just what others take it to be;
but it is.

i never thought i could be in this crazy swirl of love;
b u t i a m.

[short story] love is a strong word, but hate is even stronger.

SHE HATED HER.

it hadn't started when she was born or even when she became old enough to realize what filth the world actually contained. but it rather began when she had simply had enough. it started to take more of a toll on her than ever; her social life, her home life, and her innerself were all rupturing before she could put the pieces back together [or so that's what it felt]. she could no longer hold in the emotions that she'd kept locked in her for so long. it was a REVOLT.

"dumb bitch," she muttered to herself, or so she thought she had. but it came out to be louder than it was meant to.

"what the hell did you just say to me?" her mother was not one to tolerate backtalk or anything of the sort, and she defenitely would not put up with being called out of her name by her own children.

"answer me, girl. what the hell did you just say to me?"

"nothing, i said nothing." she was more scared than she had ever been. it amazed, yet frightened, her that she had even allowed her lips to utter such things in the presence of this woman.


but this was only the first of the outbreaks. the second had been the worst of the two. the second had been the time when she finally let go - all of the previous anger and hidden sadness that was built up was finally released.

"im tired of your shit." she had said it, but this time with confidence and no leftover weight on her conscience.

"what?" the middle-aged woman exclaimed.

"i said," she announced with great inflection in her voice, "i'm tired of your shit. i'm tired of you. i'm sick of the way that you treat me; you obviously don't love me so don't try to say that you do. i hate living this way, here, with you. i cant stand your bitchy attitudes and the way you talk to me like i'll just forget that this even happened. i just only wish that you could spend a day in my shoes and see how this really makes me feel. your actions don't only affect you and though i doubt you'll ever understand it, they really affect me too. "

"you think i care that you don't like me?" the woman exclaimed yet again.

"it's not enough to say that i don't like you, but i think i'm actually beginning to hate you."

she felt better than she ever had. she didn't exactly feel great for lessening her mother's worth, - but then again, her mother had done that enough herself with those late nights and early mornings - but she did feel good for standing up for herself. she felt like she'd be okay for a short period of time. but that was before it hit her . . literally.

a huge sting lingered on her brown cheek. the slap hit her so hard that she loss the proud feeling she had just had a few moments ago.

"you hate me?" her mother's expression wasn't an angry one, but more of a sad one.

the teenage girl just stared upon her mother's brown, round face. she was no longer proud, or scared. she was now regretful. what had she said? had that been the right way to word her feelings?

she hadn't meant to hurt her mother or sadden her with doubts of her child's love for her. she had only meant to make her feel the same way she felt everyday. but that's when she realized . .
that was exactly how she felt. and as much as it pained her to admit it, she had lost faith that the mother she wished for would ever come back.

***********************************
this is my first short story that has been posted on blogger.
please leave your comments; tell me how i can improve my writing && included what my strongpoints are.
&& also, just tell me if you liked it ! (:

poetbychoice - writerat♥.

sooo.
idk if you all know, but i LOVE to write. - - - well, DUH; that's why i blogg, stupidd.
i've been writing since i could read almost.
it's my passion.

i don't just write poetry && stuff.
i think i started out writing in a diary. that eventually flowed over to short stories meant for second graders, and then poetry.
now, i write just about everything; i have a continuous story that i add onto everytime i get a chance on www.the-n.com [it's called The Irony In Love], i still write poetry every now and then, i'm beginning to write short stories, and i write about my feelings [i.e. this blog].

i think that i've become comfortable enough with this site to actually post some of my work soon.
i may, i may not.
we'll see. (:

ps; i'm thinking i should start a separate blog for my story, The Irony In Love ?
hmm, i might.
i'm just not sure if my audience will be as interested in it as those over at the-n are.