YOU
are the fucking best ! Seriously, we have gotten SOOOO much closer from last year to this year - more specifically sine the 1st two weeks of school. I LOVE YOU. You have been SOOOO MUCHHH help lately . . . you are always there when I need you and I thank you so much for that. i love you. (:
YOU
have been great to me as well. I thank you for being there when I needed you to talk to, vent, listen, whatever ! You're always there and I know that I can count on you.
YOU
are just . . . amazing. I can honestly say that talking to you is like the best part of my day. I LOVE YOU. Don't you ever think that i don't. Sometimes I wish you weren't so down all the time, but i understand that you honestly cannot help it. The fact that you have been through so much and still endure certain things bothers and saddens me. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I really wish that you could be here so that I could give you everything that nobody ever has. I grow sadder and sadder with everyday that I can't be next to you. I long for the day when you are ready to be by my side in heartbeat . . . I can't wait . . . but i must admit that I am very nervous. We will see how it all plays out when that time comes. I hope it's great . . (:
YOU
make me smile. It seems that we are growing to trust each other more than we ever have. If ever you need a friend, i'm here. Don't hesitate to come to me, because I care. I really do. You have changed so much since I first met you, but at heart, I know you are the same ol' person. (: ily.
YOU
annoy me. Well really, people in general annoy me . . . . but you especially. Your attitude is disgusting and quite frankly, i'm sick of it. I'm just about done.
YOU
have changed me. I can't say that I hate you; it's really hard to explain. I want so badly to be your friend, but it's so hard. I still don't understand a lot of things about us; like why certain things happened, and why others are the way they are now and i will admit that i'm not over it, but i don't think that i will ever be or that i will ever understand. Sometimes I look at you and see something that I've never seen in anybody else. And others I just wish to not look at you. Complicated and confusing, i know. Congratulations, you are the first person to make me feel like i'm not good enough . . I feel like the friendship that we once had is gone . . ruined, to never come back again. I want it to be there . . but i don't think that I can force it. The old days are the ones I miss the most, honestly. I just want the old you back, the old us back. But all I can say is that I hate that I love you. And I will try my best to leave that at that. But I don't think I can.
YOU
are a hoish type of person. You should learn what's yours and stick to it. I don't want what's your's, so i'd appreciate it if you'd stop referring to us as "one." I warned you about certain things, yet you chose not to listen to me. UCUHLEAVE for the moment. Plain and simple.
things i have learned as of lately.
1. don't stress what won't matter in the future because you just might miss out on something that could have been great.
- - - i've seen this happen once too many times this year . . to me && to other people. i hate that i worried so much about all of the small things because it really caused me to miss out on some things && people, && it would have been great to have had those experiences. i think that if i had just payed attention to what was happening then, things now would be much different . .
2. you have to learn to ACCEPT the flaws or just LET GO.
- - - you CANNOT change somebody, particularly somebody who does not want to be changed. it's just not gonna happen. there have been several instances where i have tried to accept people the way they were but they wouldn't accept me back. && that's when i decided, i just don't care.
3. relationships can be broken by the smallest things.
- - - this is so true. a few of my relationships this year that have been damaged are damaged, but for what reason ? it's like the smallest things build up . . && if you LET those things continue to build, they will become irreversible && you will be in a position that you never intended to be in.
4. you CANNOT help something or someone that/who does not want to be helped.
- - - this is pretty much the same as 'you cannot change something or somebody' . . you just can't. i don't wanna say that i've tried to change any of my friends this year . . but more of help them. if you're a position that i see is hurting you more than helping you, i'm gonna try to get you out of that position, but if you are reluctant to move with me, then i cannot help you. this one is hard to put into words, so i hope you all understood that.
5. you may be just plain jane in your own eyes, but i GUARANTEE you that there is somebody out there who thinks you're a pearl in a box of tainted jewlery.
- - - this one has been very true for me. it's hard for me to verbalize this . . really hard. but you know how something totally catches you offguard ? it's kinda like that . . . well, i never thought that i was like BAM! or stunning or anything like that y'kno ? but i realized that even though i don't, there is somebody out there who does . . && it's really nice to know that.
6. you can't please everybody.
- - - i'm not the type of person to go out of my way to be somebody's friend or make them happy. like, if we don't click then we just DON'T. this year i tried and tried to befriend somebody, but i realized that i just don't like this person like that. i emotionally CAN'T be friends with them because there is not a time when i am with them that this person does not get on my nerves ! . . . && don't get me wrong, i seriously TRIED . . all freakin school year, && failed each time. i still don't understand what's so great to love about this person . . && i probably never will. i mean, we can be acquaintances, but we have a long way until we are FRIENDS.
7. holding back is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make.
- - - you know why ? because when you hold back what you so desperately need to say or what you are truly feeling, you hinder what the future could possibly present you with. i've held back a lot in my recent past . . . in a certain situation, had i not held back, an event that forever ruined trust with my "best friend" could have been avoided . . had i not held back, me and you may be in a different place today . . but what's done is done. it's just another lesson learned: never hold back.
8. some people are put into your life to teach you a lesson . . && others are there to stay.
- - - kinda like in that one tyler perry play, where he compares people to trees. some people are leaves, who leave you in seasons. some people are the branches, who thin through time. && others are the stem that stick with you through everything. i think i have realized who my bark && stems are . . also, in the words of Kelly: there's a distinct line between bitches and friends.
i could fcking slap you right now. do you even know what it means to back
the hell off of somebody's potential ? no, you don't. but i bet you wouldn't
like it if i started to be all over - - - - - - -, now would you ? we'll see
about that.
so i was just on myspace, looking at stuff && i realized;
my top friends really misrepresents my relationships.
i really don't agree with it, at all. && no matter what order i put the people in, it doesn't seem to make sense.
i think myspace should change it && make it so that the people that you add to your top can be randomized.
this would prevent petty arguements over "your higher on my top than i am on yours" && ignantshit like that.
it would also take my confusion away, so i'd no longer be paranoid about my friendships.
another thing they could do is something like facebook has, where you can choose best friends or sumthin like that, then have the rest of the people on your top designated as just "top friends."
i can't explain that too much, but if you get it, then good.
but i really don't know.
maybe i'm just thinking too hard on it . . but it irks me how i can't find a good order.
YOU
are STILL on my mind, && will be in my prayers. i'm still not completely over it, but i do feel like i've regained some of what we lost with that whole ordeal. i hope everything is well with that && that you do what you need to do. as i have already said, i will pray for you.
YOU
are beginning to show your true colors. i don't know exactly what your true intentions are . . but whatever they may be, you just need to chill.
YOU
really should take that down. not only is it disrespectful that you use people's personal life situations in it, but you actually make it obvious as to who they are. seriously, it pisses me off that you portray all of us to be a certain way, because even if that's not how you REALLY see us, it makes us think that that's what you really think of us && our character, && quite frankly, it's insulting. making anything that's made out to be the people that are close to you is never a good idea, espcially without their permission. but if that's what you REALLY think of me, then so be it, because idk how else i can tell you that i don't like where this whole project is going besides telling you everything that i have just typed here. && i'm not changing for you [this i really want you to know, because you seem to be annoyed by "who i am" (your words, not mine). so if that's really the case, then you can just leave bc nobody but me is gonna determine WHO I AM]. so you continue on with what you do, but just know that i find it insulting && i am not supporting it AT ALL.
YOU
have been on my mind a lot lately. i don't wanna end this friendship, but i also don't wanna be too quick to forgive. yes, you hurt me && i never thought that you would do this, but shxt happens . . that's still no excuse, but is there really one ? but we'll get through it. afterall, i think this could have been much worse. so instead of dwelling on the bad, let's try our best to fix this. no, it won't be easy because nothing can change the fact that it DID upset me && i'm still not over it, really. but i will try, i will try.
YOU
are still playing the same game. it seems as if the only reason i can even be nice to you is because i'm still too naive to get over the fact that i actually do still have feelings for you. i keep telling myself, i'll get over you, you aren't worth it, my feelings are gone, but apparently all of that is as far from the truth as it gets. my ignorance to what is actually going on has made me more angry towards people than i actually should be because really, it was YOU all along ! you are the prime suspect while we are all the victims. what happened with the whole sitch disgusts me, seriously. like makes me wanna puke. i want so badly to forget all of this but i can't. i wish things were back to how they used to be, i wish i could press rewind && just say EXACTLY what was on my mind, but i obviously can't. all i can do is let it be && let things work themselves out. adding on to that, i don't know how strong our friendship even is anymore, considering you only talk to me when YOU feel like talking [which is fcked up btw] . . i just don't know what to believe anymore. if you really do still have feelings for me, then i just don't understand that. i can't believe anything that a lot of people say nowadays, && this falls into that category. but i really am sorry that i didn't just say everything from the beginning. really, i am.
YOU
are just wonderful. through all of the horrible things that have happened lately, you have been there to talk to me, console me, and give me advice when i needed it the most. i really want you to know how much that means to me && if you EVER need a friend to talk to, i'm here.
** note; i wrote the first two a few days ago. some feelings have changed since then.
YOU
are my best friend. i realize that i only need one best friend in this fcked up world && that person is you. thanks for being there.
YOU
can leave. plain && simple. im tired of tryin. && even when i'm the ONLY one there, you still treat me like crap. so i guess it's time to move on. let's see how you feel when you realize that all of the other people never cared as much as me. P.S. ; i could've given up on you at ANY point throughout this year considering all of the times you've given me reason to . . but did i ? ; take a look around and admire the friends [or people that you think are] that you have left around you cuz now, i'm G O N E . i can't wait until the day you realize what a great friend i was to you - - i really don't mean to sound arrogant, but it is true.
YOU
confuse the shxt outta me. make up your mind; WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE ? because i'm not always gonna be there like your little ventriloquist dummy so either you do or you don't. i need to know because opportunities are hitting me like the chill of january weather, so swallow your pride and just say it. really tho, considering all of the things that have happened lately, i dont really know if i'd take your offer even if it was given to me. you have proven me wrong on so many different levels; you're not as perfect && great as i once thought you were - && no, i'm not asking you to be perfect . . i'm just asking you to be true. but it's obvious that just isn't something that you are capable of doing long term, or even short term at that.
YOU
are annoying. leave me alone, lose my number, && have a nice life. kayy ? thxx.
so this weekend was okay.
not boring, but not hoorah hoorah either.
FRIDAY
- - went to jae's game with kelly. i had fun, no credit due to the actual basketball game, but talking to kelly is what really made it interesting. i discovered some new things that i hadn't known before && it made me think about it pretty much all weekend. but i kinda decided that words don't mean a thing if you can't back your actions up with it, so to the person that i am referring to youcanstillleave because you say one thing but turn around and do the complete opposite. ooo yeah, two can surely play that game.
SATURDAY
- - i thought i was going to the mall, but instead i went to ruby tuesday with mi madre && then to visit my godmother's mother, my godbrother, godsister, && her baby. he is SOOOO cute ! like seriously, just adorable. i'll post pictures one day.
SUNDAY
- - went to busch with kelly, jessie, && erin. i feel like i haven't hung out with erin in ages, it was nice to be with her. sadly, we didn't make any new "friends" but we did see a couple of ppl that we would have liked to befriendd. aha. it started raining && even tho it stopped a little, we left busch garden's early && went to jessie's house. we didn't stay at her house long bc we went to jae's which was interesting bc i realized that jaelynn runs like a crackhead ! lmfao omgg you had to see herr ! but we all got tired of being eaten up by mosquitos so kelly's dad came to get us && we all went home. [that had to be the best day of my weekend]
MONDAY
- - blahhh. woke up around noon && went to my grandma's to eatt. saw the fam [aunt, grandparents, cousin] then left around fivee. now im homee typing this (:
oo yeah; my first vlogg got some good feedback ! maybe i'll make more videos (:
P.S.; it amazes me how i have 30 followers && barely any commenters. =|
YOU
are taking me by surprise. never never NEVER in a million years would i have thought that i'd even be thinking of you the way i have been or seeing you in the light that i see you in now . . you make me laugh when i'm having a bad day && i never wanna see the day that we won't be friend's anymore.
YOU
have been my friend ever since i was a confused sixth grader. you have taught me that words are more powerful than any of us could ever imagine, because i would have never thought that my words could mean that much to someone . . especially through a medium such as the computer. boyy, i'm gonna miss you to death. why did you have to end what was so precious so soon ? i love you as if you were here with me in VA && even tho you are gone, that's never gonna change. R.I.P.
YOU
are a mystery. you could be the missing piece to the puzzle that i've been pondering over so long . . or you could just be another person to pass through my life. regardless of "what you are in my life", you are a great friend. or at least i thought so . .
YOU
are a question mark in my book. anonymous you are; still unidentified, but hopefully you will come around soon. i have a feeling it could be you, or maybe even you. you are a stranger but still everything that i want and need.
