momentofhonesty - - friends.

to be quite honest, i don't trust or like most of the people that i hang out with.
they are either stuck up, sometimey, bitches, whores, or all of the above.
NO, i do not want to hear about your fucking problems when you never care about mine.
NO, it's not okay that you take advantage of whatever is in front of you.
NO, acting like you "da shit" doesn't make you, indeed, thee shit. it makes you look stupid.
and NO, you can't pick who you want to talk to at the time based on who is on the room.

the people that i feel closest to are either miles away, or the ones that i feel like i have lost some part of . . . certain parts that i find myself wanting back.

i hate that it's come to this, but i just have to be honest:

i'm not happy with the people that surround me.
to myself is where i like to be, with my words, my thoughts . . .

formspring.me

what's on your mind ? http://formspring.me/jaydur

fear.

i've got so much fear in my heart
because i'm scared of rejection.

us together is something that i want more than anything . . .
but i fear:

that it will crash and burn,
and i will slowly learn,
that things like this never work.


i have fear in my heart
because i'm afraid of what i see.

the glare of the screen contrasts with that of my skin;
the texture of my hands to the pad of your ipod
the look of my face to the limit of my avatar.
so, i have fear:

of the way we will greet
when we finally meet
and notice the differences.


i have fear in my heart
because this love is too great for me to handle.

my chest pains from the stress
of this love-filled mess,
and it makes me fear:

the way i will react to you then,
and if i will defend
your actions.

crying oceans of saltwater . . .
i show my fear -
but fear is blind:

to the glare of your screen,
and the pad of your ipod,
and what you are limited to of my avatar.

only when our faces near
will my fear
be both acknowledged,
and released.

distance.

If you were coming in the fall,
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn,
As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls,
And put them each in separate drawers,
Until their time befalls.


If only centuries delayed,
I'd count them on my hand,
Subtracting till my fingers dropped
Into Van Diemens land.


If certain, when this life was out,
That yours and mine should be,
I'd toss it yonder like a rind,
And taste eternity.


But now, all ignorant of the length
Of time's uncertain wing,
It goads me, like the goblin bee,
That will not state its sting.

If you were coming in the fall by Emily Dickinson

this hits a nerve in my weakness, because it makes me think of you . . .

therealword: DC.

So this season !
It may not be the most interesting that i've seen of the real world, but hopefully it has something good enough in it to talk about with friends the next day.

So the second episode comes on tonight, but the first ?
umm . . . let's just say i was like whoah.

TY.
why why WHY do you insist on feeding your opinions to others, in a way so nasty that it causes conflict on the FIRST episode ?! mann, you need to chill. but something that i think of when i think of ty is the fact that he looks like . . . identical to one of my best friends. lmfao.

the other people weren't enough for me to feel the need to write about.
catch it on MTV and drop a comment or something.

momentofhonesty - - get it together.

you make me sick sometimes.

truly and honestly. i don't know why or how. it's just the things you do.
i love you.
but i hate the choices you make.

you say, "i make too many mistakes."
wrong.
you make too many bad decisions. decisions in which you don't stop to think about consequences before making them.

i love you . . .
but you really need to get it together.

ivedecided.[new year's resolutions done a different way.]

that i don't care anymore.
your mood swings are something that i choose not to deal with.
a bitch one minute, a saint the next. - you are.
&oh yes, boys can be bitches too.

to focus on what makes jada happy.
and that's him. and sometimes them.
you're no longer a worry of mine if you're just gonna bring me up and down.

to see what you see in me.
sure, it will be hard. but i'm gonna try like there's no tomorrow. because like you said,
i'm missing out.

to not be afraid.
MJP, we WILL be within five feet of each other as soon as 2010 rolls around.

to better myself.
i'm gonna do it. i will try. i make no promises.

to have a great year !
this year i'll turn sixteen, get my permit, and all of that crazy stuff.
can't wait. (: