tumblr.

http://-jaydee.tumblr.com/

new shit. hit my tumblr up from now on. (:

i'mjustsayin.

now i KNOW,
that i'm not the only one that has a few friends that only seem to trend what YOU take interest in.
it really bugs me, yet i keep my mouth closed because it's not even worth it.
"must you watch what i watch, wear what i wear, buy the shit I PROCLAIM that i am going to buy. shit's really annoying. it'd be a lot easier to just find your own ish, you know ?"

i'mJUSTsayin ! . . .

what else . . .
oh ! i know ! . . .

i have some FAKE ASS FRIENDS too, and them some who just have some really bad traits.
i mean, who wants to be around somebody that:

• only thinks about themselves 24/7 365/52
• can't keep their damn mouth closed
• ALWAYS has some ignorant shit to say about the most minimal thing in the damn world
• puts you down sublimally just to make their sorry selves feel good about themselves
• never appreciates a single thing you do for them

i could go on. but i don't feel like it. but i mean, some of these people i have dropped, because really ? if you're gonna treat me like shit, then i will do you the same, and drop your ass down the toilet, just as shit should be put. but others, well you need to get yourselves together. you may walk around thinking you're queen/king bitch right now, but then you will slowly start to realize that nobody wants to be around somebody longterm who is constantly pushing off egotistical, negative vibes.

i mean,

i'mJUSTsayin ! . . .

momentofhonesty - - friends.

to be quite honest, i don't trust or like most of the people that i hang out with.
they are either stuck up, sometimey, bitches, whores, or all of the above.
NO, i do not want to hear about your fucking problems when you never care about mine.
NO, it's not okay that you take advantage of whatever is in front of you.
NO, acting like you "da shit" doesn't make you, indeed, thee shit. it makes you look stupid.
and NO, you can't pick who you want to talk to at the time based on who is on the room.

the people that i feel closest to are either miles away, or the ones that i feel like i have lost some part of . . . certain parts that i find myself wanting back.

i hate that it's come to this, but i just have to be honest:

i'm not happy with the people that surround me.
to myself is where i like to be, with my words, my thoughts . . .

formspring.me

what's on your mind ? http://formspring.me/jaydur

fear.

i've got so much fear in my heart
because i'm scared of rejection.

us together is something that i want more than anything . . .
but i fear:

that it will crash and burn,
and i will slowly learn,
that things like this never work.


i have fear in my heart
because i'm afraid of what i see.

the glare of the screen contrasts with that of my skin;
the texture of my hands to the pad of your ipod
the look of my face to the limit of my avatar.
so, i have fear:

of the way we will greet
when we finally meet
and notice the differences.


i have fear in my heart
because this love is too great for me to handle.

my chest pains from the stress
of this love-filled mess,
and it makes me fear:

the way i will react to you then,
and if i will defend
your actions.

crying oceans of saltwater . . .
i show my fear -
but fear is blind:

to the glare of your screen,
and the pad of your ipod,
and what you are limited to of my avatar.

only when our faces near
will my fear
be both acknowledged,
and released.

distance.

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.


If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemens land.


If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.


But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

If you were coming in the fall by Emily Dickinson

this hits a nerve in my weakness, because it makes me think of you . . .

therealword: DC.

So this season !
It may not be the most interesting that i've seen of the real world, but hopefully it has something good enough in it to talk about with friends the next day.

So the second episode comes on tonight, but the first ?
umm . . . let's just say i was like whoah.

TY.
why why WHY do you insist on feeding your opinions to others, in a way so nasty that it causes conflict on the FIRST episode ?! mann, you need to chill. but something that i think of when i think of ty is the fact that he looks like . . . identical to one of my best friends. lmfao.

the other people weren't enough for me to feel the need to write about.
catch it on MTV and drop a comment or something.

momentofhonesty - - get it together.

you make me sick sometimes.

truly and honestly. i don't know why or how. it's just the things you do.
i love you.
but i hate the choices you make.

you say, "i make too many mistakes."
wrong.
you make too many bad decisions. decisions in which you don't stop to think about consequences before making them.

i love you . . .
but you really need to get it together.

ivedecided.[new year's resolutions done a different way.]

that i don't care anymore.
your mood swings are something that i choose not to deal with.
a bitch one minute, a saint the next. - you are.
&oh yes, boys can be bitches too.

to focus on what makes jada happy.
and that's him. and sometimes them.
you're no longer a worry of mine if you're just gonna bring me up and down.

to see what you see in me.
sure, it will be hard. but i'm gonna try like there's no tomorrow. because like you said,
i'm missing out.

to not be afraid.
MJP, we WILL be within five feet of each other as soon as 2010 rolls around.

to better myself.
i'm gonna do it. i will try. i make no promises.

to have a great year !
this year i'll turn sixteen, get my permit, and all of that crazy stuff.
can't wait. (:

lovelost.

WHY

are we saying goodbye before we say hi
dying without trying
falling without reason

i'm stalling.
but that's only because this fear in my heart
is too strong to let me move on
to that next step.

and i'm scared.
that we are crashing and burning
and i'm slowly learning
that nothing is ever easy in
love.

i'm nervous.
to find what's behind
the you that i have always known.

the you that i love.
that i've always put above . . .

until now.

i blame this on myself
and nobody else
will ever replace you.

but i should have been thinking when i was wishfully making
that decision.
i should have been trying before we started dying,
but i wasn't.

and it hurts me to say
that the day that we may
end is approaching . . .

or maybe not the end
but just the "begin"
of a very sad process.

and i don't know what to do.
i love you . .
i love you . .
i do.

and it hurts.

not even the tears . . .
not even the people around me . . .
not even myself . . .
understands any of this.

and i hate to say
that i'm slowly starting to
accept this.

but i can't.
and i won't.
because you're my hope,
my joy,
my love.

and i can't lose you.

thewayYOUmakemefeel*special.

the style of your hair,
shape of your eyes and your nose.
the way you stare-
as if you see right through to my soul.
it's your left hand
and the way . . that it's not quite as big as your right.
the way you stand -
in the mirror -
before we go out at night.

our quiet time,

your beautiful mind . . .

everybody's telling me to wait for you to call back.
but i don't ever want another girl to come and get that.
my train of thought is gone and now you're running on the same track.
and now you're leaving me to have to find out where you've been at.

can you tell me where did he go ? . . .

they're all part of the list
of things that i miss,
things like your funny little laugh
or the way you smile -
or the way we kiss.
what i notice is this:
i come up with
something new every single time
that i sit and reminisce.

i'm a mess right now:
out of order,
i'm torn up,
i'm going down.
won't you hold me together:
i'm pouring out.
i need you,

that's . . .

how i feel.



the way your sweet smell
lingers when you leave the room.
stories you tell -
as we lay -
in bed all afternoon.
i dreamed you now,
every night,
and my mind is where we meet.
and when i'm awake
staring at pictures of you asleep.

touching your face

invading your space . . .

i refuse to believe you do
not think of me like i do you.
if i'm right then show me, come through;

cause i've been needing you lately.

people always asking why it's got me wearing all black.
stress done got the best of me - i really need to fall back.
wish i never said that you and me could never go back.
but i just wasn't thinking - can't you see i didn't mean that ?

can you tell where did he go ?

and you live in my memories
forever more,

i swear.

*partofthelist;ne-yo and *wheredidhego;kerihilson.

thepointofitall. - - thewayYOUmakemefeel.

DAMN.

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong . . .

i miss you.

like hell. and i don't see the fault, the loophole, the crack . . in the foundation that made us. I just don't get it. And it pains me so much because even though you're still there, you're not here: and that's where i need you the most: here.

I can think back to those years ago when it was just me and you, chillin in our little on virtual world. ha. those were the days . . . i miss them. when it wasn't confusing or complicated because it was not even in our restricted vocabulary to express the feelings that you claim to have always had and the feelings that i soon came to develop.

And that day . . . i remember it. when you told me about your problem. never will it leave my memory . . . i've been there by your side ever since, and never will i leave. i promise you that.

I Love You. yes, yes; i know my actions may not support that statement, but i promise you that i will never hurt you like that again. i want to say that i regret it, but i don't. it was a struggle that i went through to learn and a choice that i made because i wanted to. i just regret and hate that you got hurt as a result of it.

you are AMAZING. please don't you ever let anybody tell you any different. because, even if only to me, you are amazing. and i love you. i can't say that enough. you make me smile without even knowing you do. i don't even know where to begin, because there is no beginning or ending to what you mean to me. you're just everything . . . and you probably don't even know i feel this way. but you are my bestfriend. the one that i can talk to about anything and everything, that makes me smile in the saddest of times . . . but lately, i feel like that's been slipping. and i want it back so badly . . . but i dont know if it's just me, going through this depressed "fuck the world" stage, or if this is truly us . . . dying.

i can't stay away from you too long.

even if i do, i'll always call.

checking on you, make sure you're okay,

be the one to brighten up your day.

and the point of it all . . .

is i love you.

i admit:
sometimes this song makes me cry.
and it always makes me think of you.
i love you;
always&forever . . .

fucked.

everthing is.

my grades are fucked.
relationships - - fucked.
attitude - - fucked.
everything i miss so much - - fucked.
life - - not fucked, but feels like it.

there are just so many factors that have played out so wrong lately and i'm at a lost for what to do. i've lost what's been so important to me, or so it feels like it.
all i want is that bit of happiness.
and nobody, i mean nobody - - no matter how much you say you do - - understands.

i feel like i've been in this state of depression for the longest time, and nobody but me knows.
tears, yes i have shed. but nobody sees that but me.
and i'm trying so hard to let go, and see the bright side of the situations that i have been given, but doing that is so hard when you know you are far from what you envisioned.

and it pains me so much to think of all the negativity that i am either a part of or surrounded by, but that's all that i can and have been doing.

and for you;
i miss you soo much. you just don't know.
nobody does . . .

i don't like this slump that i have fallen into.
and i hate to say it, but
i blame you.

mymaleexcellence.

He is everything. He is courage where there is fear and smiles where there are frowns. His wisdom outweighs the oldest of the old, and his knowledge is equally the same. He is it, that, and everything for me . . . he is. Understanding comes easily to him and he's never too busy to listen. A friend he was at the start, but with effort that became more. Always on call when I need him: my superman. He's my sun through the storm and joy through the pain. To say that I love him would be an understatement. He is . . . my soultwin. The differences between us are plentiful, but the male version of me . . . he is. He gives . . . me reason to smile. Each day, each hour, each minute, every second. I love him . . . and everything that makes him what he is. The good, the bad, even the ugly: I appreciate it all. He tells me his dreams and the inspiration he gives me to pursue my own is amazing. He is . . a lover, but he will fight for what's his until his territory is won. Brilliant, dedicated, committed, in love . . he is.

He is perfection.

He . . . does not exist.

change.

" . . . But i kinda feel as though you have changed-

for the worst. The person i met in *month of *year is not the person i currently see . . . and the person i really miss is the old one. It's weird that i compare you to yourself . . . but when i look at you i see two people - and as crazy as that sounds, it's the truth.

i miss you.

and i want the person that . . . was always there and almost still is . . . back.

but i'm afraid that's damn near impossible."

randomthoughts.

1. "and the award for the best lie goes to you . . for making me believe that you could be faithful to me. let's hear your speech."

2. do i have to spell it out to you ? i'm saying GOODBYE.

3. i WANT you. but wanting you and needing you are two different things. i NEED you. but needing you is a feeling a can't seem to feel the fullness of right now.

4. i don't want you to leave like the others. please don't.

5. i miss you . . so much. so much has changed. i miss the old you.

6. i need a manicure.

7. "he's still. still the man of my dreams. he's still. still the man for me. and i'm still in love with him deep, deeply." he . . is.

8. IBcuhleave. so can homework and freaking projects.

9. yeahhhhbuddie. i can't wait (: till that moment . . when we'll get to do all the things that we promised we would.

10. love has become so common in my brain.

11. the best way to be beautiful is to be beautiful and unaware.

12. i am convinced that you are a joke and i'm just now taking the time to really laugh.

13. missing you is an everyday thing.

14. "such a mystery, when he's here with me . . it's hard to believe i'm still lonely."

thewayYOUmakemefeelpart8.

YOU
are the fucking best ! Seriously, we have gotten SOOOO much closer from last year to this year - more specifically sine the 1st two weeks of school. I LOVE YOU. You have been SOOOO MUCHHH help lately . . . you are always there when I need you and I thank you so much for that. i love you. (:

YOU
have been great to me as well. I thank you for being there when I needed you to talk to, vent, listen, whatever ! You're always there and I know that I can count on you.

YOU
are just . . . amazing. I can honestly say that talking to you is like the best part of my day. I LOVE YOU. Don't you ever think that i don't. Sometimes I wish you weren't so down all the time, but i understand that you honestly cannot help it. The fact that you have been through so much and still endure certain things bothers and saddens me. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I really wish that you could be here so that I could give you everything that nobody ever has. I grow sadder and sadder with everyday that I can't be next to you. I long for the day when you are ready to be by my side in heartbeat . . . I can't wait . . . but i must admit that I am very nervous. We will see how it all plays out when that time comes. I hope it's great . . (:

YOU
make me smile. It seems that we are growing to trust each other more than we ever have. If ever you need a friend, i'm here. Don't hesitate to come to me, because I care. I really do. You have changed so much since I first met you, but at heart, I know you are the same ol' person. (: ily.

YOU
annoy me. Well really, people in general annoy me . . . . but you especially. Your attitude is disgusting and quite frankly, i'm sick of it. I'm just about done.

YOU
have changed me. I can't say that I hate you; it's really hard to explain. I want so badly to be your friend, but it's so hard. I still don't understand a lot of things about us; like why certain things happened, and why others are the way they are now and i will admit that i'm not over it, but i don't think that i will ever be or that i will ever understand. Sometimes I look at you and see something that I've never seen in anybody else. And others I just wish to not look at you. Complicated and confusing, i know. Congratulations, you are the first person to make me feel like i'm not good enough . . I feel like the friendship that we once had is gone . . ruined, to never come back again. I want it to be there . . but i don't think that I can force it. The old days are the ones I miss the most, honestly. I just want the old you back, the old us back. But all I can say is that I hate that I love you. And I will try my best to leave that at that. But I don't think I can.

YOU
are a hoish type of person. You should learn what's yours and stick to it. I don't want what's your's, so i'd appreciate it if you'd stop referring to us as "one." I warned you about certain things, yet you chose not to listen to me. UCUHLEAVE for the moment. Plain and simple.

cry.

dear -,
today, i cried.
as soon as my bag dropped from my shoulder and hit the floor, the door creaked shut, and the shoes came off, the first tear left my face.

it wasn't because of school, or even the stress from practice . .

today, i listened to the full song for the first time in a long time.

it was not easy . . the words, as always made so much sense to me; the situation is the same, never changed: how can one song tell the story of many chapters in a more than eventful book ?

i haven't figured out the answer to that question. it will always be a mystery, but i'm glad that somebody, even if it's just the writer of that particular song, knows how i feel.

i wish you cared.

i wish so badly that it mattered to you enough that you would actually say, "hey, i was wrong. i'm a jerk. i feel like shit." i know it sounds stupid, but i want you to feel the same way i feel.

so i was crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and blowing my nose, and crying, and bitching, and talking to friends, and crying.

but then a girl said: we will get through this together.

and i believe her.

itsbeenaminute.

since i've really blogged.
i have more stuff coming.
promise.
lot's of drafts typed up that i never felt like i needed to share with the world.
and more in the process.

shit's changing lately . . trust and believe you all will be hearing about that.
but ta ta for now . .

sorry.

FOR ANYONE

who has been put into compromising positions in either friendships, relationships, and any other personal problems. but most of all, for MYSELF.

i'm sorry that i can't be you picture perfect girl; i am not the epitome of perfection, nor will i ever be. i'm sorry that i can't be happy when you want me to be; as much as i try, my smiles will never be big enough to cover what's lying inside. im sorry that it's always my fault; try as i might, my best will never be good enough for you. i'm sorry that i'm a total bitch; my mood swings may come out of the blue, but sometimes they are necessary. i'm sorry for all of the times i seem "needy"; sometimes all i need is someone to listen to me. i'm sorry that i was never good enough; i strive to see why i can't be your everything, but i have not yet come to a conclusion. i'm sorry that i'm not like her; in my mind i will always be, but to you i NEVER WAS. i'm sorry that i can't get through to you; i really want you to see what i do, but i'm afraid it's too late.
i'm sorry for the times that i become "annoying"; i only want you to want me as much as i need you. i'm sorry for all of the things that i could never be to you; but the thing i'm sorry the most for is being sorry at all.