YOU
used to be one of my favorite people. but those feelings are long gone and i doubt that they will ever return. the way you treat people on certain occassions is really unnecessary and hopefully soon you will realize how rude and wrongg it really is. i dont think you know exactly what the things you do mean to people - you confuse the people who are supposed to be your friends into thinking that you feel some type of way when really, you're just blowing them off for the heck of it. I really believe that if you continue to treat people like this you will loose what could potentially be good friends, but until you
change your behavior, things will remain the same. P.S. : you can't
play a group of friends without them finding out, dumbass.
YOU
are wrong on so many levels. if i could, i would call you out on ALL of your wrong doings . . but that's something that i'm not gonna do because that would be totally unnecessary and triflin but just kno that i kno && that i will never again trust you the way i once did. i thought i had gotten rid of all the twofaced people and trash in my life . . but obviously i have some more cleaning to do. on second thought . . maybe i shouldn't even blame you; why should i ? it's not like we all haven't fallen victim to it. it's just a shame on your part that it had to happen in the way that it did.
remember when i posted that blog about being DONE with it && the revelation ?
well, i think it's time that it comes to life.
the BULLSHIT is unecessary && it can really LEAVE.
i'm tired tired TIRED of trying && yet recieving nothing in return - no respect, no thanks, no NOTIHN. sick of it.
if you have sumthin that you deem necessary to say, then i'm all ears.
but don't try to say it on sum sly shiii like over myspace, through text, to sumbody else - NO.
say it to ME.
all i kno is that if i find you're not worth my time anymore, i probably won't give you the attention that i used to.
i've tried && TRIED . . && even after the whole revelation, STILL tried. obviously, it's just not gonna work.
SORRY.
actually, i'm not.
that felt good.
YOU
have always been there. i just kinda never noticed you until now. it's funny how appearance can really throw sumone off . . not saying that i'm induced by your looks or anything . . but boy, have you grown ! now, looking back at things, i regret not being close to you from the beginning and for not seeing what i see in you now. you're so much fun to be around, like seriously. there's really never a dull moment with you. you're constantly making me laugh with your senseless, yet amusing, jokes && school would probably be boring without you ! (:
YOU
are not as bad as i first thought you were. i'm gonna admit it, at first, i was not very fond of you. but you have grown on me . . i can now see that you are very capable of being a really good friend and sumone that i can laugh with and be around with good spirits. i hope you dont hold my instinct of disliking you against me . . i mean, we all have changing opinions, dont we ? hopefully, our future friendship will grow into that of a stronger one ! (:
YOU
confuse me. you seem to act one way today then another tomorrow; i just don't know what to think anymore. not caring seems like the best option right now && im subconciously starting to do that.
YOU
are one of the greatest people i know. i know that i can count on you. no matter what, i know you'll be there. it saddens me so much to see you go through this, but i will help you through it. when your time on this earth is suspended, i will miss you dearly. hopefully, that won't be for a very long time tho. (: ILY.
YOU
have changed so much. but not really for the better.
&& there's more where this came from !
am i REALLY that untrustworthy ?
i'm really not understanding why certain people feel like if they tell me sumthin, i'm gonna go && tell the ppl that are closest to me.
like seriously ? i barely tell her anything cuz i think she's gonna go && tell her && maybe her. so why even waste my secrets && breath?
so what, it happened ONE time ?
give me a BREAK.
i'm so done with this bullshit - not stressin it anymore because really ? i don't think it's worth it. thought we were gettin sumwhere, but NO. i thought wrong.
i honestly think that i'm gonna end up marrying myself, having sex with myself, && just loving MYSELF because ppl annoy me THAT much.
i feel misunderstood . . TO THE FULLEST.
i feel as tho i can't be trusted && i can trust NO-ONE.
&& i have every reason to feel that way too.
so you can't tell me that i'm blowing this outta proportion.
if you really can't trust me THAT MUCH, then that's fine.
i'm not gonna beg for your loyalty.
then there's the chick that thinks she's just ALL THAT.
it's like she walks around singin to herself, like, "aint i, aint i, aint i, AINT I?"
NO. you aren't. but it's all good.
not even gonna call you out on that one, cuz it's not worth it.
just 'laughing my ass off' bc all of the things you assure yourself are probably FAR from the truth.
i'm just sayin;
certain things && people are slowly starting to lose my interest && attention because it's obvious that they just aren't in my range anymore.
not tryna make any decisions too qucikly tho . . . just kno that it's been on my mind.
YOU
make me smile. i can talk to you about a LOT of things && i'm so happy that we've gotten closer. you're a GREAT friend && i'd never want to lose you. BTW; don't ever change because that would be HORRIBLE. you're a person with a BIG heart . . . out of all of the people that i know, you are one of the ones with the best character . . . i luvv you a lot ! (:
YOU
are truly thee best. you are the epitome of what a friend should be and is. i'm so happy i met you && if you ever leave me i dont kno what i'll do. i consider you to be one of the people i can rely on when things go wrong && i hope you feel the same way. i can relate to you on SOO many different levels; we seem to have a LOT in common. you really mean a lot to me, probably more than you think . . . i just have one request: don't ever forget about me because i don't think i'll forget about you. (:
YOU
annoy me at times. you don't listen to me [&& when you do, you're so eager to put in your two cents that you INTERRUPT], so i don't have an urgency to tell you things most of the time. you put yourself before others a lot && even tho you say you're sorry, i really don't think you are. but on the other side of that, you're a joy to be around. when it's needed, you can be a really good friend. && for that, i luvv you.
YOU
are really something. you CAN be fun to be around, but i'm not too sure about that lately. trust is key in ANY friendship && i really don't think we have as much of that as we used to anymore. this is because of the simple fact that you don't kno how to keep to yourself when it's needed a lot of the time. personal issues aren't meant to be discussed in the open && put out there for the public to see . . but obviously, you just can't grasp that concept. because of this && other reasons, i've thought about giving up on you . . but i don't think i ever will. PS; you are hilarious. (:
YOU
are one of the most animated people that i know. i now consider you to be a friend && even tho this conflicts with personal wants, i still call you that. if it ever comes to that, i really hope that we can maintain what we DO have as friends.
YOU
have grown into one of my good friends. it's really nice to know that you can trust me with the things that you say, && i too can trust you. hopefully, this friendship will grow even stronger with the years to come.
YOU
are very reliable. i can count on you to talk to me when i need it && you always have an opinion for me to hear && consider. you are one of the best friends that i've made this year && i wouldn't trade you for anythingg ! you are hilarious && even tho you act up sumtimes, i still luvv you.
YOU
are quite a person. sarcastic, funny, && mean . . . all that, you are. but not so much in a bad way. you have your moments where you need to hear the common phrase "UCUHLEAVE" . . but i enjoy your presence && i never wanna see you "LEAVE." LMFAO.
so im just sittin back, listening to Closer by Drake && Andreena Mills.
i swear he's the realest.
for those of you that JUST hopped onto his stuff, you're not a true fan of him until you've heard his old stuff, because it's just as good [if not better] than his most recent.
so i've been hit with sum hard news lately . . nothing i really wish to discuss with the world. but let's just say hopefully this will overcome us all, because if it doesn't then . . i dont kno . . but it's like;
why do bad things happen to GREAT people ? i mean, really tho . . she doesn't deserve this . . she's great to everyone around her, does everything she possibly could for EVERYBODY. this truly SUCKS.
anywhooo. i meant to blog on this a long time ago . . but there's a lot of things i wanna blog about that i haven't . .
soo, FRIENDS; guy/girl friendships to be specific.
can a guy && a girl ever JUST be friends ? that meaning without one or the other ever catching feelings.
my answer to this ? is vague.
umm, i suppose this can be possible, but chances are if they aren't emotionally connected in that way, the girl will start to notice how right the guy looks in one of his brand new polos, or the guy will start wondering what's beneath the threads of her jeans or sum mess like that.
that's just natural; to wonder what sumone of the opposite sex is like . . idk, physically ?
but then there's the scenario where one starts catching feelings for the other . .
now me, personally, i wouldn't want to risk a GREAT friendship for a relationship that might not even last. bc there's a pretty good chance that in the course of that relationship or even after that shortlived relationship ends, the way you felt for each other as FRIENDS will die too . . && thinking about sum of the good friendships i've had with sum of my guyfriends . . i doubt i'd want to risk that.
they say that friends make for the best relationships . . && that makes sense, seeing that you need to KNOW a person before getting into a relationship . . then there's the issue of trust, && with a friend, you should already have that. so it'd be perfect.
i could talk about this more . . throwing in personal stuff . . but i'd rather not.
i'm REALLY tired, so i'm probably gonna take a shower && get in the bed after this.
hope yall have a good weekend (:
